10 Tips on How To Live Happily Ever After

Remember that childhood chant …”First comes love, then comes marriage …”? It implied that there would be a happily ever after, and a lot of us bought into that sentiment!

The reality is that life is neither a fairytale nor is it all hearts and flowers. It can be, however, a loving, safe and nurturing place, if the partners persistently take the proper care to keep it that way.

Naturally, you want to marry Mr. or Miss Right, who is someone with whom you have much in common and to whom you feel a special connection. As time goes by, though, that “right” person has to continue to do the “right” things within the relationship to keep it alive and vibrant.

How does one stay Mr. or Miss Right? Here are 10 tips to keep you on the ‘right’ path.

1. Remember that marriage is a choice, and you have the power to choose to be happy or to be miserable in your union. If you feel stuck, dig yourself out by recognizing and dealing with your issues. Be neither a victim nor an enabler of your partner. Your life; your choice.

2. Don’t avoid conflict. It is not inherently bad. In fact, it’s how humans share their differences. It’s only how you choose to address conflict in your relationship that can make it a growth experience or a debacle.

3. Be grateful. Look for ways to show your love and be willing to accept your partner’s shows of affection (even if it is not in the way you want it or expect it).

4. Always paint your partner into the landscape of your life. Wherever you go and whatever you are doing – carry your partner with you. In this way, you are sharing your life even when you’re apart. This raises the importance of your partner in your thoughts.

5. Shun complacency. Relationships require work, for they should always be a work-in-progress. That means as each individual changes so must the relationship adapt and change, too. You wouldn’t want to operate equipment with old or wrong instructions. Similarly, you don’t want to operate your relationship with instructions that no longer apply.

6. Don’t hold grudges. This means when you are heatedly discussing Topic X, don’t bring in baggage from Topic Y that happened years ago. If you don’t release your grudges, you will have the same argument (without ever resolving it) throughout your relationship.

7. Don’t nag. Of course, you can make a polite request of your partner, but nagging (which you may think is only reminding) won't get it done any faster. In fact, it might have the opposite effect as all your partner hears after the first time is "blah, blah, blah."  Try asking for help rather than demanding or uttering the statement, "You never help around the house." Superlatives such as never and always are fighting words, for they are both improbable.

8. Keep intimacy alive – both the emotional and physical type. Withholding sex will only fuel the fires of discontent. Conversely, engaging in sex (even if you’re not in the mood or predisposed because of conflict), can help to clear the air by letting you reconnect with your partner on a visceral level. Sex naturally opens up the doors to positive communication.

9. Discuss your finances and your approach to financial management ahead of your union.  Make an active plan in which both partners have a say. If you remain passive in this area, there is no room for complaints down the road.

10. Take care of yourself and create boundaries. This is not a selfish act. If you are not good to yourself, you cannot be good to others. When you’ve had “Me Time” then you feel refreshed and able to cope with the ups and downs that all relationships experience.

It's your move!
Make it one towards building a happily ever after.

Using Proper Body Language To Find Love After Loss

What you say matters as much as the way you say it. Your accompanying non-verbal gestures also matter, for they convey subtle messages of approval and disapproval.

Let’s examine 10 areas in which nonverbal clues can make the difference when meeting prospective dates.

1. Eye Contact. If you are able to maintain eye contact with someone you’ve just met for at least 60 to 70% of the time, you are showing this person respect and exhibiting a genuine interest in what he/she has to say. This also fosters a comfortable atmosphere where self-defense mechanisms can be diffused. Eye contact above 70% can make a person uncomfortable, for no one likes such an intense scrutiny. And 100% eye contact is just staring and sort of creepy!!

2. Ears. Although it may be difficult to give off too many nonverbal clues with yours ears unless you can wiggle them up and down, just remember that good communication takes place when you listen twice (2 ears) as much as you talk (1 mouth).

3. Mouth. On the other hand, your mouth can be very expressive. It can turn up in a smile or down in a frown. Lips can be pursed, which oftentimes indicates disapproval. Raising your hand to your mouth and covering it while you’re talking can indicate a sense of insecurity about what you’re saying. Since a person is paying attention to your mouth when you’re talking, it takes just a small nuance to send a loud message.

4. Posture. As you sit at a table across from your date, are you slumped over or sitting tall? Good posture emanates confidence and a general sense of well-being. When you stand or sit up straight, it is easier for you to breathe deeply. This, in turn, promotes calmness. Slouching with droopy shoulders might indicate that you carry the weight of the world on your back and it is wearing you down. This negative stance can turn people away before you even get a chance to have a conversation.

5. Head. How you hold your head is also related to your postural stance. Keeping your head up indicates self-assuredness. It tells listeners that you know what you’re talking about and that you have valuable information to share. Slightly tilt your head to the right or left and that authoritative air is softened. A head tilt puts you in listening mode and shows genuine interest.

6. Arms. Cross your arms over your body and you’re projecting a defensive attitude or expressing disapproval over what is being said. Keep your arms at your side or behind your back and you project an open-minded quality – willing to listen and ready to receive new information.

8. Hands. For many people how they use their hands during a conversation is a cultural thing. Thus, there may be no deep meaning in their gestures. In general, though, palms up indicates a friendly attitude vs. palms down possibly indicating a more aggressive attitude. Be aware of how a person shakes hands. Is the extended hand in a vertical position (which indicates a feeling of equality) or is the hand offered with the palm up or down?

8. Legs. Tapping, jumpy legs lets your date know that you’re nervous or even hiding some fact about yourself. Whether you cross your legs or not is mostly about comfort, although keeping your legs straight out precludes your date from getting too close to you.

9. Angle of Your Body. How you turn your body can be indicative of your attitude toward another. It’s a pretty simple formula: we angle ourselves toward people we like and away from those who we don’t.

10. Space. Remember the character, the close talker, who appeared in a Seinfeld episode and made everyone so uncomfortable because he overstepped the other characters’ personal space? There’s a happy medium in creating the proper space between conversationalists. Too close and you could be labeled pushy. Too distant and you could be labeled aloof. Strike a pose somewhere in the middle.

Enjoy this clip from the Seinfeld show and watch all the body language. Remember, everything means something!

Clip from Seinfeld "Close Talker" episode

To Be Normal or Not To Be Normal

To paraphrase William Shakespeare ... 

To be normal or not to be normal. That is the question.

After experiencing loss, a popular buzz word you may hear (used to try to help you to understand your new life circumstances) is “new normal.”

I believe to understand the new normal, you must first understand normal. However, let me ask you, “Who and what is considered normal these days?” I don’t think we can rely on Webster to define normal anymore. The dictionary says it is something that is usual, customary or ordinary.

You only need to look at Mother Nature to see the reflection of the absence of what is considered normal today. Think about how many times in the last few years that you’ve heard the weather forecasters say that we are experiencing unseasonably (read: abnormal) warm or cool weather. I know that one year I visited my sister in the northeast in January, and it was 60 degrees, and back home (in the southwest) it was in the thirties! You could categorize these new weather patterns that seem to be changing from year to year a new normal.

The truth is that normal is always in flux and, therefore, every day can be considered a new normal.

John Henry Newman said that “growth is the only evidence of life.” Consequently, every day as you learn new things, you adjust your normal. This is especially evident if you have small children. They grow and change at such a rapid pace that every day is certainly a new normal for them, and this keeps them in a constant state of awe. And as they change, you must also change how you respond to them.

Accepting every day as an opportunity to greet a new normal can make your life more rewarding. In fact, it can allow you to recapture the awe you experienced as a child, if you let yourself get excited about the new opportunities that lie in front of you.

It can also afford you the ability to take giant leaps toward your goals. By disdaining complacency (which you can do by regarding yourself as a work-in-progress or a person who is willing to make changes when new information is received and processed), you can escape what Albert Einstein defined as a state of insanity – which is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

If life can be compared to a racing river – fluid and ever-changing – then complacency can be compared to a murky swamp that keeps you mired in one place.

Avoid stagnating in this swamp, which is a dark and negative place. Instead, ride the cycle of life where each new experience encountered is a state of new normal. Once adjustments are made, it simply becomes the norm. In actuality, if you are moving forward in life, it is simply a never ending cascade of a new normal becoming normal.

Release your uneasiness over greeting the many new normals to come. It is life in all its glory and your previous experiences have been preparing you for success.

If You Ass-u-me, You Won't Find Love After Loss

Your success or failure in the dating arena (or life in general) is directly proportional to the beliefs you hold at the time you embark upon your endeavor.

Many people have preconceived ideas about dating, especially Internet dating. They make assumptions about what it will be like and the type of people they will meet. Moreover, they don’t believe it will work, so they expect failure before they even try.

Usually, these self-defeating thoughts emanate from fear and insecurity and are postulated as a self-protective mechanism. It’s the old teenage mentality of “I’ll reject you, before you reject me.” Additionally, if you’ve let it be known that you don’t believe you will ever meet anyone of quality, when you don’t, you’ve steeled yourself against disappointment. However, in truth, what you’ve done is completed a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You’re probably aware of what the word ASSUME means. When assumptions are made, an ASS is made out of U and ME. That’s because you can’t know what someone else is thinking, unless you ask him or her directly.

So, the first assumption that needs to be thrown out the window is “I know what’s going on.”

In the context of a first date, or first few dates, the answer is probably not. Daters come with agendas, and they are usually not sharing them in the get-to-know-you beginning dates. Don’t assume you know what every sigh, sidelong glance, or lack of communication means.

The second bad assumption you can make is "I have a plan and no adjustments will ever be necessary."

Wrong. Life is fluid and adjustments are necessary to every plan you make. Don’t be rigid. Go with the flow and see where it takes you.

If you are desirous of launching a dating career, then a third assumption to let go is the belief that you are too old (or too young) to find success.

Wrong again. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and at every age. Sometimes, love found at a mature age is much sweeter because time is short and, thus, appreciated more. Both participants, hopefully, are grown up; consequently, they should each know who they are and what they want in a partner.

A fourth assumption that also negates your success is when you assume that you won’t have the time necessary to devote to finding a new partner.

That’s the wrong way to look at it. If you are too busy to date, then either you don’t want to or are afraid to. If you really want something in your life, you will make time for it – no matter how busy you are.

Lastly, the fifth assumption that needs to be banished from your thought processes is that you assume that you don’t deserve to be happy and successful.

Wrong, wrong, wrong! Everyone deserves to be happy and successful. However, you must make a conscious decision to go out and get the things that will allow you to feel that way. The world takes its cue from you; it will “punish” you only in response to your own self-punishment.

Let go of these assumptions and others that are holding you back from finding love. They are self-imposed barriers, and you have the power to tear them down.

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You can receive 150 actionable tips on love, dating and relationships in my e-book, In Order To Be Terrific, You Have To Be Specific. It's available via my website.

Should We Only Say "I Love You" on Valentine's Day?

Today is Valentine’s Day, and it is known to be the day for lovers to embrace each other and declare their undying love.

Wait a minute! Isn’t that what lovers are supposed to do EVERY day?

On Valentine’s Day, partners usually show their love by sending a card, offering a box of chocolates, showering a partner with jewelry or sharing a romantic interlude. Then, the next day, it seems to be okay to go back to complacency in the relationship.

There’s something wrong with that picture.

Giving gifts on Valentine’s Day (or just on other special occasions) does not give a partner a free pass for the rest of the year. In truth, the greatest gift a partner can give to his/her beloved is to be present in the relationship and shout “I love you” every day in both actions and words.

For those of you who are feeling alone on Valentine’s Day, take heart. It’s not a real holiday – only one perpetuated by the merchants who benefit most. Matter of fact, according to the Greeting Card Association, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines! No wonder, they conduct a massive advertising campaign.

This caption says it all. Make Valentine’s Day a non-event this year.

Now, I realize all the hoopla around the day by advertisers may remind you that you are without someone special.

I suggest you turn this thought around. In fact, you should feel sorry for those who are so intent on making Valentine’s Day such a big event and are crushed if they don't receive cards and presents.

To me, receiving gifts on Valentine’s Day just makes you part of the herd.

What’s more special is to live in love on the days when it is not dictated by society. Respect and a caring attitude always speak louder to me than candy and flowers.

And this attitude can be shared with more than a romantic partner.

So, if Valentine’s Day is be a day that touts love, let’s share those good feelings with our neighbors, our family and our friends. 

Spread the love and it will come right back at you!

Finding Love After Loss: Personal Development

Before you can be successful in your search for a new partner with whom you can build a successful, healthy and long-lasting relationship, it is necessary to spend some time in personal development.

Activities and actions that can further your personal development can include the following.

Take a class. These can expand your base of knowledge, or you can take them just for fun. This activity can bring joy to your life.

Travel. Learn about different native cultures and discover that you are only one part of a much bigger world. This helps to put your personal issues in perspective.

Try something new. Step out of your box and stretch those creative muscles.

In truth, personal development can be anything that broadens your horizons and allows you to look at yourself and the world in new and different ways.

With that definition in mind, you don’t even have to leave your house! For example, quieting your mind and spending some time in meditative and introspective thought can allow you to take giant leaps in your personal development. It can be the impetus for you to approach your issues in a different manner.

As you work on better understanding yourself … because that is what you need to do before you attempt to understand anybody else … keep in mind the following three concepts.

1. For new behaviors to become ingrained in your daily patterns, you need consistent reinforcement without exceptions. For example, you are starting a new exercise program in which you participate three times a week. You keep to it 100% for the first two weeks. Then something comes up the third week and you just can’t fit it in, but you think, “That’s okay. I’ll make an exception this week.” But this happens the next week and the next week until there are more exceptions to your routine than the routine itself. Remember that routines need constant consistency to stick and to become your “new normal.”

2. As you are completing new tasks or incorporating new ideas into your train of thought, make sure to pat yourself on the back for doing so. As these new routines become – well, routine – it’s easy to forget how impressive it is that you’ve managed to bring beneficial change to your life. If you are feeling like you haven’t really accomplished that much, look over your shoulder to see where you were a year ago, a month ago, even a week ago. This will illustrate how far you have really progressed.

3. Be kind and patient with yourself. We live in a hurry-up world and want results instantaneously. Look at all the advertisements that abound, such as: Lose inches overnight! Look 10 years younger in one month! These claims seem to be a little exaggerated, although there is probably someone who is getting these results. However, these are external changes and sometimes those are easier to produce than internal changes. In actuality, there must be internal change – or a change in perspective and thinking – before external change can take place. Your mind is powerful and once you consciously decide to institute change, it will happen. The “how” it will happen is the fine print or the details.

I can’t express strongly enough that if you want to have successful relationships, romantic or otherwise, you need to spend time in reflective thought to figure out who you are and what you want.

If you want to learn how to be successful in the dating arena, check out my newest book, Understanding Dating and Relationships From A to Z. In 26 concepts (from A to Z), I explain how you can be successful in the dating arena. 

Click to purchase.

It's a Kindle book, but you don’t even need a Kindle reader to get it. Click to download a free reading app from Amazon and you can read it on your computer, IPad, or another electronic device.

For a limited time, I am offering a free e-book version for those who will write a review of the book on Amazon.com. E-mail me and let me know you are interested or contact me via the Love After Loss page on Facebook. 

Finding Love After Loss: How To Fascinate Your Dates

Do you want your dates to find you utterly fascinating?

Recently, Forbes Magazine offered 10 ways NOT to be boring. My commentary about the items in this list are in italics.

1. Go exploring.

Be curious and explore the world on many levels: intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spirituality. Be open to visiting new places; listening to new ideas and considering other’s opinions.

2. Share what you discover.

When you’re out exploring and you discover something fascinating, it’s no fun if you only keep it to yourself. Share memorable tidbits with your dates. This will make you memorable, too. as the person who shared it with them.

3. Do something, anything.

Loosen the boundaries that you’ve self-imposed, maybe because you are afraid of taking action. So do something (or anything), even if it is a baby step. Remaining frozen in your beliefs and circumstances presents a closed mind (and closed door) to prospective dates.

4. Embrace your inner weirdness.

Don't worry, no one is "normal.” Your uniqueness, or way of looking at the world through different eyes, is what makes you more interesting.

5. Have a cause.

Believe in something and be passionate about it. This passion will naturally spill over into other areas of your life. Passion, or having that light in your eyes, will attract people to you.

6. Minimize the swagger.

Keep your ego in check; no one is "better" than the next guy or gal. When you think you are (and let others know about it), it's very offputting to prospective dates. Of course, you need to keep good self-esteem in balance with humility. A healthy ego is what lets you accomplish great things.

7. Give it a shot.

Be adventurous and try new things. Step out of your box. Who knows? You might like it there!

8. Hop off the bandwagon.

Learn to walk to your own drumbeat. This also relates to point #4 above. Continue to do what is right for you, even if it is not the popular stance.

9. Grow a pair.

Balance your development of an accommodating nature against being wishy-washy or indecisive. It’s good to have an opinion, as long as you don't stuff it down your date’s throat! You can agree to disagree.

10. Ignore the scolds.

Others may reprimand you or tell you not to do something. This is probably their fears talking vs. giving you good advice. Let go of regrets. You don’t want to look back and say, “could have, would have or should have.” Your gut knows what is best for you, so temper the advice you receive with your innate knowing about what is feasible for you.

Now, go out and “knock the socks off” of your dates!!

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