Finding Love After Loss: Basic Needs

Men and women have different basic needs. To understand and accept these differences can help enhance your relationship with your mate.

Men hunger for respect and success. They want to "win" at the game of life and love. On the other hand, women long for security and a sense of belonging by feeling connected. In a healthy relationship, the partners strive to recognize these inherent needs and do their best to fulfill them for each other.

When a woman consistently denigrates her man, he loses face. If he feels he cannot adequately provide (i.e. give his mate the security she needs), he can harbor feelings of failure. He pulls away from the person from whom these feelings emanate. As mentioned in the previous post, the man contracts or retreats. He does not want help from his mate or others because that makes him feel inept -- as if he can't figure things out by himself.

Here is the catch. Women, in general, like to help. They want to reach out and make things better. When she sees her mate floundering, her first thought is to help him. Unfortunately, the man feels emasculated by this behavior and either acts out or retreats even more. It's a no-win situation. This concept is also one of the reasons why a man won't ask for directions, even when he is hopelessly lost. He wants to figure it out by himself, for this fulfills his need to be successful in all endeavors, even the menial ones.

Men also like to be surrounded by beauty, which includes looking at beautiful women. They love the feel of a woman's skin and are less concerned over size than women believe. Women have a tendency to examine themselves too minutely and then point out their flaws to their mate. It is better to keep these less than confident feelings to yourself (or if you must discuss, do it with your girlfriends). Your man wants to love you just the way you are ... beautiful in your very own way! Don't deny him this pleasure.

Enjoy and honor the differences between the genders. If you wanted your mate to be more like your girlfriends, why bother with a relationship!

This post is loosely based on a lecture by Cinthia Hiett, M.C., L.P.C., a highly recognized relationship and life management expert.