Co-Dependency in Relationships

Our collective consciousness, which is a shared belief system that operates as a unifying force within society, seems to actually encourage co-dependency with love songs such as “Can’t Live if Living is Without You.” 

Two types of co-dependents exist – the takers and the caretakers. The taker’s primary fear is that he has no power to make himself happy, while the caretaker’s primary fear is that he doesn’t have the right to make himself happy. When these two types of people come together, nobody ends up happy.

CARETAKER vs. TAKER

Each makes his love conditional, and the dependent needy feelings that exist always have strings attached. For example, statements uttered can include: 

       “I will love you if ….” 

       “If you really loved me you would .…” 

Over time, neediness begins to feels weak, and it can eventually turn into resentment  directed toward the person who was fulfilling the need. 

For example, a husband may have needy feelings, and he looks to his wife for her to fulfill them. He gets caught in a Catch-22. He wants his needs fulfilled, yet he feels "less of a man" having to depend on his wife, so he begins to resent her for giving him that for which he asked. There's no easy way out of that circle.

In another scenario, in the quest to fulfill her husband's needs, the wife may give it her best effort for as long as she can. However, when she reaches her limit and can no longer handle the constant drain on her energy and emotions, she may cut back on fulfilling his every need. Now, the husband has gotten accustomed to a certain pattern and when it stops he might begin to resent that fact and, consequently, feels unloved. 

Keep in mind that the man or woman who most often fulfills his or her spouse's needs holds power over the other, even perhaps unknowingly. This constant "doing" for the other is regarded as love. When the "doing" stops, it feels as if loving feelings are being withheld. Unhappiness is usually the result. (This is not to say that partners shouldn't do things for each other, only that the actions should not be conditional and should be given freely without expecting anything in return.) 

If the aforementioned pattern continues, and constant unhappiness becomes the norm, there exists the possibility it could be channeled into emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. This type of cycle perpetuates itself and each partner begins to feed off the other. The only way to break the cycle is by refusing to participate and with each partner taking responsibility for his/her own happiness.

It is equally as important to establish good boundaries and healthy patterns at the onset of a relationship before unreasonable and unsustainable expectations are established.

What Type of Relationship Do You Want?

Although most might not admit it, we often have an agenda that propels our actions. While the word “agenda” may have a negative connotation, having one is not necessarily sinister. An agenda might just be a well-thought out plan to get us from one point to the next. 

In regard to relationships, it is important is to be aware if you have an agenda. In this way, you can assure yourself that you are binding yourself to a partner for the right reasons. 

Here are four examples of possible agendas. 

A Convenient or Friendly Relationship. You may be tired of being alone and you start a relationship with a person who fills some of your needs but with whom you are not necessarily “in love.” A long time friend could also be a good candidate for this type of relationship. You genuinely like each other and, as a bonus, you can share expenses, child rearing duties, and household responsibilities. However, the passion of romance is missing. 

An Abusive Relationship. Since none of us want to think we would willingly enter an abusive relationship, this type of agenda would probably be a hidden or buried one. A person who should be on the lookout for this type is one who may have suffered verbal, emotional or physical abuse in their familial home or a prior relationship. Abuse comes in lots of different manifestations, and often an abused person confuses love and abusive attention. Due to our tendency to revert to the familiar (even if it is not good for us), an abused person may draw multiple abusive relationships to them without consciously realizing it. 

A High Status Relationship. When faced with financial hardship, or even disaster, it is nice to daydream about entering a relationship with a person who can solve your problems with their money. If this is the main impetus for a relationship, you may solve one problem, but others will most likely erupt. Remember, there is no such thing as a free lunch and you WILL pay at one end or the other. 

A Long Distance Relationship. You may have gotten used to doing things on your own and you like your independence and the fact that you don’t have to explain yourself or your time to anyone else. This doesn’t negate that you might also like to have a monogamous partner …. although not on a full time basis. Accordingly, you might purposefully look for a partner who is not home very often, for example, a pilot who is constantly jetting across the world. This could give you the best of both worlds: autonomous time and a partner with whom to have fun and share responsibilities. 

In general, every relationship fulfills some need within us. If it didn’t, why would we enter into it? 

Without making a value judgment about the myriad of different types of relationships that are possible, I only caution you that you take the time to examine the reasons (that may lie below the surface) why YOU are participating in yours. If you can be honest with yourself, you have a better chance at success.

Can Love Last Forever?

The Traditional Wedding Vows usually say the following.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

With the divorce rate so rampant these days, it doesn’t seem as if many people take these vows seriously. Of course, when they were written, the mortality rate was a lot lower and until death do us part might have been only ten to twenty years, if that many. 

With people living and being active into their eighties and nineties, do you think it is feasible that one person could fulfill your needs through all the seasons of your life? Or, do you need or want a different type of partner when you’re young and in procreation mode than when you’re retired and in grandparent mode? 

I would like to believe in the fairytale of happily ever after and have faith that if two people make promises to each other that love will allow them to move through the difficult times. 

Romantic as that sounds, I think it’s possible to stand by these beliefs. However, it does require me to adjust my definition of happily ever after. 

At the beginning of a relationship, romance rules and partners seem to experience unbridled exuberance. This stage is most often referred to as the honeymoon period and lasts about 12 to 18 months. This phenomenon has actually been substantiated by scientists who recently have discovered that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain. And guess what? These changes last about 12 to 18 months! This is one of the best reasons to wait 12 to 18 months before marrying. If you still like your partner at the end of that time, your chances of having a successful relationship increase exponentially. 

So – what happens after that? 

Well, that’s where real love begins and, consequently, when you have to start “working” at your relationship. 

For relationships to work, the partners must remain fluid as they adapt to the changing landscape of their lives and also their bodies as they age. Remember to cherish the aspects of your partner with which you fell in love. Keep them in the forefront of your mind and bury (or ignore) annoying idiosyncrasies. 

Work towards collaborating vs. competing with your partner. Remember, you’re a team and a home run hit by one of you is a home run for the family. This is why relationships don’t always seem as if they are 50/50. Sometimes, you’re the star and center of attention and sometimes you play the supporting role. Whichever the configuration, it still always adds up to 100%! 

Capturing that happily ever after doesn't necessarily mean that you will feel that initial exuberance every day of your marriage. A lot of marriage, as a lot of life, is simply completing tasks that need doing. The "happy" part usually comes in moments, and these need to be deposited in your memory bank so they can be withdrawn for a "pick-me-up" as needed.

Remember that keeping love alive takes a willingness on the part of both partners (and the ability to see the humor and absurdity in life). This makes it possible to have a relationships last forever.

Establish Healthy Patterns In Your Relationships

"Learn from yesterday; 

live for today; 

hope for tomorrow. 

The important thing is not to stop questioning." 

~Albert Einstein 

The patterns deeply imbedded in your subconscious from the many yesterdays that came before today can only be overcome by your willingness to address them day after day. 

For example, if your last relationship was filled with dysfunction, you must remember to remain on high alert in order to avoid the easy slide back into this pattern. Although you may rationally disdain the dysfunction, it is a familiar way for you to look at the world, and, unfortunately, comfort is sometimes found in that feeling. You can actually be comfortable with your uncomfortableness. 

It is up to each individual to avoid becoming a victim of his or her own circumstances and to stop the cycle of repeated mistakes. 

The first step is to RECOGNIZE your unhealthy patterns and to discover their root cause.

Next, RELEASE these thoughts so that you don’t attract similar circumstances back into your life. 

Finally, if you are confronted with them again, learn to RESPOND in a changed manner so you reap a better result. 

You can stop making the mistakes of yesterday with self-awareness, a change in perspective, and a proactive and positive attitude. 

When you are ready to begin a new relationship, it is very important to establish healthy patterns at the outset. 

For example, don’t believe that you have to act like a doormat or never say no to your partner in order for him/her to fall in love with you. If this is the pattern you establish at the outset, you are going to be hard pressed to change direction when you eventually start feeling drained by this submissive behavior. Your partner may balk, if you want to change the game plan into which that he/she bought. And he/she has every right to be upset, for the expectation was apples and now there are only oranges. 

Remember to greet your partner with the person you want to be throughout your relationship and NOT with behaviors that will end in eventual dysfunction.

A portion of this post is an excerpt from my book "Understanding Spirituality From A to Z" which is available as a Kindle or Nook book as well as an e-book via my website.

In an easy-to-read format, learn how to start on the path of self-discovery in order to recognize your place and purpose in life.

Don't Let Your Expectations Disappoint You

Imagine the following scenario.

You’ve met someone and you just clicked. You’ve seen each other a few times and it seems to get better each time. Your expectations start to build and you think this could be it! This person could be the one! 

Then – Bam! The other person disappears without a word. You’re left wondering what the heck just happened. You’re sad and also mad at yourself because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable for the first time in a long time, and you fear that this episode may be the impetus for a retreat back behind your self-imposed walls. 

Now, you MIGHT have believed that you were experiencing the beginning of love, but this is not how love looks. 

Love doesn’t run away, and it is not so disrespectful that it leaves without an explanation. Moreover, true love does not happen over the course of a few dates; it takes time to take root and grow. 

In truth, it is the unfulfillment of your expectations that will get you every time. What brings the most sorrow in life is when reality is vastly different from the picture in your head of what it was supposed to look like. And you know how much I dislike the word “should” and the phrase “supposed to.”

When you meet someone to whom you really feel a connection, I know it is sometimes hard to keep your excitement and expectations in check. And if things go wrong, it’s also human nature to try to figure out if you did anything wrong. 

Having said that, it is important to let a relationship unfold in the manner that was meant to be. That doesn’t mean you can’t lovingly encourage it along. Just don’t blindly jump to Phase 10 when you’re really only in Phase 1.

Here is an excerpt from Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story that illustrates what can happen when you harbor expectations and they are subsequently dashed.

 BROKEN PROMISES 

 Do not make promises you cannot keep

 They create expectations, and 

a broken expectation is the stuff of broken hearts

 You say you’ll call, you’ll write

I sit by the phone, watch the mail 

 But those were empty promises, and my heart turns cold 

 Each broken promise is like a brick added to 

the wall around my soft, believing heart 

 The next person who makes a promise will have to 

chip away at my hardened heart for me to believe it will come true 

 Your words are powerful and create an energy of their own 

 It can be a positive energy and create joy, or 

it can be lies and create sadness and disappointment 

 Be wary of what you say, and 

have your words and actions always be the same  

The Cycle of Life: Loss and Rebirth

I “bill” myself as a grief and relationship coach, and I thought I would take the time to explain why I chose those two areas of concentration. In truth, I believe everything in life really comes down to these two topics.

Let’s consider grief first.

Grief, in some form, is with us from the moment we are born as we take the first steps toward our ultimate destination.

Life is actually a constant and natural progression of loss and subsequent rebirth. This is clearly reflected in nature by the endless change of seasons.

Loss takes many forms; it can be big and small.

For example, as the school year is ending, graduation may be on many a person’s mind. We don’t usually think of this milestone as a loss and rebirth, but I believe it is.

Each year, school age children move from one grade to another. They leave well-loved teachers behind; friends might move away; and a transition to a new school may be encountered from elementary to middle school to high school and onto college. In these instances, each “goodbye” is a loss. However, on the other side, there is a hello to a gain or a move into a new time and place in one’s life.

One factor in determining how successful we are in life, is how well we can handle the multitude of transitions experienced over the span of a lifetime. Responding vs. reacting to these changes tends to help them pass more smoothly.

My next area of concentration is relationships.

When I muse about the meaning of life, for me, it always comes down to my relationships, of which I have both personal and professional ones.

In the end, will it really matter what size house I had, what kind of car I drove, or if I got to travel around the world?

I think not. 

Stephen Levine said it perfectly: “If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?”

The old cliché, “home is where the heart is,” rings true for me, for I am at the center of my life. This is not a negative egocentric thought, for it is a healthy ego that propels us to accomplish our goals. So, the relationship I have with myself is of utmost importance. It determines my perspective – how I see my world, as well as the world-at-large and those who inhabit it.

All my other relationships radiate out in concentric circles around this main orb. Each of us spends a lifetime working on them. I’ve captioned just a few in the picture below.

As we move through life, people move in and out of it. We experience loss but also joy in new relationships or the success of already established ones.

So, we’ve come full circle back to grief. And to resolve your grief, it is important to understand the cycle of life – the relationship that all things and every person has with his/her life and that each has a designated season to live.

Relationships and grief … to me, that’s what it is all about!

If you want help working through your grief or with your relationships, I offer lots of books on both subjects as well as coaching. Visit my website for a full listing. 

Are You In Love or In Love With Love?

Has your status read “Single” for quite some time now, and you feel ready to look for new love?

Stepping into dating awakens your senses that have remained dormant when you were without a special someone.

After a long hiatus, upon connecting with a prospective partner, you start to ‘remember’ what it feels like to be in love – or at least in like. And it feels great!!

Your new beau may be showering you with attention; telling you how wonderful you are; and, very soon, professing his love.

It’s very tempting to get caught up in this whirlwind of good feelings. However, when you’re in the midst of a whirlwind, your vision can become blurred. Red flags may be flying, but either you can’t see them or you’re ignoring them.

It feels like the sweet smell of love is in the air and you want to breathe it in. For the first time in a long time, you allow yourself to be vulnerable to another. There’s a whole lot of sharing and caring going on, and the two of you are in constant contact.

Perhaps, after a few months (or it might even be weeks), the “winds” die down. Contact is a little less frequent. Affirmations of love are a little slower in coming. In general, there’s a pullback.

You might wonder, “What did I do?” or “When did things change?”

You’re confused – probably a little hurt, too.

So, what happened?

Well, if this was your first foray into dating after the loss of a partner, you may have been infatuated with love vs. truly loving your prospective partner.

When you are able to look past your emotions and reflect on the situation, you might come to the following conclusion.

You actually loved the way you were being loved because this made you feel so great about yourself, and this was a way you haven’t felt in a long time (romantically speaking).

So consider the idea that when the loving interactions stopped, you might not have really missed the other person but only the good feelings you derived by being the recipient of love and desire.

This is one of the reasons why it is important to take your time when dating. Chemistry is terrific, but real love takes time to develop.

Chemical reactions can look like they are going to work, but eventually the lab blows up! Slow and steady, adding in ingredients a little at a time (i.e. trust, honesty, steadfastness), can ensure a better result for your ‘experiment.’ After all, aren’t all budding relationships experiments until they metamorphose into something real?

So my best advice to beginning daters is 

“Take It Slow – Take It Slow – Take It Slow!”