Tips for Healthy Relationships

Amy Poehler said: "I want to be around people that do things. I don't want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people who dream and support and do things."

Negative people focus on what’s wrong and complain. Positive people may focus on a problem but then think of ways to turn it around. 

With whom are YOU spending your time and is it impacting your vision of yourself and the world around you? 

Sshh! Never fail to know that, if you are doing all the talking, you are boring someone. 

Conversation is a two-way street. Think of it like a volleyball game. It’s the job of the participants to keep the ball up in the air and transfer control back and forth. Additionally, sometimes it’s your turn to serve (be in charge) and, at other times, you must cede control to the other team.  

Tom Arnold said, "It’s easy to enjoy each other while on vacation in Maui. The key is find someone you can have fun with during the six hour fight over there."

Big events such as celebrations and vacations are terrific. However, life is lived and love is expanded in all the little mundane moments. Don’t let any moments (big or small) pass you by without feeling grateful for being able to share your life with your partner. 

Check out my roster of books on dating, love and relationships, which are available via Amazon and/or Barnes and Noble.

Looking For Love In All The Right Places

You have worked long and hard on yourself and accepting your present circumstances. You now have a clearer picture of your new single self. You have also assessed your readiness and determined that, although you are fine with the possibility of being alone, you rather look for a new partner with whom to share your life. 

NOW WHAT? 

Due to what you have heard from others, you might be a little hesitant to jump into the dating pool. Don’t worry about what others are saying. Your experience will be unique and your success or failure will be based on the attitude you hold throughout the process. Consider that the disgruntled remarks you may be hearing can simply be excuses people are making for themselves because they’re not finding success. You may want to take an objective look at their attitudes and the methods they’re employing to meet people. Rather than be turned off to dating, learn from their mistakes. 

If you’ve already “put yourself out there” and can’t seem to find quality prospective dates, consider changing your patterns. After all, doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results is insanity, as defined by Albert Einstein. 

Here are some suggestions on where to meet new people.

1. Frequent Different Places. Travel away from your beaten path by going to coffee places, bookstores, lectures, etc. in a different part of town than you normally would visit. Be the “new girl or guy” in town.

2. Join Groups or Volunteer. A great way to meet like-minded people is to join or volunteer for organizations you support. It’s a very natural way to meet others and it takes away the dating prowl tension. 

3. Be a political activist. No matter which presidential candidate you like this year, it’s a great time to get involved in supporting a political candidate. You will find lots of passionate folks working for the things in which they believe. 

4. Get a pet or borrow a baby. It’s hard to resist pets and babies. They are great conversation starters. 

Here are seven other venues to consider. 

1. Places of worship singles groups. (Find people of a similar faith.) 

2. Single Parent Associations (These are folks that are interested in learning about good parenting techniques.) 

3. Dining clubs. (Worst case scenario: you eat a good meal.) 

4. Golf courses/Tennis clubs (In case you don’t meet anyone, at least you’ll get some exercise.) 

5. Networking groups (Good chance these folks have jobs or they wouldn’t be networking.) 

6. Single cruises/vacation packages (Meet people who like to travel or are adventurous.) 

7. Dancing clubs (Meet those who like to “shake it up” vs. remaining a couch potato.)

The truth is that you can meet prospective dates in any venue. The important thing to remember is that you need to just get out there and make yourself visible.

10 Tips on How To Pick Up Women The Right Way

When you spot a woman to whom you feel an attraction, what’s your first thought and, subsequently, your first move? 

Do you turn away due to a fear of rejection or, worse yet, approach her with a tired pick-up line like the one Joey used on the television show “Friends”?  

Both of the preceding are bad ideas and they will not encourage a positive response from a woman. Approaching people with whom you desire to start a conversation is really all about exhibiting a confident demeanor (even if you’re shaking in your boots inside!). 

Here are 10 tips that can enhance your success ratio. 

1. Smile. A smile is your most attractive quality. It allows you to seem accessible, friendly and non-threatening. 

2. Stand up straight. Poor posture and shuffling as you approach creates an aura of negativity and can be indicative of poor self-esteem. 

3. Show your confidence. One way this can be illustrated is by not being hesitant in your actions. Know what (and who) you want. Rather than taking multiple sneak peeks and then pretending you weren’t doing so, approach a woman soon after you notice her. 

4. Maintain eye contact. If you manage to start a conversation with a woman, pay attention to her. Don’t let your eyes wander to see if there is someone better on the horizon. 

5. Be a gentleman. Be courteous while using please and thank you. If it’s applicable, hold out a chair for a woman or open a door. 

6. It’s not so much what you say but how you say it. You can say the same thing in two different tones of voice, and the recipient will get a different message each time. Be aware of the modulation of your voice. Don’t let it be too booming in an enclosed area or too wimpy in a noisy arena. 

7. Body language also plays a big part in how a message is received. Make sure not to take a threatening stance. Don’t be too close a talker, such as the character in the Seinfeld episode about this matter. Learn to respect a person’s boundaries, for leaning in too close to a person you just met makes most very uncomfortable as you impinge on their space. 

8. Use your active listening skills. Don’t play out a conversation in your head with pre-thought out lines. Remain in the moment, pay attention to what a woman is saying and make sure to respond appropriately. 

9. Don’t go too fast. If you seem overeager, you may frighten a prospective date away. Strike a balance between being interested in pursuing further contact and acting like a stalker! 

10. If all else fails, don’t worry about being interesting. Simply be interested in the person to whom you are speaking. 

To learn more about dating, check out my book, “Understanding Dating and Relationships From A to Z.”  Click here to purchase.

Read the Introduction and an excerpt here. 

For more tips on how to date with success, click here.

Being Subservient

Within a few weeks of the commencement of our dating, my husband-to-be made, what I thought at the time, an outrageous statement – one that made me wonder whether this was the guy for me.

He said, "I believe a partner should be subservient."

Wanting to make sure I heard and understood him correctly, I queried, "You think that I should be subservient to you?" To which he answered, "Yes."

I looked at him in astonishment while I was thinking, "From what century is this guy?" However, since I didn't know him very well yet, I thought I would try to understand his line of thinking.

With a twinkle in his eye, he continued on. "Not only should you be subservient to me, but I should be subservient to you." Now, I thought, we seemed to be getting somewhere! Slave boy – hmmm – that could be interesting!

Seriously, though, I thought it necessary for him to define his terms. If I went according to Webster's definition of subservient, which is behavior that is characterized by extreme compliance, abject obedience, or an exaggerated deference of manner, then our budding relationship couldn't end soon enough for me!

He went on to explain that he meant it in the mildest of terms. He believed that if we each put the other's best interests first, then we, in essence, would be making ourselves subservient to each other. And although I didn't care for the usage of the word "subservient" (for to me it brought up negative images), his beliefs were not far removed from my own.

If you consider that one of the tenets of a successful relationship is for each partner to put his or her own every desire on hold for the good of the relationship, then the concept of subservience is practiced every day by couples.

Moreover, if you accept that everything in life is dual in nature, then included in that broad statement is how we perceive situations – and words too. On first hearing, usually "being subservient" holds a negative connotation; however, there are also positive usages of that term – some of which include:

1.  Being polite – even when faced with negative behavior

2.  Not making your partner wrong – even when you disagree (agreeing to disagree)

3.  Listening to opposing viewpoints with an open heart and mind

4.  Painting the picture of your partner into the landscape of your life – wherever you are and whatever you may be doing

5. Completing tasks you rather not do simply because it will assist your partner and/or relieve his/her stress

In general, if we can take a giant step back and remove the emotional charge normally associated with strong words, it allows us to reach neutral. It is from this place of neutrality where we can look at both the positive and negative aspects of these words/concepts.

Keep in mind, reaching neutral does not mean negating your initial emotions. For example, I was quite taken aback when my husband-to-be suggested we each be subservient, and I allowed myself to react and feel that emotion. However, I was also open to listening to an explanation and this brought me to a neutral place where I could release the emotional charge I associated with the term. In this calm state of mind, I could hear his explanation and come to understand his belief system.