2013 Holiday Sale On Books

When I started dating and the relationship became serious, my younger son questioned me: “How can I love Mr. X and still love my dad?”  I explained to my son that just because he was letting someone new into his heart, it didn’t mean he had to kick out any of the current residents. This allowed him to release his guilt about dishonoring his dad by loving someone new.

The truth is that the heart is an ever-expanding organ. There’s no set limit on how many people you can love. Let’s also remember that all love is unique to the particular relationship, so one doesn’t replace the other.

How to find love after loss (and all the confusing emotions that go alone with that) happens to be my area of specialty. If you need some coaching or want to read self-help books on this subject, please visit me on my website at http://www.LNGerst.com and click here to join me on Facebook for daily tips and thoughts about love, dating and the tenets of healthy relationships.

As a holiday special, I'm offering a deep discount on three of my books in an e-book format (PDF format).

Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story
$5.00 (normally $9.99 for Kindle and $14.95 in paperback)

Suddenly Single: How To Find Renewal After Loss
$5.00 (normally $9.99 for Kindle and $15.95 for paperback

Words of Comfort To Pave Your Journey of Loss
$3.00 (normally $3.95 for Kindle and $8.99 for paperback)

To Purchase Click on the Appropriate Link. 
To assure that you will receive the book by e-mail, add the address from which it will be coming to your address book: LNGerst@LNGerst.com

Special Holiday Pricing

Love After Loss $5.00 USD Suddenly Single $5.00 USD Words of Comfort $3.00 USD

More books available on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

Review of Love After Loss

Diane Leifer said: A fabulous step-by-step guide on how to find love again after the loss of a partner from death, divorce or break-up. Ellen Gerst systematically guides you through the process of dealing with and healing from your loss, while clearly defining the necessary steps to take to find happiness in a new relationship. Her practical, concise writing style, combined with personal anecdotes, interesting quotes, poems and exercises creates a very uplifting and emotionally exciting read. I found the chapters on self-refection extremely valuable, as it's clearly the key to recognizing how you have changed now that you are newly single. Gaining this insight and understanding of the 'new you' is essential before you launch yourself into the world of dating. The book suggests that readers ask themselves many key questions, which can help clearly define what they are looking for in their next relationship, and then reflect upon the answers. This new sense of self plus understanding what is now important are the vital ingredients of finding a new relationship. There are a number of chapters on the 'Rules and Tools' of dating which include excellent information on how to systematically and successfully delve in to the process of on-line dating. Ellen teaches the reader the 'new rules' on how to date and how to successfully build a relationship when the right person does appear. While the relationship may not look anything like you had imagined it would, your fresh understanding of your newly evolved 'self' has broadened your horizons and allowed happiness to return. Ellen Gerst gives you the confidence to get in touch with what is truly important to you with humor, introspection and a truly personal touch. I highly recommend "Love After Loss," as an excellent guide for those who are seriously interested in finding and developing a new relationship.

Reviews of Words of Comfort

Audrey Pellicano said: As a widow and a Grief Recovery Specialist, I found Ellen's latest work to be clear and true to it's title. Ellen shares her deepest emotions and offers a guide to anyone lost in grief after the death of a loved one. She dispels some of the myths around grief and offers words of comfort and tools to apply to your life as you go forward on your grief journey. She truly offers words of wisdom to those in need. I will recommend "Words of Comfort to Pave Your Journey of Loss" to my widowed clients.

Ellen Kamp of The W Connection said: Ellen Gerst has written a sensitive and practical guide about adapting to the realities of widowhood. She addresses many of the challenges that widows deal with and provides her own experiences as guideposts for navigating these challenges. It is easy to read and is a book that one can go back to over and over again for advice. As the President and Co-founder of a non profit organization dedicated to helping widows rebuild their lives, The W Connection, I have already recommended this book to a member looking for ways to get "unstuck". I highly recommend this book to widows as well as the non-widowed.

Practice Makes Perfect

I'm a big proponent of practice dating ... that is, dating without intention. 

When you first step into the dating pool, you may be feeling a bit intimidated or nervous. Saying YES! to all who ask you out can help you to become more comfortable in your dating skin as you hone your vision of the type of person for whom you are looking.

Posted below is a very short video on this subject.

The Chemistry of Relationships

Chemistry: a branch of physical science, the study of the composition, properties and behavior of matter. Chemistry is concerned with atoms and their interactions with other atoms, and particularly with the properties of chemical bonds. 

When it comes to dating, chemistry is an often discussed topic, and many make the decision to pursue a relationship based on whether they feel it or not. But, let’s take a closer look at chemistry and what it really means. 

If you accept the premise that every item in the universe is comprised of energy – of positive and negative charges in constant motion – that means humans are beings of energy, too. Moreover, according to the definition at the top of the article, that makes all our interactions chemical reactions, for chemistry is the study of the behavior of matter (or how atoms interact with other atoms). 

The fact that there are positive and negative charges reflects the natural duality of the world, and, as such, a chemical reaction can have a positive or a negative effect. 

For example, take the statement, “We have chemistry!” 

This can mean that the sparks were flying when you first met someone. However, were these sparks igniting feels of lust/love OR was there such friction that you rubbed each other the wrong way? 

Personally, I think the idea of chemistry at the outset of a relationship is highly overrated. Of course, you want to be attracted to someone, but sometimes that takes more than one meeting. Furthermore, isn’t it true that once you get to know and like/love someone that you are attracted to their beautiful “insides” more than their less-than-perfect “outsides”? 

Getting to know someone inside out is what relationship development is all about, and that is what creates a real and lasting chemical reaction. 

Here are some of my favorite quotes about chemistry in regard to relationships.

Have You Turned Your Intention OR Your Attention on Finding Love?

Whether you are looking to find love or working towards attaining another of your goals, it is important to examine and understand the difference between attention and intention.

ATTENTION can energize your body, for good and bad. On whatever you focus your attention, the stronger it will become in your life. If you are stuck emotionally on being lonely, afraid, sick, or broke, and you focus all your attention on feeling sorry for yourself or angry at finding yourself in this place, you will only perpetuate these factors in your life. 

You can wish and desire all you want in order to move through these less than desirable circumstances, but that is not enough. Desire alone is weak because, in most people, it is simply attention connected to attachment. That is, you are attached to the outcome.

Instead, try focusing your attention on the present and practice not feeling lonely, afraid, penniless, etc. This will trigger your intention to NOT feel that way. 

INTENTION is what transforms your thoughts into reality. In order to accomplish this feat, you must first quiet your mind. Meditating is a good way to do this. It allows you to access your intentions/desires. As you affirm them, you release your intentions to the universe and create the energy to start the process of realizing your goals. 

Once the energy is set in motion, you can then let the universe decide HOW this process will be revealed to you – always keeping in mind that there is not always one path and one favorable outcome. In other words, try not to become attached to how you see it happening. Let yourself just know it will happen and be surprised at how it comes about!

You may want to think of attachment as blinders on a horse; it only lets you see and desire one outcome. You become so attached to the end result that you’re not aware of a world full of available possibilities. For example, you may miss a wonderful friendship, if you are only desirous of a love connection. You may be better off, if you don’t force “your” solution. Instead, step back and witness it emerge from chaos and confusion. It is when you are in a state of confusion that you will find yourself in a true state of grace, for it is here that "spirit" (or your inner guidance) can provide you with the answers you seek.

The preceding is an excerpt from my book, "Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story." It's available as a soft-cover, Kindle, or ebook in pdf format. 

Click here for soft-cover.

Click here for Kindle version.

Click here for ebook version.

Six Tips for Successful Relationships

I love what Kevin Anderson had to say about blogging:

"The bottom line is that blogging is like sex.

You can't fake it. You can't fake passion. 

You can't fake wanting to engage with the public. 

If you do, it will ultimately be an unsatisfying experience

for the blogger and their readers."

Today, I'm passionate about sharing my thoughts on love, dating and relationships. Here are six for your consideration.

1. The caption divulges the key to success in any endeavor you might undertake. You, too, can fly as free as a bird who has the ability to lift himself from undesirable circumstances and migrate to a place where the sun is always shining.

2. The following is an important key to building successful relationships, both personal and professional. You were given two ears and one mouth. Accordingly, listen twice as much as you talk.

3. No relationship is strife-free, but, as Robert H. Schuller said, "Problems are not stop signs; they are guidelines."

Don't let roadblocks stop you in your tracks. Find a "curvy" way (like the street sign captioned below) around issues that confront you. This new way, which veers off the straight road from A to B that you might be used to taking, might present interesting solutions and also allow you to connect with those you would not have normally met in your regular walk of life.

4. A bad attitude is like a blown light bulb that plunges you into darkness. You can’t even see what is right in front of you until you change it.  Check to see if your "light bulbs" are becoming dim, if not already blown out. If they are, make the change today!

Extrapolating that thought to dating ... if you think you are going to have a negative experience with dating or will never find anyone else to love and someone who will love you back, there's a good chance you will make that into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Changing your attitude towards any circumstance that confronts you is one of the first steps for moving through it with grace to reach eventual success. 

5. Henry David Thoreau said, "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them."

Accordingly, if you want to be partnered, visualize yourself in that situation. Be assured, this doesn't negate your capabilities to live fully as a single person. However, envisioning that there is room and an important place for a partner in your life opens up the space for him/her to walk in. Visualize your dreams first and then pull them into your everyday reality to bring them to fruition.

6. As you start to think about what you want to accomplish in the new year, remember that life is about participating. Don't sit on the sidelines or act like a wallflower. And if no one is asking you to dance at the moment, create your own opportunities to "dance." Your joy will shine through, making you attractive, and it will draw people to you.

I like the sentiment Lee Ann Womack expresses, and I echo it as my wish for you. She said, "When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance."

SPECIAL: DEEP DISCOUNTS AVAILABLE

Don't forget to check out my Holiday Sale on a selection of my books on both relationships and coping with grief. Click HERE to find out more.

The Best Relationship Advice

I met my first (and late) husband when I was a mere 15 years old and he 17. He was my first and only boyfriend, and we married five years later at the tender ages of 20 and 22.

Needless to say, I did not have much experience about how relationships worked. However, what I did have was a solid upbringing with an intact family and an inherent thirst for learning. I was a sponge and, as I watched how couples interacted with each other, I carefully chose the ideas that rang true to me and I incorporated them into my own life. I have lived my entire life by a principle that my then boyfriend made in an offhand comment … and it has served me very well. 

When I was 17, while I was visiting and staying at my boyfriend’s house, his older brother by twelve years was also visiting from out of state. As we sat around the breakfast table, his brother read the newspaper. One by one, he mentioned things his wife would like and he proceeded to cut out advertisements for clothing and blurbs about things to do in the city. My boyfriend remarked that he hoped that when we were married for as long as his brother and wife that we would still be acting and thinking like they did. 

I took this remark to heart and practiced it every day of our twenty year marriage. 

You may ask how did I put this concept into practice and how YOU can implement it in your life. Here are ten suggestions. 

1. You’ve both laid down in bed after a long and exhausting day. Your partner says, “I’m thirsty.” Despite your tiredness, you jump up and get him/her something to drink.

2. You paint your partner into the landscape of your life. Consequently, wherever you go, whatever you do, he/she is always with you. For example, when you’re in a bookstore, you notice books your partner might like; you buy a special treat at the grocery store; you smile when you see something you know your partner would like and can’t wait to tell him or her and so on. 

3. You do tasks you’d rather not do because you know that it will make your partner’s life easier. 

4. You go places your partner likes without resentment because you know he/she wants to share his/her passion with you. (and, of course, your partner does the same for you) 

5. You are always on the lookout for things/ideas that you know will delight your partner.

6. If your partner is tired and taking a nap, you will make sure the house remains quiet by turning off the phone (or at least quieting the ringer) and keeping kids occupied and quiet.

7. You offer to do a task that a mate usually does but is one he/she would rather not. For example, generally men do the driving when out as a couple. You might chauffeur your mate around and let him feel like a prince. 

8. Get up early and prepare a breakfast in bed treat. 

9. Take the kids out and give a mate a day for him or herself. 

10. Encourage your partner to pursue activities he/she enjoys, even if they don’t include you. Of course, this should be balanced with family and partner time. However, when a partner goes out into the world and pursues his/her passion, renewed energy, excitement and passion is brought back to the relationship. Think of it as the pause that refreshes!

These are not difficult things to do, but you must do them with a smile while knowing that you are making life easier, less stressful and more enjoyable for your partner. It's the little things like the preceding (that might even go unacknowledged) that add up to an overall feeling of contentedness in a relationship.

10 Ways To Have an A+ Date

Dating is supposed to be fun. If you don’t see it that way, you’re most likely facing disappointment before you even begin. 

As in every endeavor in life, attitude is of paramount importance. The universe is a giant mirror and whatever you project out will be reflected back to you. If you leave your house anticipating that your date will end badly then it most certainly will. Before embarking on your date, set your intention to have fun. Additionally, slap a smile on your face and project a warm and welcoming aura. These three things alone will exponentially increase the chances of having a successful date. 

Here are 10 more tips to help you succeed. 

 1. Be on time. This is simply a show of respect. Besides, no one likes to be kept waiting, especially if it’s the first time you’re meeting someone. Even if you’re a couple of minutes late, feelings of insecurity can set in and your date might feel like he/she is being stood up. This can set the tone for the entire evening, and it’s not a relaxed one. 

2. Keep your alcohol consumption in check. Even though you might be nervous and a drink will relax you, don’t consume more than one glass of alcohol. A drunk date is not an attractive date. Additionally, alcoholic beverages are expensive, and it’s not polite to have your date expend a lot of money on you, especially if this is a just get-to-know-you type of meeting. 

3. Offer to share the cost. To follow up on point #2, it’s also polite to share the cost of the evening. The offer doesn’t have to be accepted, but it’s a nice gesture and is indicative of your attitude about carrying your fair share in a relationship. 

4. Leave your prior relationships at home. A first date is not the time and place to rehash your entire life and talk about how an ex has done you wrong or how a late spouse was a saint with whom no one can compete. There certainly shouldn’t be any crying or ranting about past relationships. 

5. Clean up for your date. Again, this is a show of respect. Take time with your grooming and dress appropriately for the venue. 

6. Inquiring minds want to know, but don’t interrogate. A date is about having a conversation, which includes questions and answers. However, you can show an interest in what someone is saying without having it sound like a police interrogation. 

7. Be flexible. Go with the flow. Try something you’ve never tasted. Participate in an activity new to you, even if there is a chance it might be awkward. This is called being a good sport, and it will be noted and appreciated. 

8. Keep your sense of humor. The ability to laugh with each other and at yourself makes for a pleasant and relaxing atmosphere. Laughter encourages good feelings about the other person. 

9. Know when to end the date. Even if it’s love at first sight, don’t drag the date out forever. Let both parties leave with an urgency to see each other again. 

10. Let your feelings be known. No one is a mind reader and no one likes being rejected. If you liked someone and want to see him/her again, leave broad enough hints without cornering your date into making an on-the-spot decision whether he/she would like to continue the relationship. Send a text or an e-mail the next day to thank your date and let him/her know that you’re open to exploring the idea of getting to know each other. 

In conclusion, the way to have an A+ first date is make the meeting fun, easy and stress-free. Come to it free of expectations and then whatever the result, it will be a positive one. 

For more tips on dating and relationships, like the Love After Loss Facebook page. 

For more in depth tips and thoughts on love, dating and relationships, check out the selection of relationship books I’ve written. Books on other subjects, such as coping with grief, spirituality, the power of positive thought, how to build confidence, caregiving for aging parents, fitness and weight loss, social media for entrepreneurs and teen pregnancy prevention, may be found here. 

1. Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story 

2. Mastering The Art of Intimate Relationships

3. How To Find Your Happily Ever After: What To Do Before and After You Say "I Do"

4. Available Choices for Dating After 35+

5. 25 Tips and Thoughts on Love and Relationships 

6. Understanding Dating and Relationships From A to Z

7. Today Is The Day: A Dating Journey

If You Want To Be Terrific, You Need To Be Specific (series of 3 books) 
1. How To Heal Your Heart After A Relationship Has Ended 
2. How To Date With Success 
3. How To Enhance Your Relationship 

Dating Tips: Y is for You

While participating in the dating game, as well as in many other situations in life, it’s easy to have your feelings bruised. Most often, this happens when the words and actions of others are taken more personally than intended. 

Of course, in the midst of a personal interaction, it may be difficult to avoid feeling this way. 

Over the course of a dating career, you will meet lots of new people, each with their own agenda, and it is one they are probably NOT sharing with you during the first few interactions. Consequently, you have no idea what they are really thinking. 

While you may believe a date went swimmingly and the two of you are headed for a happily ever after, your date may be just looking for a good time. 

If you ass-u-me that your date is more interested than he really is and, thus, make an innocent remark about your future together, you can scare him away. Chances are he will disappear, never to be heard from again. You are left wondering what YOU did wrong. 

The truth is that you did nothing wrong because this incident wasn’t about you. It was about your date’s inability to express himself honestly and his fear of commitment.

If you encounter this scenario, or another similar one, don’t waste your energy beating yourself up or pine for this person to return. Just say NEXT! 

If you let every rejection or slight throw you off track, you will have a difficult time with the dating scene. Simply keep in mind that everything is not about you!

The preceding is an excerpt from my book, Understanding Dating and Relationships From A to Z, which is available via Amazon. Click on the title to see more about it.  Here are the other subjects covered in the book about which you can learn.

From A to Z: Ageist, Behaved Well, Cerebral, Deceptive, Egocentric, Fear, Genital Health, Hesitant, Imaginative, Juvenile, Knight in Shining Armor, Lust, Monopolizer, Noncommittal, Optimistic, Platinum Rule, Questioner, Rebound Relationship, Stymied, Tenacious, Uncompromising, Virgin (Born Again), Wary, eXcessive, You, Zero-Tolerance.

Culture, Accents and Attraction

The word ATTRACTION is often used when referring to prospective dates. Let’s examine what it means to be attracted to a person. 

According to Webster, attraction is defined as the following. 

1. The act, process or power of attracting 

2. Personal charm 

3. The action or power of drawing forth a response; an attractive quality 

4. Something that attracts or is intended to attract people by appealing to their desires and tastes 

 Attraction, often thought of as chemistry, is really the spark that inspires you to want to find out more about a person. 

Of course, after you get past the initial draw, there has to be some substance to the person for the relationship to morph into something meaningful. 

However, humans are a very visual species and most make quick decisions (although not always accurate) about a person upon a first viewing. 

There are lots of variables that can act as a catalyst for an initial attraction, including a person’s height, hair, personality, lifestyle, sense of humor or even that sexy foreign accent that indicates a cultural heritage different than your own. 

I was just introduced to a relatively new and free online dating site that caters to those who find people from different cultures captivating. If this interests you, visit the site at DatingMashup.com. 

DatingMashup.com says that exploring a relationship with someone who is from another country can be very attractive. Providing a sense of intrigue, it beckons you to discover your differences as well as your similarities. Be it an Aussie, Brit or an Irishman, some people just seem to be uncontrollably drawn to a foreign accent that makes them weak in the knees. 

The site features an international search engine that allows you to locate people from other countries that reside in your current city, as well as connect with those from the U.S. 

If you are looking for love, this is just one more option available to you.

Are You Too Busy To Look for Love?

Many say they would like to date in order to find a new life partner. However, in the next breath, they complain that they don’t have enough time to devote to the endeavor. 

Are these excuses put forth because of a fear of dating – both a fear of failure AND a fear of success? 

OR … do many feel so disorganized that there aren’t enough minutes in the day to accomplish the necessary tasks of living, let alone add dating into the mix? 

If time management is your issue, here are some seven helpful suggestions to get your life in order so that you can make some room to look for love. 

1. Know your priorities. By defining your goals, and then creating an Action Plan that moves you towards those goals, you will be able to stop wasting time on the things that distract you from moving closer to your desired outcomes. Each day, make a daily “To-Do” list, which defines the important tasks for you to complete that day. Of course, there are always emergencies which need attending, but don’t let them derail your journey towards your ultimate goal. 

2. Define your hours of power. Each person is different: some are most productive first thing in the morning and others are most creative in the wee hours of the night. Keep track of your own patterns to discover when you get the most work completed. Those are the hours to work on projects that require prolonged concentration. 

3. Avoid multi-tasking. Concentrate on one task at a time and then move onto the next one. Although multi-tasking seems like a good idea, it actually divides your attention and decreases your productivity. When you are able to focus your undivided attention to a task at hand, you can complete it with efficiency. Publius Syrus said, “To do two things at once is to do neither.” 

4. Create routines. Try to do the same tasks at the same time each day. For example, if you use Facebook for your business, create your posts at a set time. You can always schedule them for later, but now you don’t have to think about writing them throughout the day. Moreover, in this way, since you visit Facebook less often, it precludes you from being distracted by the postings of others and wasting valuable time. 

5. Be realistic with your time estimates. Most under-estimate how much time something will take. Consequently, don’t over-schedule yourself so that you short change everything and everyone, including yourself. 

6. Write it down. If a brilliant idea comes to you in the midst of a task, write down your idea so that you can revisit it at a later time. By taking a few moments to record your train of thought, you can then refocus on the current task vs. thinking about your new idea. 

7. Give yourself limits. Time is your most valuable commodity and it’s important not to squander it. However, it’s equally as important to set aside time to do nothing. Everyone needs to take a break in order to refresh and rejuvenate. Taking short breaks during the day; a day or two during the week; and one or two weeks each year for downtime allows you to address your work in more creative and productive manner.

For more time management tips, you can read the article I wrote for Always New You as a guest blogger for FizzNiche.
http://www.alwaysnewyou.com/balanced_you/time_management/save-minutes-to-save-hours-with-time-management-techniques.html

6 Ways To Cultivate The Culture of Your Relationship

According to Webster, the word culture is defined as follows. 

1. the act of developing the intellectual and moral faculties especially by education 

2. the set of shared attitudes, values, goals, and practices that characterizes an institution or organization 

3. the act or process of cultivating living material 

Just as you might experience a corporate culture in your professional life, your relationship also has a culture, which is developed (or cultured/cultivated) by the actions of the participants. 

Here are six ways to culture your culture so it becomes a healthy breeding ground for friendship, love, respect and honor. 

1. Choose well. This is the most important. Take the time to choose the right partner. Don’t rush into a relationship because you’re lonely or want to be rescued from the circumstances of your life. You must “rescue” yourself. Learn to be happy on your own and then seek a partner that can enhance your already wonderful life. 

2. Practice your communication skills. You were given two ears and one mouth. That should be your first tip-off that you should listen twice as much as you talk. Practice active listening instead of just waiting your turn to jump in and express your thoughts. 

3. Don’t let little annoyances fester. Oftentimes, if you find yourself continually clamping your mouth shut over a behavior that really sets you on edge. This little annoyance can turn into something bigger than it needs to be. Ask your partner if he or she would have time to discuss something. This way you’re not cornering him/her without any warning. When in a calm state of mind, discuss your grievance and provide alternative ways of handling the same issue. This turns a potential argument into a productive session where partners can reach a compromise. 

4. Find the balance between your personal and professional lives. Often, every part of your life demands attention and equal time. Unfortunately, there is no “equal” time. At times, you must devote all your energies to your job, for example, when you have a big presentation looming in front of you. Other times, you must forego work to attend your child’s athletic game or school performance. As with all circumstances in life, you need to get your priorities in order and decide which area will get your focus at what time. Family members need to be accommodating and flexible. If you’re a family unit, you have the same goals and each person needs to do his/her own job, which may include being a support person only. 

5. Honor your differences. I’m not a big fan of opposites being in a relationship because it seems to make everything twice as hard. However, I also don’t believe you need to be clones of each other either. With core values in common, along with a shared rhythm of life, each partner goes out into the world and brings back interesting information to share. Sometimes, one will be the teacher and the other the student, and, at other times, vice versa. Balance is all about shifting the focus back and forth, and this creates the days of your life. 

6. Learn from the past, focus on the present; keep an eye on the future. Rather than repeating ingrained patterns that have not served you well in the past, glean the lessons to make beneficial changes. Enjoy the present by living in gratitude for what you have vs. what you feel is missing. The act of always wanting more leads to discontentment in the present. While it’s important to keep an eye on the future and plan accordingly, the present is all we really have. Appreciate the one you’re with while you have the time to do so. Learn to love and accept your partner’s love unreservedly. That’s the answer to why we are here on Earth.

Book Review: The Do-Over

I just read an excerpt from a new book, “The Do-Over" by Andrew Hessel.

I was strongly drawn to the title, for I call the story of my life The Do-Over, too. In fact, it’s the title of the first chapter in my book, Love After Loss: Writing the Rest of Your Story and you can read a little bit about my do-over by clicking here. 

In Hessel's book, a sophomore in college is set to return home for summer vacation and upon her arrival she finds her mother, father and sister murdered in their home. She barely escapes the same fate and manages to recover after an extended hospital stay. As her body repairs itself, she floats in an unconscious state and is visited by The Guardian, a being who tells her that she has been chosen to have a second chance – to go back in time and change the course of the future. 

Upon awakening, she’s not sure if this conversation was real or a dream. As she is set to leave the hospital and fully functioning, The Guardian revisits her and there is no denying she has been given a gift. Of course, there are rules to obey in order to accomplish her do-over. She simply can’t go back and interrupt the murder to save her parents. She must go back to the root of this calamity and make the appropriate corrections. In this case, it is going back to the abusive childhood of the murderer. The excerpt stopped at this point, but I’m anxious to know what happens. 

So, here is my question to you… 

For those who have lost a partner to death or for those who had a relationship that started with loving intentions and later turned sour, would YOU want to go back and have a do-over and change the course of your personal history? 

On the surface, I believe anyone would answer “Yes!” However, I don’t think it’s that easy because you have to determine the root or the why an event occurred and then deal with undetermined ramifications. 

Let’s say your husband died of lung cancer. He may have been a smoker or his only job opportunity was in a factory or a mine whose environment was conducive to developing lung cancer. There would be hard decisions and changes to be made. I think it would be hard to convince a healthy young man not to take the only job available because you tell him that he was going to develop lung cancer 40 years down the road (and I’m pretty sure one of the rules is that you couldn’t tell him what you know). 

You would have to decide to change your life, too, and probably make sacrifices along the way in order to produce a different result. And, would you be willing to do that? In retrospect, the answer is probably yes, but, in the moment, the answer is possibly not as easy to determine or crystal clear.

In the case of a murder, you would have to change the life of the murderer (as in Hessel's book), or in the case of a suicide, the root may be very difficult to determine or be a myriad of circumstances. 

The thing you have to remember is that when you change (even) one thing, it creates a cascade of events with a new result that may be different than the first but not necessarily better or the one for which you hoped. Each individual has his own free will and, try as hard as you might, you can really only be in charge of your actions and not dictate how others will react.

So, on the surface, it seems like a wonderful opportunity to be able to go back to prevent tragedy from befalling you. On the other hand, sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for because it might have unexpected results. 

To tell you the truth, I think producing and experiencing a personal do-over is best accomplished as you move forward and make beneficial changes in your life.  

It’s a nice fantasy, though, to think you could time travel and avoid the loss of a loved one. And although life is not a fantasy, it is possible to create magic in yours by using your own free will to accomplish great things, find love and be loved.

I do think it is a great premise for a book, though. If you're interested, you can download and read the excerpt here.