10 Tips on How To Pick Up Women The Right Way

When you spot a woman to whom you feel an attraction, what’s your first thought and, subsequently, your first move? 

Do you turn away due to a fear of rejection or, worse yet, approach her with a tired pick-up line like the one Joey used on the television show “Friends”?  

Both of the preceding are bad ideas and they will not encourage a positive response from a woman. Approaching people with whom you desire to start a conversation is really all about exhibiting a confident demeanor (even if you’re shaking in your boots inside!). 

Here are 10 tips that can enhance your success ratio. 

1. Smile. A smile is your most attractive quality. It allows you to seem accessible, friendly and non-threatening. 

2. Stand up straight. Poor posture and shuffling as you approach creates an aura of negativity and can be indicative of poor self-esteem. 

3. Show your confidence. One way this can be illustrated is by not being hesitant in your actions. Know what (and who) you want. Rather than taking multiple sneak peeks and then pretending you weren’t doing so, approach a woman soon after you notice her. 

4. Maintain eye contact. If you manage to start a conversation with a woman, pay attention to her. Don’t let your eyes wander to see if there is someone better on the horizon. 

5. Be a gentleman. Be courteous while using please and thank you. If it’s applicable, hold out a chair for a woman or open a door. 

6. It’s not so much what you say but how you say it. You can say the same thing in two different tones of voice, and the recipient will get a different message each time. Be aware of the modulation of your voice. Don’t let it be too booming in an enclosed area or too wimpy in a noisy arena. 

7. Body language also plays a big part in how a message is received. Make sure not to take a threatening stance. Don’t be too close a talker, such as the character in the Seinfeld episode about this matter. Learn to respect a person’s boundaries, for leaning in too close to a person you just met makes most very uncomfortable as you impinge on their space. 

8. Use your active listening skills. Don’t play out a conversation in your head with pre-thought out lines. Remain in the moment, pay attention to what a woman is saying and make sure to respond appropriately. 

9. Don’t go too fast. If you seem overeager, you may frighten a prospective date away. Strike a balance between being interested in pursuing further contact and acting like a stalker! 

10. If all else fails, don’t worry about being interesting. Simply be interested in the person to whom you are speaking. 

To learn more about dating, check out my book, “Understanding Dating and Relationships From A to Z.”  Click here to purchase.

Read the Introduction and an excerpt here. 

For more tips on how to date with success, click here.

Guest Post by Andrew Hessel

A couple of weeks ago, I reviewed Andrew Hessel's newest book, The Do-Over. If you missed it, you can read it here. Today, it's my pleasure to present to you a guest posting by Andrew as he tells in his own words how The Do-Over came to be written. 

The Do-Over is my fourth novel, written after completing a crime thriller trilogy in the Cups Drayton Series. I confess it came as quite a surprise, one of many reasons the book has special meaning for me. 

With elements spilling across different genres, I won’t attempt to force it into one, instead calling The Do-Over a novel of hope, love and second chances; a crime thriller-love story with a dash of fantasy and a sprinkle of sci-fi. That’ll have to do. 

Readers and fans have asked how this book came about, so here goes. 

My wife, Lynne, encouraged me to step outside my comfort zone. As an artist, I liked how that felt. While I had ideas for three more Cups thrillers and dearly love those characters, the allure of sailing uncharted writing waters was irresistible. 

Besides, writing novels isn’t baking cookies; the next book isn’t simply the next batch.

She asked what I thought readers really want. I took that to mean what do people most need, what might make a difference? The more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that Hope was in preciously short supply, and that a little piercing of the gloom was something we could all use. 

That times are tough for many of us is hardly breaking news, I know. Still, the reality is that so many of us are living lives that scarcely resemble what we might have dreamt or imagined not long ago. For the vast differences of our lives, loss is a rather mysterious common denominator. 

There is no more life-changing event than loss and it comes cloaked in so many guises. 

The loss of a spouse or a partner; the loss of a child or a dear friend; the loss of passion, or faith or dreams; and the loss of spirit and will, leaving us incapable of believing that we have the strength, or can summon the courage, to endure what we must and somehow find our way. 

Trust me when I say that, as a writer, the notion that the loss of hope would be the central theme of my new novel was both inspiring and terrifying. 

My novels all begin with the characters. Crazy as it may sound, as I meet them, and get to know them, the characters reveal the story. 

Kimberly Ann “Kiki” Kinsler, the heroine of The Do-Over surely did. In fact, at the end, I’d come to know her so well I had no choice but to revisit and completely rewrite earlier passages. Such was the intimacy and feeling I had for her after really getting to know her.

A twenty-one year old college student, Kiki couldn’t have been a greater departure from Cups Drayton, my middle-aged, feet of clay, maverick FBI agent. I wasn’t sure where all this had come from, but I was having the time of my life and the story had taken on a life of its own.

As parents, whatever our age or the age of our children, we all harbor a hope for their future. 

That our children will thrive and live happy, healthy, richer, easier, and fulfilling lives.

That they be spared the cruelly capricious and unjust pain life too often brings.

And for all their dreams to come true, whether ours did or not. 

Of course, there are no guarantees nor can we protect them. 

Kiki had lived a happy life before the tragedy that upended it. A bright young woman of good heart, eager for the future, filled with confidence and hope, albeit born of youth and innocence. 

What befell her couldn’t have been more cruel, unfair or heartbreaking. Or changed her life more fundamentally. 

I felt such a good person dealt such a horrific hand deserved a second chance, but there could be no celestial-snapping-of-the-fingers to make it so. 

There would be big risks, steep costs and unfolding uncertainties and contradictions associated with it. Her path is full of surprises; many are life affirming but others are soul crushing. 

Confronted with impossible, untenable choices, Kiki wrestles with her capacity – and her right – to make them, fearful of the consequences of changing the past to redefine her future. 

And, incredibly, along the way discovering love that she never expected, a love that was meant to be but couldn’t be. 

Readers tell me the story stays with them for a while after they’ve finished. A writer couldn’t ask for more than that. Please take a Free Test-Read, download the first seven chapters on my website and decide for yourself. Whatever your thoughts, I’d genuinely appreciate hearing them. 

Email me at andrew@pleasereadmybookbeforeidie.com and I’ll write back. 

I’m fiercely proud of the Cups Drayton crime thrillers. The characters are rich and complex, the stories they tell are extraordinary, and they appeal beyond the genre for the right reasons. I love them and plan on returning to them in the future. 

For all that, The Do-Over will always occupy a special place in my heart, for the hope it offers, for what it says about the power of love, and for the second chance most of us only dream of. 

All the best to all of you. May the pages turn and deprive you of sleep. 

Andrew Hessel 

Portland , Oregon 

www.PleaseReadMyBookBeforeIDie.com

The difficulties one encounters when coping with loss of which Andrew writes, obviously, rings true for me. I have spent almost two decades, first, working through my own grief and then helping others to deal with theirs. If you have experienced the loss of a loved one, I invite you to please visit my website and bookstore for help on your journey.

7 Tips For When You Join an Online Dating Site

Anyone can join an online dating site and post a profile. However, if you want to have a successful dating experience with said site, heed the following 7 simple tips. 

1. Carefully choose your “handle” or user name. As prospective dates peruse the available profiles, your name and picture are the first two things they will see. Don’t use a sexually provocative name, unless you are simply looking for a hook-up. For privacy issues, if you don’t want to use your name, try to come up with something that is representative of your personality. When I was dating, I either used Nelle (Ellen backwards) or LN (say it aloud and it’s Ellen). No one ever guessed my real name until I told them and then it became a conversation point. 

2. Upload a good picture. Make sure your picture is not outdated or so fuzzy that a person cannot make out your features. Moreover, the picture should just be of you. That means no group shots or cropped out old boy/girlfriends where only an arm or a leg is visible. No pictures of kids or dogs; save that for later. 

3. Write a strong personal message. Many of the sections on a dating profile are structured where you only get to check boxes or choose from a predetermined list. Your personal message is where you get to shine and let prospective dates know who you are and for the type of person and life you’re looking. 

4. Don’t leave any sections empty or fail to list your requirements. Don’t be afraid to state what you want. For example, if you only want to date those who are of the same religious persuasion, then don’t waste the time of those who are not. 

5. If you’re serious about finding a partner, join a dating site vs. simply uploading your profile in the free membership program. If you don’t join, you can’t contact anyone you may find interesting nor can you answer anyone’s e-mails to you. Free member profiles usually don’t show up on the beginning pages of searches, and many who are looking never make it past the first few pages. Consequently, you may never get seen. 

6. Be an active member on a dating site. Login often and see who’s online and to see if there are any new members who recently joined. Send messages, winks and the like to members who look interesting. Most likely, they will be flattered and at least acknowledge your contact. 

7. Online chatting is also a conversation and should be treated as such. Conversation means that you don't hog the spotlight and you show interest in what the other person has to say. For example, you can make comments about a picture by saying it’s a nice setting. This leaves room for the other person to talk about where the picture was taken or something else about it, such as hiking if it’s one of a mountain.

Click for 9 more tips on how to date with success.

For books that can assist you with strategies to help heal your heart, date with success and enhance a new or current relationship, check out my series of three books, If You Want To Be Terrific, You Need To Be Specific.

Click here to purchase 50 Tips on How To  Heal  Your Heart

Click here to purchase 50 Tips on How To Date With Success

Click here to purchase 35 Tips on How To Enhance Your Relationship

Book Review: The Do-Over

I just read an excerpt from a new book, “The Do-Over" by Andrew Hessel.

I was strongly drawn to the title, for I call the story of my life The Do-Over, too. In fact, it’s the title of the first chapter in my book, Love After Loss: Writing the Rest of Your Story and you can read a little bit about my do-over by clicking here. 

In Hessel's book, a sophomore in college is set to return home for summer vacation and upon her arrival she finds her mother, father and sister murdered in their home. She barely escapes the same fate and manages to recover after an extended hospital stay. As her body repairs itself, she floats in an unconscious state and is visited by The Guardian, a being who tells her that she has been chosen to have a second chance – to go back in time and change the course of the future. 

Upon awakening, she’s not sure if this conversation was real or a dream. As she is set to leave the hospital and fully functioning, The Guardian revisits her and there is no denying she has been given a gift. Of course, there are rules to obey in order to accomplish her do-over. She simply can’t go back and interrupt the murder to save her parents. She must go back to the root of this calamity and make the appropriate corrections. In this case, it is going back to the abusive childhood of the murderer. The excerpt stopped at this point, but I’m anxious to know what happens. 

So, here is my question to you… 

For those who have lost a partner to death or for those who had a relationship that started with loving intentions and later turned sour, would YOU want to go back and have a do-over and change the course of your personal history? 

On the surface, I believe anyone would answer “Yes!” However, I don’t think it’s that easy because you have to determine the root or the why an event occurred and then deal with undetermined ramifications. 

Let’s say your husband died of lung cancer. He may have been a smoker or his only job opportunity was in a factory or a mine whose environment was conducive to developing lung cancer. There would be hard decisions and changes to be made. I think it would be hard to convince a healthy young man not to take the only job available because you tell him that he was going to develop lung cancer 40 years down the road (and I’m pretty sure one of the rules is that you couldn’t tell him what you know). 

You would have to decide to change your life, too, and probably make sacrifices along the way in order to produce a different result. And, would you be willing to do that? In retrospect, the answer is probably yes, but, in the moment, the answer is possibly not as easy to determine or crystal clear.

In the case of a murder, you would have to change the life of the murderer (as in Hessel's book), or in the case of a suicide, the root may be very difficult to determine or be a myriad of circumstances. 

The thing you have to remember is that when you change (even) one thing, it creates a cascade of events with a new result that may be different than the first but not necessarily better or the one for which you hoped. Each individual has his own free will and, try as hard as you might, you can really only be in charge of your actions and not dictate how others will react.

So, on the surface, it seems like a wonderful opportunity to be able to go back to prevent tragedy from befalling you. On the other hand, sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for because it might have unexpected results. 

To tell you the truth, I think producing and experiencing a personal do-over is best accomplished as you move forward and make beneficial changes in your life.  

It’s a nice fantasy, though, to think you could time travel and avoid the loss of a loved one. And although life is not a fantasy, it is possible to create magic in yours by using your own free will to accomplish great things, find love and be loved.

I do think it is a great premise for a book, though. If you're interested, you can download and read the excerpt here.

12 Fun Facts About Dating

Here are 12 random facts about dating that I found interesting. Hope you do, too!

1. According to member statistics at Match.com, 44% of its members in the U.S. have children. Additionally, 92% of single parents would rather date other single parents. (Janis Spindel, matchmaker) 

2. If men are having a difficult time deciding what to wear on a date, they might want to choose something blue. Studies show that women are attracted to men in blue. (from “How To Pick Up, Seduce, and Hook Up With Hot Women”) 

3. Here’s a statistic from N.C. Warren in “Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons.” 33% of online daters form a relationship; 33% do not; and 33% give up. 

4. Mirroring, or repeating someone’s body language, often impresses a date because it subtly conveys interest to the other person, although copying every move is a little bit over the top. (from “Flirtology: Over 100 Ways To Release Your Inner Flirt”) 

5. Choosing exciting places for a first date increases the chances of the other person falling for you. There is a definitive link between danger and physical and/or romantic attraction.(from “Flirtology: Over 100 Ways To Release Your Inner Flirt”) 

6. Worst places to go on first date include fast-food restaurants, your kids’ birthday party or school play, your parents’ house, strip clubs, X-rated films or swingers parties, a party where your ex will be, church activities, or window shopping. (from “Flirtology: Over 100 Ways To Release Your Inner Flirt”) 

Offering you the world.

7. In American society, when a man offers his date his palm face up, he is most likely deeply attracted to the woman. In fact, a human’s brain is wired to respond to hand gestures and hand shapes, though the brain’s response depends on the man or woman’s culture and ethnicity. (Steve Santagati, in “The MANual”)

8. Body language studies show that revealing areas of the body that aren’t usually on display (such as the inner wrist, the inside of the upper arm, ankles, feet, inside calf muscle, and the nape of the neck) has an immediate effect on a date and shows an instant liking. (from “Flirtology: Over 100 Ways To Release Your Inner Flirt”) 

9. Depending on the type of women a man would like to meet, he should visit that type of clothing store. For example, if a man likes “outdoorsy” women, he should go to an outdoor clothing store. (Steve Santagati, in “The MANual”) 

10. Men, here’s how to read a woman’s body language. If a woman is interested in her date, she will often smile at his jokes, play with her hair, fidget with an object such as a glass, blush when he pays her a compliment, pout or pucker her mouth, stumble over words, or lean in towards him. Signs that a woman is not interested in her date include avoiding eye contact, faking a smile or not smiling, leaning away, answering in monosyllables, sagging her shoulders, looking at her watch, tapping her foot, or staring blankly. (Victoria Zdrock in “How To Pick Up, Seduce, and Hook Up With Hot Women”) 

11. If a group of women are standing together but their eyes are wandering, they are likely to be looking for guys. If they each take a turn to break away from the group to head to the bathroom alone, they are on the prowl. If they are huddled together giggling, they are usually not interested in finding men. (Dushan Zaricc and Jason Kosmos in "You Didn’t Hear It From Us: Two Bartenders Serve Women the Truth about Men, Making an Impression, and Getting What You Want") 

12. Dating specialists suggest that if a woman doesn’t return a call after two messages, she is not interested. (Victoria Zdrock in “How To Pick Up, Seduce, and Hook Up With Hot Women”)

Of course, as with all things, use your own discernment on which of these "facts" you believe and incorporate into your life.

Relationships 101

There’s no shortage of books on how to find the partner of your dreams and how to have a good relationship. I, myself, am guilty of writing many books on this subject. 

Each author believes he or she has “the answer.” In truth, there are many answers because what may work for one person may not work for another. I suggest you treat the array of advice as a smorgesboard and choose the pieces that fit with your life and your circumstances. 

That said, what do you think is at the root of the myriad of problems encountered in the course of a relationship? 

In my book on teen pregnancy prevention, I put forth the idea that at the root of the problem is that children aren’t taught relationship basics. With so many broken families, there is a lack of role models for both boys and girls, and children don’t get to observe how a loving relationship works. Often children go looking to fill the void left by the missing parent. However, they haven’t observed or been taught about love so, very often, they confuse physical contact with real love. 

I believe society is missing the boat by not teaching “Relationships 101” at the middle school level. It is here, and even earlier, that misconceptions begin about love, relationships, bad boys, good guys, etc. 

This might be an extreme example, but compare this to the situation in the Middle East where children are taught to be suicide bombers as a way of showing allegiance to a higher power and to strike against those who hold a different belief system. Just as it’s imperative to educate the youth of the world so these ways of thinking will not be perpetuated, it’s also important to correct misconceptions about all that a relationship entails. 

Girls and boys need to be taught what is acceptable and appropriate behavior, for example, the idea of “control” has no place in a healthy relationship. Accordingly, trying to change someone into who you think you want him/her to be is a relationship killer. That's not to say you don't compromise with each other. 

Couples naturally tend to start acting like each other anyway, if they have a healthy relationship. The question to ask is, "If you want to change someone so much, then why are you with him/her in the first place?"   

Truthfully, I think one way to have a good relationship is to close your eyes half the time. It's hard to live with someone else, even if you love them to pieces. We all have different ways of doing things, and if you were with your clone, one of you would be unnecessary! 

I say keep the good stuff in the forefront of your brain and let the rest fall away. You have to fall in love with your partner EVERY DAY! 

And, if you're still looking for love, I urge you to look for it in the right ways so you can find the right person. It gets me upset when I hear many women lament that there are no nice guys out there. I say that it's possible they have done a good job at pushing the nice ones away by dismissing them for their lack of looks, money, risk taking attitude, or some other reason. 

This is part of my mission with my books and speaking engagements. I hope to teach people about relationship tenets. Really, my basic theory is pretty simple: you just need to be nice to each other. Nice, although a benign word, goes a really long way in every day life!

The Shift in Gender Roles

The way a pendulum swings back and forth and eventually comes to rest in a neutral position is reflective of how both individuals process their emotions as well as how society reacts to new ideas. 

For example, look at the issue of women’s equality, specifically in regard to relationships. Not so long ago, women used to be regarded as chattel – mere property that was owned by a husband. She did as she was told and had no rights to speak of, in or out of the house. 

Women eventually rebelled and gained more freedoms, such as the right to vote. They started attending college on a regular basis and becoming a force to be reckoned with in the workplace. In general, gender roles started to be less clear cut and more confusing, and this was reflected in the relationship arena, too. 

While once women had limited options so they stayed in loveless, unfulfilling or abusive marriages, they now were able to support themselves and the divorce proceedings initiated by women started to increase. 

The balance of power was shifting. Whenever freedoms once denied are experienced, the pendulum tends to swing wide with emotion to one side until the freedoms are tempered with common sense. 

Here’s the problem. The pendulum hasn’t come to the middle yet. Both women and men are still confused by what will actually bring them, if not happiness, at least contentment with their lives. 

Women want BOTH to be independent and in charge AND taken care of by a man. Add in the survival instinct that all humans have imprinted in their DNA of women wanting strong men that offer protection and men seeking out women of an age with whom they can procreate, and we are at the mercy of our primal instincts. 

It seems as if no matter how you slice it, many remain unhappy, wanting their cake and to eat it, too. No wonder the divorce rate is so high! 

So, can you have a relationship where you are both the care-giver and the care-taker? You can, if you don’t get caught up in a power struggle and an overriding need to always be right or to feel as if you have won. Additionally, you must remember that giving and receiving are simply two sides of the same coin, so when you give to your partner, you’re also receiving and vice versa. Lastly, in a relationship, the “balance of power” is always shifting according to the particular circumstances encountered. It is unlikely that a relationship can always remain at 50/50, although it is the striving to reach there that makes up the days of your life. Learn to enjoy each of the days that you're granted. Good and bad, struggle and triumph, even winning and losing -- each of these circumstances,  while reflecting the natural duality of the world, allows you to experience the wholeness of life.