The Glue That Binds

Is there a special "glue" that holds a relationship together? And, if there is, where can we buy it!?

Scientifically speaking, one type of glue is known as chemical curing which involves creating a chemical reaction and sometimes includes an additional ingredient such as a hardener. There are also different types of glue for various substances; for example, there is a glue that works best on wood, on plastic, on fabric, etc.

So, when two people meet and they feel that special chemistry with each other, does this reaction instantly glue them together forever? What happens if it is the wrong type of glue? It might stick for a while, but it will eventually lose its stickiness and the "pieces" will fall away from each other. There could also be a bad chemical reaction, and sparks may fly because of friction or being rubbed the wrong way.

In truth, the special ingredient to make "glue" especially sticky is to be nice to one another. It might seem benign, but 'nice' covers a big territory: respect, courtesy, caring, putting another's feelings ahead of one's own, honesty and honor ... to name just a few. 

Of course, physical attraction comes into play, but as you get to know and love your partner more, he/she becomes more beautiful in your eyes. That's one reason why it is said that love is blind! If physical attraction (or lustful chemistry) is the only 'glue' used to hold a relationship together, there is a good chance that it will tarnish and separate over time. 

Over time, all relationships experience ups and downs and may get bruised and battered in the process. To keep a relationship healthy and vibrant it needs constant attention, and additional 'glue' must be added to patch up both minor and major mishaps.

Are You Ready To Stop Being a Victim?

Today, I have a question for you ...

If you knew your husband or wife were going to die young and leave you with your children to raise by yourself, would you have chosen to still marry him/her? (I'll ask a similar question to those of you who are divorced further into the article).

If you would still have opted to marry your spouse, for the happiness and love you have experienced up to the death far outweigh the sorrow of your loss, but you have been feeling victimized by the circumstances of your life -- are you willing to consider that it may be time for an attitude adjustment?  Please keep in mind that this adjustment does not negate the depth of your loss; however, your power lies in your response to it.

Ask yourself ...

How can I be a victim when I would make a conscious decision to have the life I am leading?

Yes, life is tough when your spouse has passed away and you are left to raise your children on your own. However, as with everything in life, there are always different ways to look at a situation. Let us take a small glimpse on the "bright side."

Now, when you make a decision about your children, you are always right!! Doesn't that feel good? Your children are also precluded from playing their parents one against the other to manipulate a situation so they can get what they want.

Not having to worry about setting aside spousal time, your available leisure time can be spent focused on your children. This special time, when it is just you and your children, will increase their feelings of security. When children feel totally secure and know that they are number one in a parent's heart, an easier transition can be made if the time comes when you want to welcome new love into your life.

As an aside, for the first two years after my late husband died, I spent so much time with my sons that they finally told me -- "Okay, we're ready for you to go out and play with your own friends and have some fun (without us)!!

Being single also allows you to concentrate on yourself without feeling guilty or selfish. For example, you can go to that party with friends and dance the night away and not worry that you've left your spouse at the table cooling his/her heels because he/she doesn't like to dance.

Another positive to keep in mind is that because children take their cues from the adults around them and mimic their responses to situations, you have been given a great opportunity to illustrate to your children how to move through adversity with grace.

And for the divorced ... 

These same issues are present, and so I ask the same question of the divorced. Despite a messy divorce, if you are the parent of beloved children, can you say that you would not have chosen to marry your ex-spouse if that meant your children would not have been born? 

Single parenthood, no matter how it comes about, is not an easy road to travel. And for the divorced, it can be further complicated by continuous battles over child custodial issues.

Now, some of my examples may seem trite, but they were merely to demonstrate that in every situation you CAN find a bright spot. The trick is that you have to want to find it! Letting go of feeling like a victim will free up room, time and energy in your life to welcome positive thoughts and opportunities.

Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story

Writing the rest of your story ... what does that involve and how do you start?

Let's imagine that your life up to now has been a movie, aptly named "The Story of My Life, Part I." You held the starring role, surrounded yourself with a wonderful and loving cast of supporting actors, and, to top it off, you and your co-star were deeply in love. When this movie was over and "The End" scrawled across the screen, naturally, you were very sad, disappointed and unsatisfied. Perhaps you wanted to stand up and shout, "This is NOT the way it was supposed to end. I signed on for a role in happily ever after, and I got stuck playing a role I didn't and still don't want. 

Well, the "movie studio" does not have the power to remake this film. However, there are always sequels in which wrongs can be righted and happy endings may be found. You decide to audition for "The Story of My Life, Part II." And to make sure things go your way this time, you decide to be a triple threat. You will be the star, the director and the producer! This movie will begin at your current age and status and, perhaps, have a quick flashback so that the audience can see how you arrived in this place. 

The producer may be the "money-man" behind the scenes, but as the director, you are in charge of how the movie unfolds. This means you have the power to cut away the obstacles that may hamper your success. You must also have a clear vision of how the movie will end ... or at least how Part II will end. After all, you wish to star in sequel after sequel!  

By imagining the endpoint before you start filming, you are the shaping the big picture vision of your life. With clear cut goals, you can then begin to turn your imaginings or fantasies into reality.

Before you start filming, here are just a few questions to ponder.

~What is the name of your movie (other than Part II)?

~What is the overarching theme of the movie?

~Will the viewer learn any lessons from this movie?

~Are there scenes in this movie that you expect will be hard to play? If so, how can you prepare for them?

~Who will be your leading co-star?

~Who will comprise the supporting cast?

~How do you want the viewer to feel as he/she watches this movie?

~How does the movie (or this sequel) end?

All movies require lots of preparatory work, which can include scouting locations and developing the wardrobe, for example. The initial filming is usually spliced into a rough cut with some scenes eliminated and others redone. Lastly, it is edited into the final product. 

Similarly, in your "real" life, you must prepare yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually to move into a new phase of your life. Just like a movie director, you can try out different ideas and locations and discard (or cut out) what doesn't work. The further along you are in your process, the more you refine what the final "product" (or your new life) will look like.

Who's ready to say -- Lights, Camera, ACTION?

Finding Love After Loss: Do You Need Help Finding Love?

Here's a short 6 question quiz.

1. Are you active on Internet dating sites but never seem to be able to get past the initial introductory e-mail?

2. Are you participating in activities and events aimed at singles?

3. For women, do you have a lot of first dates but they never seem to go anywhere? For men, do you often get rejected when asking for a second date?

4. Do your dates say, "You're such a nice person, but I don't see this going anywhere but being friends."

5. Yes or No? You are attractive and successful in your professional life, but you can't seem to find anyone who you would be interested in dating.

6. Do you retreat from a relationship once it gets past the "get to know you phase" and settles into a routine?

If the aforementioned describes your experience, you are not alone! Many people simply jump into dating without a plan and then they are disappointed when things don't go as well as they would like.

One of the best steps you can take to encounter more success is to formulate an Action Plan. Just think ... when you complete a project for work, don't you usually have a defined goal? And don't you lay out the steps to take in order to reach that goal successfully? Oftentimes, jumping in without a plan can lead to delays, a need to backtrack and rethink and redo, disappointment and frustration. Successful dating in no different. You need a plan!

Consider the following in constructing your ACTION PLAN.

1. Have you taken the time to get to know who you are at this moment in time and what type of partner would really fit into your life (and lifestyle)?

2. How serious are you about finding a new life partner? Are you willing to put in the hard work to find someone with whom you can connect?

3. Have you defined your ultimate goal? Is it dating, marriage, cohabitation, a platonic partner?

4. Have you examined your life to ascertain whether you have time (or are willing to make the time) to have a meaningful relationship?

5. Do roadblocks exist that would need to be conquered before you would be able to enter a meaningful, committed relationship?

6. If you are dating via the Internet, is your profile an accurate representation of who you are? Is it attracting the right prospective partners but you are still not able to "close the deal"?

7. Have you brushed up on your communication skills? After being in a long term relationship, people often get used to non-verbal clues. New relationships need verbal clues.

8. Are you attending the right types of events to meet the type of person you want to meet?

9. Are you willing to make yourself vulnerable and accept rejection as part of the process?

Wishing and wanting to find a new romantic partner sometimes does not provide enough focus for that desire to come to fruition. If you want to find love, you must make it a priority in your life and then take the necessary steps to make it happen.

And if you've tried and can't "make it happen" on your own, utilizing a relationship coach for professional guidance can help you hone your focus and provide a fresh perspective for you to look at dating in a different light.

Finding Love After Loss: Do You Need To Be Right?

Everyone likes to be right! However, in the midst of a relationship -- be it personal or professional -- is it more important to be "right" or to get the result that you desire?

Although conflict approached in a healthy manner can be beneficial to a relationship, incessant arguing and the need to be "top dog" decreases contentment and happiness. After a while, you come to expect an argument about every little thing and you become tense at each interaction with your partner. In this scenario, even when there is no conflict, you start looking for it or even hearing it in benign comments.

This circumstance can be the start of a downward spiral in a relationship. Now, when an argument crops up, you may be thinking about past hurts and letting this infringe on the current situation. This is not fair to either partner.

Next, doubt about your partner can begin to seep in. Doubting your partner, or not fully supporting him or her, can separate the two of you even more. Intimacy and trust are stretched to the limit when one partner feels he/she cannot reveal his/her innermost thoughts and fears without full and continued acceptance.

So what can you do to halt this cycle?

It is unrealistic to think that two people living in close proximity every day are never going to have conflict. Of course, you can choose not to participate in every argument to which you are invited to join!! You can take a step back and ask if the situation can be discussed at a more appropriate time.

It is best to approach an issue in a non-confrontational or non-accusatory manner. Use "I messages" rather than pointing a finger at your partner. Moreover, choose a time to discuss a problem when you are both relaxed and not highly emotional. This will allow you to hear what the other has to say with open ears and a more open heart. When your partner realizes that he or she need not cringe in fear of criticism from you, defensiveness is able to melt away and trust can be restored.

Partners need not be "Yes men or women" and never voice their opinions. However, you can agree to disagree and both partners can be winners rather than one feeling dejected and beat up by the other.  The need to always be right may satisfy your ego, but it can have a very detrimental effect on a relationship. Choose the result you want!

Finding Love After Loss: Is Silence Golden?

I am not a chatty person. Don't get me wrong! I can hold my own in the conversation arena, but I am also a big fan of silence.

I agree with Count Vittorio Alfieri who stated, "There is a silence, the child of love, which expresses everything and proclaims more loudly than the tongue is able to do."

In a relationship, it is important to possess the ability to have lively and interesting conversation, but in planning a long life with a partner, the ability to say 'I love you' in silence rates right up at the top of the list too!

When it comes to expressing love, here's my take on silence vs words.

Listen

There is more love in silence than words --

that special look, the fondness in the eyes, the soaring of the heart

Words cannot possibly express a feeling so powerful and strong,

for we need our hands and bodies, which are limbs of feeling,

to express the emotions of love

Words merely circle and sometimes complicate

how our bodies wish to sing

Not eloquent with words,

a simple caring caress will speak volumes to the recipient

And for those more expressive,

without the synchronicity of heart and body, the words will fall on deaf ears

Valentine's Day: A Real or Contrived Holiday?

Valentine’s Day  -- a double edged day that reflects the natural duality of this planet.

While it can be a wonderful day for lovers to renew their commitment to each other, the single community usually dreads the onslaught of the media hype that surrounds the day.

Let’s take a hard look at Valentine’s Day and its true meaning. 

Historically speaking, there are quite a few theories on its origin, and, in fact, there were three St. Valentines. One theory states that St. Valentine was a bishop who held secret marriage ceremonies for soldiers and their intendeds. This was in opposition to Claudius II who had prohibited marriage for young men who were going into battle. Claudius felt that married men naturally held an emotional attachment for their families and thus did not make good soldiers.

Bishop Valentine was also said to have formed an attachment with a young woman and, before his execution by Claudius II on February 14, 270 AD, wrote her a letter which he signed “From Your Valentine.” This phrase has lived on to this day. After that, February 14 became known as a day for lovers and Valentine became its Patron Saint. On this day, young Romans sent handwritten notes of affection to the women they admired. These notes were called valentines. 

It wasn’t until the 14th Century that St. Valentine’s Day, or February 14th, became definitively associated with love, for this was a day that it was believed birds mated. A UCLA medieval scholar credited Chaucer with linking St. Valentine’s Day and romance in his “The Parliament of Fowls” where he wrote, “For this was on St. Valentine’s Day, when every fowl cometh there to choose his mate.”

The holiday evolved through the centuries and eventually made its way to the shores of the American colonies. During the 1840s, Valentine’s Day became commercialized by Esther A. Howland (aka the Mother of the Valentine) when she created the first greeting cards specifically for that day. (Source: The Holiday Spot)

The “holiday” as we celebrate it today seems a bit contrived when you look at it in the light of its history. And you can say my attitude is one of Bah, Humbug, but I really don’t like the day. Why is that? Because, in truth, it is really a day perpetuated by mass marketers. After all, who are the big winners of this commercialized holiday? Not the average person but rather greeting card makers, jewelry stores, candy makers, flower stores, and an assortment of other businesses. In fact, according to the Greeting Card Association, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines!

I ask you, since when should saying “I love you”, with or without gifts, come only once a year – especially when you feel obligated to do so from societal pressure? In my book, if Valentine’s Day is the only day my partner can muster up the enthusiasm to express his love, it doesn’t count. To keep a loving relationship vibrant, the partners need to find ways to “I love you” in lots of different ways and every day of the year. Of course, for couples who do express their feelings throughout the year, Valentine’s Day can just be a bonus.

If you find yourself alone on this day, try not to feel sorry for yourself. Instead, feel sorry for those who scurry to make Valentine’s Day a special occasion but either ignore their partners or do not give their relationships the reverence it deserves every other day of the year. Every day is a one that you can walk and live in love. I believe it is foolish to think love expressed with candy and flowers speaks louder than every day respect and a caring attitude.