Some people are hooked on the excitement and the intensity of new relationships. With hormones on high alert, he or she pursues the object of affection with vigor. However, when the newness wears off, he or she quickly retreats, cutting off the relationship before it has a chance to become something real. Next!! He/she is off to find the next conquest in order to recreate the rush of those heady, early “in love” feelings.
If this is a pattern you recognize, let’s look a little deeper. While this person might profess he/she moves on quickly because no one seems just right for him or her, could it be that under this bravado (and perhaps denial), there may be fear lurking?
Of course, there is a time in one’s life when dating just for fun and without the intention of developing a relationship is appropriate. However, if one is desirous of a deeper connection, running away at the first hint of emotional intimacy is a red flag to be examined.
A healthy relationship requires one to make him/herself vulnerable to another. And with vulnerability comes the chance of being rejected. Utilizing a self protective mechanism, this person could always be the one who rejects, which precludes the possibility of being rejected.
Others may run away because he/she doubts his/her ability to maintain those “in love” feelings over the long haul. Dating can remain exciting, while everyday life includes the mundane. It is this fear of losing the initial excitement and longing to be with each other every moment that is beneath this pattern of chronic “first-date-itis.”
If the fear can be put aside, one can, instead, concentrate on developing ways to keep love, and the initial fire, alive.
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Focus on emotionally honest communication. A relationship should be the place where you let down your hair and you are able to breathe; a place where you are accepted for yourself, which includes the good , the bad and the ugly.
2. Create space and time to truly listen to one another without distraction. If time is at a premium, a mere fifteen minutes of connected communication can be enough.
3. Designate special times for the two of you to go out alone on a date night. This schedule takes precedence, only cancelable under dire circumstances. Making it a priority and rearranging other commitments sends the messages of respect, desire, and love.
4. Keep the good feelings about each other in the forefront of your mind and always paint the picture of your partner into the landscape of your life.
5. Find something about which to compliment your partner. This lets him/her know you find him/her attractive and desirable.
6. If possible, communicate with each other during the day, even if it's just a quick text saying, "I was thinking about you."
7. Engaging in written or spoken “foreplay” while away from each other goes a long way toward stoking the excitement for when you are reunited. The following is an example of a little love note to send a partner that says, “I can’t wait to see you!”
Under cover of the stealth of the night she came to him. Scant moments after passing over the threshold of his house, he slipped his tongue inside her mouth, relentlessly exploring all the dark recesses. His mouth was hot, hard and urgent. Her mind and body exploded with light and color, all the while relishing the damp and velvety-rough feel of his tongue. From deep within his throat, there came a slow and purring, yet hungry, sound. The air was thick with desire, and their bodies were full of delicious tingling and emotions no longer able to be bound. They ate at each others mouths, but that soon was not enough. His hands slid down her body and with one quick movement he pulled her toward him. Grinding his body into hers, he urgently whispered, “I need you right now.”
As you can see, there are many ways to keep the home fires burning by simply, “loving the one you’re with!”