Can Separate Bedrooms Save A Relationship?

As much as you may like to snuggle up with your honey, it is also important to get a good night’s sleep so you can address each day refreshed and renewed. Sometimes that is just not possible when your partner is sawing logs all night! In truth, a great majority of people snore, although no one likes to admit it!

Maclean’s, a Canadian magazine, reports, “That steam engine in your bed is bad for your health, worse for your marriage.” A lack of a good night’s sleep is often responsible for grumpiness, a short temper and an argumentative temperament – all characteristics of trouble in paradise.

So, even though you may be hesitant to have separate bedrooms because you believe it will mean the demise of romance, it can have just the opposite effect. When you wake up after a good night’s sleep, you are better able to cope with all that confronts you, including possible conflict with a partner. Accordingly, a sleep deprived person may take offense at every word, while a rested person can pick his or her battles well.

Think of separate bedrooms as simply meaning that there is a bed set up in another room where one or the other of you can retreat when a partner’s snoring keeps you up. This still allows for romance. You can start the evening together, be intimate, indulge in pillow talk, and fall asleep in one another’s arms. However, it will also allow you to get your needed rest.

In fact, all the rage in Hollywood and other upscale communities is the snoratorium, which is a small but comfortable room adjacent to the master suite. It's like a nursery for adults! It is a place where the noisier sleeper can retreat, giving both parties the opportunity for a restful sleep. Mark Nash, author of 1001 Tips for Buying and Selling a Home, suggests that the perfect snoratorium should be fitted with a double bed to encourage occasional visits from a compassionate spouse.

Additionally, although it may not be labeled a snoratorium, according to the U.S. National Association of Home Builders, by the year 2015, 60% of new upscale homes will be built with dual master bedrooms.

So, as it seems, you may not be the only one who is snoring up a storm tonight!

And for those of you who are not yet in a relationship but are dating and headed towards a first sleepover, are you excited yet hesitant because of your sleeping habits? One woman stated, “I am dreading meeting a new guy. When he stays over, he’s going to find my snoring such a turn off.” (Maclean’s) 

Don’t let this be a stumbling block for you. If you find yourself in this predicament, you can broach the subject in a light hearted manner. On the other hand, do you really think it will be an issue the first time you are intimate with a partner? After all, how much “sleeping” is going to be going on!!

Finding Love After Loss: How To Flirt

Webster's Definition: to behave amorously without serious intent; 

to show superficial or casual interest or liking

Flirtation: attention without intention

~Max O'Rell, John Bull and His Island

Flirting can be considered both a sport and an art as witty repartee is tossed back and forth. Most times it is harmless, for it keeps emotional intimacy out of the equation. It is great practice for those fine-tuning their "dating legs" after a long hiatus.

Here are some key elements of flirting.

1. Smile. This is the most important ingredient. A smile can light up your face, but make sure to smile with your eyes as well as your lips for the full effect. It is beckoning to others, for they will find you open and approachable.

2. Maintain eye contact. Hone in on your target, although extended staring is sort of creepy. When you speak to someone, do not let your eyes wander to see if there is anything better out there.

3. Be brave. Say hello first. This brave gesture will be appreciated and rewarded, especially from the more shy who may have wanted to make the first move but couldn't muster up the courage to do so.

4. Speak little and hear much. You don't have to be a great conversationalist to flirt. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Get the ball rolling and then just listen!

5. Exude self-confidence. Be confident without being condescending. Confidence and positive attitude go hand-in-hand.

6. Be inclusive vs exclusive. Be an equal opportunity flirter -- that is, flirt with those to whom you may not be first attracted, too. Once the conversation starts going, you may rethink your position.

7. Have fun with flirting. It should be light-hearted and good spirited banter. Everyone should leave with good feelings.

8. Utilize a conversation starter. If you have a hard time initiating the flirt, use a prop. Kids and dogs always encourage conversation. For women, you could try Hair Shimmers; they are a great conversation magnet! The bottom line ... all you need is something that will encourage others to approach you.

Now, go get your flirt on and have some fun!!

Finding Love After Loss: Follow Your Toes!

This blog, which supports my book, Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story, is aimed at helping one to discover his or her own truths – to assess one's current reality while releasing attachments to the past in order to pick up the pen and start writing a new chapter in the book of one's life.  

Finding Love After Loss is not simply a romantic designation, but it refers to a wider stance – that of reawakening one's senses to the full wonder of the world. With this newfound sense of appreciation, one can decide which path to follow.

And how do we walk these pathways? On our feet, of course! The feet, and the toes, can actually tell the story of your life, for they store the physical, emotional and spiritual experiences we encounter during our walk on this planet.

Toe reading has its roots in the study of reflexology and is based on the belief that our experiences are recorded by the shape, direction and color of our toes, including our toe nails. It also incorporates principles used in the practice of Ayurvedic medicine, for each toe is assigned an elemental field name: Ether, Air, Fire, Water and Earth. Each of thse elements can be discussed in relationship to one's physical, emotional and spiritual wellness.

Toe reading is not fortune telling or a psychic reading, nor will you be informed or instructed on your life purpose or how to find your soul mate. In other words, toe reading is not toe telling. Toes simply hold your life's energy and, consequently, they have their own stories to tell. The reading is in the powerful questions asked by the Toe Reader that are directed by looking at a client's toes and nails. It is also an alternative way to participate in a coaching experience as your toes can give you clues where you are headed and what you want to accomplish.

Choosing to change your story or write a new chapter can change your life, as well as the shape and direction of your toes!

Here are a couple of toe morsels upon which to nibble!

1. The right foot represents how one presents and interacts with the world, while the left foot is more about how one relates to self and to one's higher power. Consequently, the right foot and left foot toes tell different facets of one's story. The right foot also represents one's past, while the left foot is more about the present and the future.

 2. The toes of people who have led more challenging lives may have more lumps and bumps, which give clues to their emotional and personal experiences. The shape of our feet and toes may change over time and our toe nails are consistently regenerated. This is indicative of the power we hold to change our lives.

3. Flexible feet point to a person who adapts easily and is willing to go with the flow. On the other hand, if the foot is too flexible, this could indicate that there is a tendency towards being too easily manipulated. Conversely, rigid feet often indicate a person who may be harsh, strict, precise or inflexible.

For more information: http://www.lngerst.com/Services.html 

Alone vs. Lonely

ALONE and LONELY. These words are sometimes used interchangeably, but, to me, they are miles apart in meaning. While alone means isolated or separated from others (and at times by choice), lonely is defined as a state that produces a feeling of bleakness or desolation. So, you can choose to be alone and happy vs. alone and sad.

On the other hand, Paul Tillich, a theologian and existentialist philosopher, suggests that "language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

Semantics aside ...

Due to the loss of a mate, you may find yourself alone AND lonely for a period of time. However, as you heal and spend a fair amount of leisure time by yourself, you do not necessarily have to be lonely. 

"Alone time" is when you can make the greatest leaps in your personal evolution. In fact, even when you are in the midst of a relationship, I am a big believer in taking some time apart to recharge and rejuvenate. This doesn't mean that you lead separate lives or go out partying without your mate ... only that you make room for some solitary moments.

A Solitary Moment

We are two individuals 

who have decided to walk down the path of life hand in hand

One of the reasons, I believe, our bond is strong is that 

we recognize and respect each other's need for solitude

It is not an affront to either one of us if some "alone time" is needed

Life has turned out to be one big balancing act

So, it is in this "alone time" that we both can rejuvenate, 

reflect upon our lives and our relationship, and RE-balance ourselves

I want to emphasize that what is most important to me is YOU, 

our family and the precious moments we spend together

Sometimes it is easy to put that on a back shelf 

when you get caught up in the minutia of everyday life

That is why I think our solitary moments only strengthen our bond

For I take those moments to realize

how lucky I am to have you as my partner

Finding Love After Loss: Basic Needs

Men and women have different basic needs. To understand and accept these differences can help enhance your relationship with your mate.

Men hunger for respect and success. They want to "win" at the game of life and love. On the other hand, women long for security and a sense of belonging by feeling connected. In a healthy relationship, the partners strive to recognize these inherent needs and do their best to fulfill them for each other.

When a woman consistently denigrates her man, he loses face. If he feels he cannot adequately provide (i.e. give his mate the security she needs), he can harbor feelings of failure. He pulls away from the person from whom these feelings emanate. As mentioned in the previous post, the man contracts or retreats. He does not want help from his mate or others because that makes him feel inept -- as if he can't figure things out by himself.

Here is the catch. Women, in general, like to help. They want to reach out and make things better. When she sees her mate floundering, her first thought is to help him. Unfortunately, the man feels emasculated by this behavior and either acts out or retreats even more. It's a no-win situation. This concept is also one of the reasons why a man won't ask for directions, even when he is hopelessly lost. He wants to figure it out by himself, for this fulfills his need to be successful in all endeavors, even the menial ones.

Men also like to be surrounded by beauty, which includes looking at beautiful women. They love the feel of a woman's skin and are less concerned over size than women believe. Women have a tendency to examine themselves too minutely and then point out their flaws to their mate. It is better to keep these less than confident feelings to yourself (or if you must discuss, do it with your girlfriends). Your man wants to love you just the way you are ... beautiful in your very own way! Don't deny him this pleasure.

Enjoy and honor the differences between the genders. If you wanted your mate to be more like your girlfriends, why bother with a relationship!

This post is loosely based on a lecture by Cinthia Hiett, M.C., L.P.C., a highly recognized relationship and life management expert.

Finding Love After Loss: Communication Tips

Most men do not like drama. They are actually afraid of a woman's emotions, which is most clearly illustrated by their reaction when she starts to cry. 

Men are also attuned to a sense of danger, which activates their fight or flight response. When a woman acts aggressively towards a man, for example, denigrating or yelling at him, his defenses kick in. He will either flee the situation (if not physically, then mentally by checking out so he hears nothing of what is said) or he will fight back in return. Neither is a wanted result nor will they lead to healthy communication that can resolve an issue.

Although society tends to look at women as the sensitive ones, in truth, men are much more sensitive and their feelings are easily hurt. This may not be recognized because if a man feels disrespected or useless (he can't fix the problem), he may act aggressively (or non-sensitively). This acting out is a defense mechanism of which the man may not even be aware. He only knows that when a situation is threatening and doesn't feel good, he needs to extricate himself from it and in any manner available.

To have effective communication with a man, a woman should also be aware of her tone of voice and her body language so that it is non-threatening and non-confrontational. Staring a man directly in the eye (unless it is in the bedroom!) can be regarded as a challenge. If you have something difficult to say, it is better to look away when saying it. When your thought is complete, then turn back to look at the man. Try to keep your demeanor pleasant and your face neutral; try not to purse your lips or scrunch up the skin between your eyebrows. These actions can also be regarded as confrontational and the man will respond to your pose rather than your words.

A woman should also give a man a way to succeed when presented with an issue. I am always reminded of asking a child, "Do you want to go to bed now or 5 minutes from now?" You have presented the child with two winning strategies (for you), yet the child still gets to retain his/her self-respect by not backing down. Remember, ultimatums never work and men like to win!

Now it may seem that all this is game playing, but I beg to differ. In every situation, one should always be aware of his/her surroundings and with whom he/she is dealing. The goal is to communicate effectively. It does no good to be able to say whatever you want and for it not to be heard. If you simply keep the gender differences in mind and adjust your delivery accordingly, you will be able to reach a successful resolution where both the man and woman feel like winners.

The information and ideas presented in this post are from a lecture by Cinthia Hiett, M.C., L.P.C., a highly recognized relationship and life management expert.

Finding Love After Loss: Communication Differences Between The Genders

Not only are men from Mars and women from Venus, men and women perceive and receive information and experiences in very different manners. Not being aware of the inherent nature of the opposite sex is at the crux of many misunderstandings that can spiral out of control and end in the dissolution of a relationship.

The following are gross generalizations and should not be regarded as negative or positive statements about either gender. It is simply the way they see the world in different ways, which is neither better nor worse than the other. In fact, the brains of men and women are different too. Men have more gray matter, which means they see life as simpler -- more black and white and more self-centered. Women, on the other hand, have more white matter, which makes them more complex and empathetic. What this means is that when confronted with an issue, men may ask, "How will this affect me?" and women may ask, "How will this affect me, my mate, my children, my job, etc.?"

Let's examine some other core differences.

1. Men are neither subtle nor do they understand subtlety well. When a woman thinks she is conveying her needs or feelings by her actions (and sometimes couched words), it is usually going right over the man's head. Men speak directly, so if women want to communicate with a clear message, they must also be direct or the man just won't get it.  Conversely, when speaking to other women, she may speak indirectly for fear of hurting another woman's feelings. This woman will still "get it" even though the statements will not be overt.

2. Men tend to focus on what is important to them. They look to quickly find solutions to problems and they want to solve their mate's problems too. They are hardwired to see this as part of their job of being a man. A woman, on the other hand, will worry over an issue and mull over it many times while asking for the opinions of others before taking decisive action.

3. A man can be more single-minded than a woman. He keeps extraneous information out, while a woman has difficulty ignoring (and caring about) all that surrounds her. This is made clear when you see a woman multi-tasking in the home and at work. She is able to have many "pots" on the stove at the same time. A man, however, hones his focus on one "pot" at a time. He finishes the first pot before moving onto the next.

4. In situations, men usually contract while women expand -- that is, women tend to look to reach out and connect with others while the man can remain an island onto himself. What this means for a romantic relationship is that women can easily lose themselves as they try to please everyone else. Additionally, a man may expand when he is looking for a mate, but once he "has" her then he contracts back to his original stance. This is the reason why many women feel ignored once the chase is over and the man has captured his prize.

5. Men like action, and women like words. The statement uttered by many a woman, "We need to talk" strikes fear in the hearts of men. If you are feeling unloved or neglected because your man is not interested in lengthy conversations about feelings, take a look at his actions towards you. When it comes to men, actions most certainly speak louder than words. If he goes to work each day to provide for his family and then comes home and helps around the house or washes your car each week or mows the lawn each Saturday, etc, these are all actions that say I love you. When you think about it, wouldn't you rather be shown how much you are loved vs just being the recipient of lip service with an I love you uttered that has no concrete actions to back it up? Consider that thought before you complain that your mate never says I love you.

6. Men talk in statements and women talk in questions, or, in other words, men report while women attempt to establish rapport and elicit a response. When a woman speaks in questions, for example, "Do you like this great new dress I bought?" vs "I bought a great new dress today", the man assumes the woman is looking for a decision from him or needs him to solve an issue. And men like to solve problems! In truth, the woman is simply looking for feedback or to make conversation with her mate. However, if she receives a negative comment, her feelings are hurt and she becomes angry. The man is totally confused because he thought he was being asked to help. Obviously, this is a very simple example, but going forward listen to yourself when you speak to your man. Are you making statements or asking questions? If you are not getting the response you want, change your technique.

The aforementioned are just a few of the differences in gender communication. Keeping these in mind and working on discovering ways to be accurately heard by the opposite sex can make a relationship run more smoothly and without discordance. 

The ideas and information presented above are based upon a lecture by Cinthia Hiett, M.C., L.P.C., a highly recognized relationship and life management expert.