7 Tips for Negotiating Conflict

Definition: Ne-go-ti-ate: to confer with another so as to arrive at the settlement of some matter; to deal with (some matter or affair that requires ability for its successful handling); to arrange or bring about through conference, discussion and compromise 

John Donne wrote the famous meditation No Man is an Island in which he illustrates how each of us are impacted by the actions of others. Consequently, each time one man “dies a little death” so we, too, feel his pain. If you can keep this concept in mind while negotiating conflict with a partner, you will understand that when one of you loses, you both lose, and when one of you wins, you both win. 

Let’s review 7 principles and techniques to utilize for a “winning” negotiation that can resolve conflict in a way that can be satisfactory for both parties. 

 "Let us never negotiate out of fear. 

 But, let us never fear to negotiate." 

                                                         ~John F. Kennedy 

1. Choose your desired outcome before you start. Determine your ideal outcome, as well as the points on which you’re willing to be flexible. Knowing where you want to go and what you want to achieve BEFORE you start allows you to avoid making snap decisions you may regret. Follow Karl Albrecht's rule, who said: “Start out with an ideal and end up with a deal.” 

2. Know and understand to whom you are speaking. You know your partner’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as where all the “buttons” reside. Use this information to your benefit and steer clear of issues that you know will create a firestorm. If you can’t avoid them, at least approach them in a non-accusatory manner. 

3. Don’t devalue yourself. Your contribution to the partnership is important, even if it may not look equal on the outside, for example, if one of you is a stay-at-home parent and the other is the breadwinner. Without support on the home front, the breadwinner would not be able to be as successful, for his/her focus would be split and scattered. Everyone has an important job to do and so each partner has an equal say/vote. Inspire confidence in your abilities by presenting clear, well-thought-out proposals. 

4. Listen twice as much as you talk. We were all born with two ears and one mouth for a reason! Rather than being anxious to state your case, practice active listening when your partner presents his/her side. You can pick up valuable clues that can lead to an easy resolution. 

5. Be a positive force. Robert Estabrook said, “He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of a diplomat.” Thus, enter your negotiations with the expectation that it can be resolved amicably, even if you have to agree to disagree. An optimistic outlook can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, just as a negative one can become one too. Choose to succeed! 

6. Never threaten or make ultimatums. Don’t become emotionally attached to your solution; it may not be the best way. One sure way for negotiations to break down is uttering the statement, “It’s my way or the highway.” This accomplishes nothing except building a bigger wall between you and your partner. Remaining calm and patient, even if your partner is reaching a boiling point, can help to rein in the conversation to a manageable proportion. Joseph Joubert said, “Never cut what you can untie.” 

7. Don’t focus on winning. It’s important for both parties to feel satisfied about the decided upon course of action. This most probably will involve some compromise, but that’s the name of good partnering. You want to leave a negotiation with both parties feeling good about the situation AND about each other (and his/her ability to work together). Henry Boyle said, “The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people half way.”

If you are having difficulty negotiating conflict with your partner, you may be interested in my book: How To Find Your Happily Ever After: What To Do Before and After You Say I Do. The book gives practical advice on how to build a healthy and successful relationship; how to communicate with your partner; how to navigate conflict; how to enhance your relationship; and how to avoid becoming a divorce statistic ... all for only $1.99 on Amazon. Click here to purchase.

10 Tips on How To Live Happily Ever After

Remember that childhood chant …”First comes love, then comes marriage …”? It implied that there would be a happily ever after, and a lot of us bought into that sentiment!

The reality is that life is neither a fairytale nor is it all hearts and flowers. It can be, however, a loving, safe and nurturing place, if the partners persistently take the proper care to keep it that way.

Naturally, you want to marry Mr. or Miss Right, who is someone with whom you have much in common and to whom you feel a special connection. As time goes by, though, that “right” person has to continue to do the “right” things within the relationship to keep it alive and vibrant.

How does one stay Mr. or Miss Right? Here are 10 tips to keep you on the ‘right’ path.

1. Remember that marriage is a choice, and you have the power to choose to be happy or to be miserable in your union. If you feel stuck, dig yourself out by recognizing and dealing with your issues. Be neither a victim nor an enabler of your partner. Your life; your choice.

2. Don’t avoid conflict. It is not inherently bad. In fact, it’s how humans share their differences. It’s only how you choose to address conflict in your relationship that can make it a growth experience or a debacle.

3. Be grateful. Look for ways to show your love and be willing to accept your partner’s shows of affection (even if it is not in the way you want it or expect it).

4. Always paint your partner into the landscape of your life. Wherever you go and whatever you are doing – carry your partner with you. In this way, you are sharing your life even when you’re apart. This raises the importance of your partner in your thoughts.

5. Shun complacency. Relationships require work, for they should always be a work-in-progress. That means as each individual changes so must the relationship adapt and change, too. You wouldn’t want to operate equipment with old or wrong instructions. Similarly, you don’t want to operate your relationship with instructions that no longer apply.

6. Don’t hold grudges. This means when you are heatedly discussing Topic X, don’t bring in baggage from Topic Y that happened years ago. If you don’t release your grudges, you will have the same argument (without ever resolving it) throughout your relationship.

7. Don’t nag. Of course, you can make a polite request of your partner, but nagging (which you may think is only reminding) won't get it done any faster. In fact, it might have the opposite effect as all your partner hears after the first time is "blah, blah, blah."  Try asking for help rather than demanding or uttering the statement, "You never help around the house." Superlatives such as never and always are fighting words, for they are both improbable.

8. Keep intimacy alive – both the emotional and physical type. Withholding sex will only fuel the fires of discontent. Conversely, engaging in sex (even if you’re not in the mood or predisposed because of conflict), can help to clear the air by letting you reconnect with your partner on a visceral level. Sex naturally opens up the doors to positive communication.

9. Discuss your finances and your approach to financial management ahead of your union.  Make an active plan in which both partners have a say. If you remain passive in this area, there is no room for complaints down the road.

10. Take care of yourself and create boundaries. This is not a selfish act. If you are not good to yourself, you cannot be good to others. When you’ve had “Me Time” then you feel refreshed and able to cope with the ups and downs that all relationships experience.

It's your move!
Make it one towards building a happily ever after.