The Chemistry of Relationships

Chemistry: a branch of physical science, the study of the composition, properties and behavior of matter. Chemistry is concerned with atoms and their interactions with other atoms, and particularly with the properties of chemical bonds. 

When it comes to dating, chemistry is an often discussed topic, and many make the decision to pursue a relationship based on whether they feel it or not. But, let’s take a closer look at chemistry and what it really means. 

If you accept the premise that every item in the universe is comprised of energy – of positive and negative charges in constant motion – that means humans are beings of energy, too. Moreover, according to the definition at the top of the article, that makes all our interactions chemical reactions, for chemistry is the study of the behavior of matter (or how atoms interact with other atoms). 

The fact that there are positive and negative charges reflects the natural duality of the world, and, as such, a chemical reaction can have a positive or a negative effect. 

For example, take the statement, “We have chemistry!” 

This can mean that the sparks were flying when you first met someone. However, were these sparks igniting feels of lust/love OR was there such friction that you rubbed each other the wrong way? 

Personally, I think the idea of chemistry at the outset of a relationship is highly overrated. Of course, you want to be attracted to someone, but sometimes that takes more than one meeting. Furthermore, isn’t it true that once you get to know and like/love someone that you are attracted to their beautiful “insides” more than their less-than-perfect “outsides”? 

Getting to know someone inside out is what relationship development is all about, and that is what creates a real and lasting chemical reaction. 

Here are some of my favorite quotes about chemistry in regard to relationships.

Have You Turned Your Intention OR Your Attention on Finding Love?

Whether you are looking to find love or working towards attaining another of your goals, it is important to examine and understand the difference between attention and intention.

ATTENTION can energize your body, for good and bad. On whatever you focus your attention, the stronger it will become in your life. If you are stuck emotionally on being lonely, afraid, sick, or broke, and you focus all your attention on feeling sorry for yourself or angry at finding yourself in this place, you will only perpetuate these factors in your life. 

You can wish and desire all you want in order to move through these less than desirable circumstances, but that is not enough. Desire alone is weak because, in most people, it is simply attention connected to attachment. That is, you are attached to the outcome.

Instead, try focusing your attention on the present and practice not feeling lonely, afraid, penniless, etc. This will trigger your intention to NOT feel that way. 

INTENTION is what transforms your thoughts into reality. In order to accomplish this feat, you must first quiet your mind. Meditating is a good way to do this. It allows you to access your intentions/desires. As you affirm them, you release your intentions to the universe and create the energy to start the process of realizing your goals. 

Once the energy is set in motion, you can then let the universe decide HOW this process will be revealed to you – always keeping in mind that there is not always one path and one favorable outcome. In other words, try not to become attached to how you see it happening. Let yourself just know it will happen and be surprised at how it comes about!

You may want to think of attachment as blinders on a horse; it only lets you see and desire one outcome. You become so attached to the end result that you’re not aware of a world full of available possibilities. For example, you may miss a wonderful friendship, if you are only desirous of a love connection. You may be better off, if you don’t force “your” solution. Instead, step back and witness it emerge from chaos and confusion. It is when you are in a state of confusion that you will find yourself in a true state of grace, for it is here that "spirit" (or your inner guidance) can provide you with the answers you seek.

The preceding is an excerpt from my book, "Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story." It's available as a soft-cover, Kindle, or ebook in pdf format. 

Click here for soft-cover.

Click here for Kindle version.

Click here for ebook version.

Are You Keeping Your New Year's Resolutions?

According to a survey, forty-five percent of Americans usually make New Year’s resolutions. The most popular resolutions are (in order from number one): (1) lose weight; (2) get organized; (3) spend less and save more; (4) enjoy life; and (5) stay fit and healthy. 

Unfortunately, out of the 45%, seventy-five percent of the people only maintain their resolution(s) through the first week. Forty-six percent maintain their resolution(s) past the six month mark. To put those numbers into perspective, what that means is that in a population of 100 people, 45 people make resolutions, but only ~33 of those people keep the resolution past the first week. By the time six months roll by, only 20 people are still keeping to their resolutions. 

So, today, we are 4 days into the first week of 2013. If you made a resolution, how are you doing on keeping it? 

Unfortunately, follow-through is not very strong on the resolutions many of us make for the new year. Perhaps it is because many of the ones we make tend to deprive us of pleasurable activities, such as eating great food, drinking and shopping. When you feel deprived, it usually increases your desire for it ten-fold, and it eventually leads to a breaking of the resolution with an overindulgence of the so-called pleasure. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big believer in setting goals and making resolutions to accomplish them. However, it’s important to create these with a positive mindset that rewards you for “good” behavior vs. a negative one that punishes you for “bad” behavior.  

I like Ellen Goodman’s take on it when she wrote the following. 

“We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room,

drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. 

 Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives ... not looking for flaws, but for potential.” 

In regard to dating ....

There are many who put off entering the dating arena because they feel they are too flawed, have too much baggage or have a negative body image. Are these excuses because they are afraid of rejection? For example, in regard to body image, do they subconsciously sabotage their weight loss efforts so they have an excuse to put off attending social events, etc. A favorite saying might be, “I just want to lose 10 pounds before I try to meet anyone.” Those 10 pounds never come off and can become an immovable obstacle unless the reason behind the avoidance is addressed. 

I’ve written a short book, Understanding Fitness and Weight Loss From A to Z, that speaks to 26 subjects and address some of these issues. Following is an excerpt on overcoming obstacles. 

SPECIAL OFFER: I’m offering a FREE download of the book from January 4 to January 6, 2013 via Amazon. It’s a Kindle book, but you don’t need a Kindle to read it. Just download a free reading app to access it on your computer, tablet, or phone. Links following. 

Click the book title name to access the free download of Understanding Fitness and Weight Loss From A to Z. 

Click here to access free Amazon reading apps. 

FROM UNDERSTANDING FITNESS AND WEIGHT LOSS FROM A TO Z

O is for OVERCOMING OBSTACLES 

OVERCOMING OBSTACLES: conquer, defeat, get the better of difficulties 

There is no such thing as a free lunch! In other words, every individual has his own obstacles to overcome in order to reach his goals. 

To an outsider, some may seem trivial and easy to resolve. However, you cannot truly understand another’s perspective until you have walked in his shoes. 

As you work towards overcoming your personal obstacles that are keeping you from the healthy and fit lifestyle you desire to live, there are two ways with which to confront them. In spiritual terms they are referred to as acting in object-referral or acting in self-referral. These represent two methods of dealing with your emotions and circumstances. 

Very often, a negative emotion is regarded as a weakness and dealt with in an inappropriate manner, such as the renunciation of responsibility for the creation of the circumstances that gave rise to the negativity. This is an example of acting in object-referral. 

However, if every time you experience negative emotions, you choose to learn and grow spiritually then you will be able to turn seemingly negative situations into positive experiences. This type of behavioral pattern is referred to as acting in self-referral. 

It is the choices you make on how to deal with your emotions that determine the outcome of the situations with which you are confronted. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: “In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility.”

How We Communicate

With practice, most anyone can learn to communicate with ease and confidence, as well as convey his/her true feelings. 

There are two parts to communication: verbal and non-verbal. 

Non-verbal clues can include: hand gestures, tics (voluntary or involuntary), stance and posture, facial expressions, breathing (noticeably heavy or shallow), attire, grooming (or lack of), and focus (i.e. wandering eyes). 

Your verbal message includes more than the spoken word. The delivery is quite important, too. Consider your answers to the following questions.

1. Are you fluid in your speech pattern and do your words roll off your tongue?  

2. Are you hesitant with your words or halting in your speech pattern? This could show a lack of confidence about what you’re trying to convey or it can even be indicative of how you feel about your own worthiness.

3. Does the tone of your voice go up at the end of each sentence so that it sounds like a question rather than a statement? This could indicate that you are unsure of what you’re saying or are afraid to state your opinion. If it is framed as a question, you can always backpedal on the issue. 

4. Are you enunciating each word vs. speaking rapidly and slurring your words? 

5. Are you modulating the volume of your voice, as well as its pitch and tone? Emphasis on different words in a statement can also change its meaning drastically. Here's an example. If the question "What are you doing?" is asked nonchalantly and posed in a non-threatening manner, it is regarded as benign. However, if the WHAT is emphasized (WHAT are you doing?) it could be indicative of disgust/surprise/horror upon espying someone completing an act. Or, if the YOU is emphasized (What are YOU doing?), it could certainly sound accusatory. 

A great many of us have stopped listening to ourselves as we speak, so we’re not aware of all the nuances we communicate. Try taking a step back to become an objective observer of your conversations. Listen for your tone; watch your focus; and pay attention to small/quiet non-verbal nuances which can convey loud messages. It’s imperative to say what you mean and mean what you say, and back it up with non-verbal cues. In other words, let your actions and words be in sync. For example, don’t say “I’m fine” with evident tears in your eyes and a frown upon your face. In truth, you're telling a "little white lie."

These “little white lies” may be uttered for various reasons that seem “okay” in the moment. For example: (1) supposedly sparing another’s feelings; (2) to agree in order to be liked or be part of the “in crowd”; (3) to avoid conflict or (4) to not burden another. 

These types of "lies" are so prevalent in society that it seems as if they are an accepted mode of communication. In fact, a recent article in the AARP magazine quoted an alarming statistic: "If you're like most Americans, you tell 11 lies a week." White lies were included in the total.

Putting aside the the moral issue on lying and the fact that it is simply too hard to remember anything but the truth, researchers have also shown that lying affects your mental and physical health. In a 10-week study, participants who told fewer lies experienced less anxiety and back pain and also had better social interactions. The conclusion was that people feel better when their relationships are going well. No matter how you look at it, lying (no matter the size or the reason behind it) is NOT a component of a healthy relationship that is going well.

Remember that it is very possible to tell the truth and be kind in your delivery. For example, it’s not necessary to say “That outfit makes you look fat.” Instead, you could say, “I’ve seen you wear more flattering outfits. How about the one you wore ….” 

The mode of delivery of a message is of utmost importance in all your relationships. Hard and necessary truths conveyed with an undertone of love and acceptance are heard more easily than harsh/cruel words that communicate blame and criticism.

Heed the words of James M. Barrie, who said: "Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always try to be a little kinder than necessary."

Six Tips for Successful Relationships

I love what Kevin Anderson had to say about blogging:

"The bottom line is that blogging is like sex.

You can't fake it. You can't fake passion. 

You can't fake wanting to engage with the public. 

If you do, it will ultimately be an unsatisfying experience

for the blogger and their readers."

Today, I'm passionate about sharing my thoughts on love, dating and relationships. Here are six for your consideration.

1. The caption divulges the key to success in any endeavor you might undertake. You, too, can fly as free as a bird who has the ability to lift himself from undesirable circumstances and migrate to a place where the sun is always shining.

2. The following is an important key to building successful relationships, both personal and professional. You were given two ears and one mouth. Accordingly, listen twice as much as you talk.

3. No relationship is strife-free, but, as Robert H. Schuller said, "Problems are not stop signs; they are guidelines."

Don't let roadblocks stop you in your tracks. Find a "curvy" way (like the street sign captioned below) around issues that confront you. This new way, which veers off the straight road from A to B that you might be used to taking, might present interesting solutions and also allow you to connect with those you would not have normally met in your regular walk of life.

4. A bad attitude is like a blown light bulb that plunges you into darkness. You can’t even see what is right in front of you until you change it.  Check to see if your "light bulbs" are becoming dim, if not already blown out. If they are, make the change today!

Extrapolating that thought to dating ... if you think you are going to have a negative experience with dating or will never find anyone else to love and someone who will love you back, there's a good chance you will make that into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Changing your attitude towards any circumstance that confronts you is one of the first steps for moving through it with grace to reach eventual success. 

5. Henry David Thoreau said, "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."

Accordingly, if you want to be partnered, visualize yourself in that situation. Be assured, this doesn't negate your capabilities to live fully as a single person. However, envisioning that there is room and an important place for a partner in your life opens up the space for him/her to walk in. Visualize your dreams first and then pull them into your everyday reality to bring them to fruition.

6. As you start to think about what you want to accomplish in the new year, remember that life is about participating. Don't sit on the sidelines or act like a wallflower. And if no one is asking you to dance at the moment, create your own opportunities to "dance." Your joy will shine through, making you attractive, and it will draw people to you.

I like the sentiment Lee Ann Womack expresses, and I echo it as my wish for you. She said, "When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."

SPECIAL: DEEP DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE

Don't forget to check out my Holiday Sale on a selection of my books on both relationships and coping with grief. Click HERE to find out more.

Lighten Up and Smile!

Times are tough these days, so most everyone can use a little light in their lives. Smiling, both to yourself and at the world, is a simple and inexpensive way to experience a change in perspective so that light can stream into your life once again. With an adjusted stance at how the world is viewed, pro-active thoughts and subsequent positive changes can be experienced. In fact, "smiling makes you feel better about yourself, even if you don't feel like it. And it always makes other people think better of you." 

Furthermore, as Joseph Addison said, “What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. These are but trifles, to be sure, but scattered along life’s pathways, the good they do is inconceivable.” 

Smiling is also a wonderful way to attract others to you. Even Mother Teresa agrees. She said, "Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love." 

I believe that smiling, and the positive thoughts it sparks, is so important that I wrote a book about it! The book offers 33 ways to change your perspective and suggests ways on how to incorporate smiling into everyday life. 

I’m allowing FREE downloads of the book for the next five days, December 14th through December 18th. Here is how you can access your free copy. 

Please spread the word about it, so everyone you know can begin to practice the art of smiling!

1. Starting at 12:01 A.M. on Friday, December 14th go to this Amazon link.

2. You will notice the price is set at $0.00 and will remain so until midnight of December 18th.

3. Lighten Up and Smile: The Power of Smiling and Positive Thought is a Kindle book. However, you DON’T need a Kindle to read it. Just download a free reading app from Amazon. This will allow you to read it on your computer, tablet, phone.

Here's what one reviewer, Celeste Castillo, said about the book:
"I really liked this little book. It shows the power of a smile. I put it in practice as soon as I started reading and the results were amazing. I got a great response from the people around me. It made me more approachable and welcoming. This book is great and everyone should read it!!" 

In addition to what you'll read in the book, here are some extra "smiley" thoughts for you today.

And here's a fun game to play.

Building Healthy Relationships: Choose The Life Your Want

It’s Your Choice 

Choice Therapy: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom (published 1998) by Dr. William Glasser, an internationally recognized psychiatrist, presents the theory that we all choose how we behave and that our control is limited to our own behavior vs. trying to control the behavior of another. 

As man’s most important need is love and belonging, he wants to do everything in his power to further closeness and connectedness in his relationships. When this goal is not attained, and, thus, he feels alone or rejected, he becomes dissatisfied by his relationships. Quite often, rather than looking inside himself and recognizing that his own choice of behaviors may have caused the deterioration of the relationship, he looks externally to place blame on another or makes himself a victim by blaming the circumstances in which he finds himself. 

Glasser’s theory goes on to state that there are seven caring habits that will foster good relationships and seven deadly habits, which are detrimental to relationships. The deadly habits are aptly named, for their usage will eventually lead to the destruction of a relationship. 

As a result of falling prey to the seven deadly habits of criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing, and generally trying to get your partner to do what you want him/her to do, individuals push each other further apart, which results in a disconnection. 

This disconnection is at the root of many of the emotional problems we encounter during our lifetime. As we become more disconnected, our basic need for love and connectedness moves further away from us, and we become unhappy, depressed, mad, sad – a whirlpool of negativity from which it is difficult to extricate oneself. This leads to more external blame, for people have a hard time seeing it is their choice to feel a certain way. 

A person can just as easily choose to be positive about a situation, rather than negative. It is all in one’s perspective. 

The bottom line is that we each have a CHOICE on how we respond to our circumstances and a choice on how we behave towards our partner. It is greatly influenced by our perspective, for it is possible to consider the same situation good or bad. It is the individual who places the emotional tag on the circumstance. 

Glasser contends that having at least one close and satisfying relationship is imperative to our mental, physical and emotional health. It is when we are unable to get along with the important people in our lives that our ability to cope in other areas of our life deteriorates too. 

When we are frustrated by a relationship, we may tend to revert to anger. In this anger, we might lash out and emotionally hurt a partner. In a continuous downward cycle, this anger saddens and depresses us – actually immobilizing us so we cannot act on our feelings (good or bad ones). Now, we do not have enough energy – even to be angry – because the depression is zapping our strength. We then blame our depression (and our partner) for our inaction. We are looking outside of ourselves to find an external reason for the predicament in which we find ourselves. In truth, we have chosen to act in this fashion and created our own mess. 

Moreover, when we are sad, or suffering, we are, in essence, “asking” our friends and family to reach out to us – without really having to come out and beg for attention. The result is the same, though. We have chosen to cut ourselves off from the most important love relationship in our life, and, in our need for connectedness, we search for some other way to get love, which is calling attention to oneself by exhibiting a suffering attitude.

We could just as easily choose not to suffer and decide to act in ways to repair the relationship. We could take responsibility, as well as step out of the fear of rejection by reaching out to a partner. In other words, we could use the seven caring habits of supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences. 

Suffering or situational depression is sometimes chosen as an easier route because it gets one off the hook to do the hard work necessary to have a healthy and successful relationship. This hard work includes being courageous; being emotionally honest; not playing games; realizing and accepting one can only be in control of oneself and not his/her partner; discontinuing the jockeying for position with a partner in a power struggle; and subordinating some individual wants and desires for the greater good of the relationship. 

These are not easy feats to accomplish, although doable if both partners agree to work towards the goal of having a great relationship. The choice is yours.

Interested in learning more about healthy relationship principles? 

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