Practice Makes Perfect

I'm a big proponent of practice dating ... that is, dating without intention. 

When you first step into the dating pool, you may be feeling a bit intimidated or nervous. Saying YES! to all who ask you out can help you to become more comfortable in your dating skin as you hone your vision of the type of person for whom you are looking.

Posted below is a very short video on this subject.

What's The Big Deal About Valentine's Day?

It’s Valentine’s Day and, if you’re single and bemoaning the fact that you don’t have a valentine, will you consider the following for a change in perspective? 

February 9 was National Toothache Day. 

Are you upset because you don’t have a toothache? 

March 17 is St. Patrick’s Day. 

Are you avoiding this day because you’re not Irish? 

March 24 is World Tuberculosis Day. 

Are you upset because you don’t have TB? 

May 12 is International Nurses Day. 

If you’re not a nurse, are you upset? 

August 20 is World Mosquito Day. 

I don't know about you, but when the pesky mosquito gets assigned its own day, I think we need to re-examine the concept of celebratory days! 

The larger point is that Valentine’s Day is just a day … and one that is mostly perpetuated by jewelry, card and candy makers. 

It puts artificial pressure on both well-established couples as they fret on what to buy for each other AND newly-established couples as they worry whether they should buy a present and, if they do, how big or little it should be. 

Here’s the question. If you are in a good relationship, do you really need a national day set aside that “forces” you to express your love? Instead, you should be telling your partner every day (with your words and actions) that you love him or her. 

Don’t be intimidated by Valentine’s Day. You can welcome love into your life in hundreds of ways. In fact, it all starts with you and love of self. If you’re spending the day alone, use it to fall in love with yourself!

First Date Advice

Nervous about dating? 

Listen to the video below for some pointers on how you can allay your fears. 

I especially like my tip on firing up your sparkly eyes, and it's one I've used for many years, as you'll learn in the video.

This technique involves igniting your eyes from inside your being so that they are bright and shiny. In other words, get excited (without any expectations) by your upcoming meeting and the new things you might learn about yourself, your date and your world. Your eyes will serve as a beacon of warm light that will invite open conversation. Your positive attitude and interest in another's words will make the meeting go well and can distill any nervousness about the encounter.

 

 “People love to talk but hate to listen.

Listening is not merely not talking, 

although even that is beyond most of our powers; 

it means taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us. 

You can listen like a blank wall or like a 

splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.”

 ~Alice Duer Miller 

The preceding is an excerpt from Finding Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story, which is available as a Kindle or soft-cover book via Amazon. 

Click here to purchase soft-cover.
Click here to purchase Kindle version.

How To Manage Anger in a Relationship

Today's blog comes by the way of a video with a strong message of:

 Don't Eat Your Anger.

Quotes For All Occasions

I admit it! I have been an incorrigible quoter since I was a teenager. In fact, on my 18th birthday, my boyfriend even bought the book “Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations” for me, which contains a whopping 1500 pages of quotations on every topic imaginable. This may not sound romantic to you, but it was to me because he bought me something he knew I would cherish forever vs. some trinket that could become outdated or break. 

He was pretty smart for one so young (which is probably why I eventually married him!). Without knowing it, he was following the Platinum Rule, which says that you should not only love thy neighbor as thyself (which is what the Golden Rule promotes), but you should also love thy neighbor the way thy neighbor wants to be loved. 

I have always found inspiration in reading quotes, and I tried to pass this on to the high school English students I taught. Each day, I posted a new quote on the blackboard with the hope that it could help them navigate the dangerous jungle of high school.

I’m also a big believer in not reinventing the wheel. So if you can find someone who is regarded with respect and authority and can beautifully express your thoughts, I say quote them! After all, as Julio Cortázar said, “In quoting others, we cite ourselves.” 

I’ve continued this practice on Facebook and in my many self-help books because as Shannon L. Alder said, “Inspirational quotes are dances of light that shine in dark places during your life.” And we all could use a little ray of hope and light to brighten up the days of our lives, which is what I aim to provide for my readers and clients. 

Many other people post quotes on Facebook, too. Even Abraham Lincoln said, “It is a pleasure to be able to quote lines to fit any occasion.” Or maybe people use quotes because “they are short on time, but long on big ideas,” as Bruce Edwin suggests. 

Personally, I think it’s interesting to share quotes but to also report how it affects you or what you think it means. Now, not everyone is going to agree with your interpretation, but reading alternate meanings can open up doors for new thoughts. And it is new thoughts that can change your perception of how you see the world. In turn, this allows you to make beneficial changes that can enhance your life.

Jay Woodman said, “Notice, when looking at quotes of each person – you'll never agree with every single quote of anybody's. We all have a different view of reality, of what is meaningful. This is why we can never argue, or there would be no man left alive – we have to agree to disagree, and just get on with it, maybe laugh a little too. It's wonderful really – delightful – the infinite variety of wisdom and beauty! Let's accept it gladly.” 

I’d love for you to share your favorite quote in the comment box and tell why it is so meaningful to you. Or, perhaps you have a special saying that you have thought up by yourself. And, if it resounds with me, I'm letting you know that I'm going to quote you too!

The Chemistry of Relationships

Chemistry: a branch of physical science, the study of the composition, properties and behavior of matter. Chemistry is concerned with atoms and their interactions with other atoms, and particularly with the properties of chemical bonds. 

When it comes to dating, chemistry is an often discussed topic, and many make the decision to pursue a relationship based on whether they feel it or not. But, let’s take a closer look at chemistry and what it really means. 

If you accept the premise that every item in the universe is comprised of energy – of positive and negative charges in constant motion – that means humans are beings of energy, too. Moreover, according to the definition at the top of the article, that makes all our interactions chemical reactions, for chemistry is the study of the behavior of matter (or how atoms interact with other atoms). 

The fact that there are positive and negative charges reflects the natural duality of the world, and, as such, a chemical reaction can have a positive or a negative effect. 

For example, take the statement, “We have chemistry!” 

This can mean that the sparks were flying when you first met someone. However, were these sparks igniting feels of lust/love OR was there such friction that you rubbed each other the wrong way? 

Personally, I think the idea of chemistry at the outset of a relationship is highly overrated. Of course, you want to be attracted to someone, but sometimes that takes more than one meeting. Furthermore, isn’t it true that once you get to know and like/love someone that you are attracted to their beautiful “insides” more than their less-than-perfect “outsides”? 

Getting to know someone inside out is what relationship development is all about, and that is what creates a real and lasting chemical reaction. 

Here are some of my favorite quotes about chemistry in regard to relationships.

Have You Turned Your Intention OR Your Attention on Finding Love?

Whether you are looking to find love or working towards attaining another of your goals, it is important to examine and understand the difference between attention and intention.

ATTENTION can energize your body, for good and bad. On whatever you focus your attention, the stronger it will become in your life. If you are stuck emotionally on being lonely, afraid, sick, or broke, and you focus all your attention on feeling sorry for yourself or angry at finding yourself in this place, you will only perpetuate these factors in your life. 

You can wish and desire all you want in order to move through these less than desirable circumstances, but that is not enough. Desire alone is weak because, in most people, it is simply attention connected to attachment. That is, you are attached to the outcome.

Instead, try focusing your attention on the present and practice not feeling lonely, afraid, penniless, etc. This will trigger your intention to NOT feel that way. 

INTENTION is what transforms your thoughts into reality. In order to accomplish this feat, you must first quiet your mind. Meditating is a good way to do this. It allows you to access your intentions/desires. As you affirm them, you release your intentions to the universe and create the energy to start the process of realizing your goals. 

Once the energy is set in motion, you can then let the universe decide HOW this process will be revealed to you – always keeping in mind that there is not always one path and one favorable outcome. In other words, try not to become attached to how you see it happening. Let yourself just know it will happen and be surprised at how it comes about!

You may want to think of attachment as blinders on a horse; it only lets you see and desire one outcome. You become so attached to the end result that you’re not aware of a world full of available possibilities. For example, you may miss a wonderful friendship, if you are only desirous of a love connection. You may be better off, if you don’t force “your” solution. Instead, step back and witness it emerge from chaos and confusion. It is when you are in a state of confusion that you will find yourself in a true state of grace, for it is here that "spirit" (or your inner guidance) can provide you with the answers you seek.

The preceding is an excerpt from my book, "Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story." It's available as a soft-cover, Kindle, or ebook in pdf format. 

Click here for soft-cover.

Click here for Kindle version.

Click here for ebook version.