Finding Love After Loss: Friendship as a Path to Romance

I often hear from those that have lost a spouse that one of the hardest things for them to witness is an elderly couple walking hand-in-hand. It’s not so much the romance they wistfully lament but the implied companionship that this couple is sharing. After all, friendship is the foundation upon which all lasting romantic relationships are built.

If you are not having much luck in the romance department, try another avenue to solve this dilemma. Take some time to concentrate on simply making new friends. An added benefit of new friends is that it exponentially expands your social circle, which can give you an opportunity to meet lots of new people. One of them may be a romantic candidate just right for you!

10 Tips on How To Make New Friends

1. The easiest way to meet people with whom you share common interests is to take a class or join a group that centers on one of your hobbies. This way you will already have a built-in starting point with the other members.

2. Be kind to yourself, and be a friend to yourself. Open your heart and allow yourself to be liked and loved.

3. Be open to honest and kind conversation. Balance this openness with your safety and wariness of others that may cause you to question if someone has an ulterior motive for befriending you.

4. “Let’s get together soon” is too nebulous a statement when making plans. Decide upon a specific date and time to meet. This assures it WILL happen!

5. Always keep your word. Don’t say you’ll call and then forget to do so. Remember, someone else is counting on your personal contact with him or her.

6. Smile at people. You will be surprised at how many others respond, reciprocate and show appreciation for the good will and warmth you are spreading. It is an inexpensive way to make yourself and others “light up” inside and out.

7. “What goes around, comes around.” Be the friend you would like to have, and others will reciprocate in kind. Keep Ralph Waldo Emerson’s words in mind: “The only way to have a friend is simply be his friend.”

8. Reach out to those less fortunate than you. Help others, personally or through an organization. Your life will be enriched by your good deeds.

9. Allow yourself to be happy and content. Your positive attitude will attract others to you. Everyone likes to be with positive people.

10. Initiate conversation. There’s no law that says you have to wait for someone to approach you first. Be the first to say hello, and you will be surprised how people will respond to this simple, but brave, gesture.

Although there are many other ways to make and keep friends, I think Albert Camus captured the essence of friendship when he said, “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”

Finding Love After Loss: Evaluating Potential Partners

As you learn more about a potential partner, it is important to constantly be evaluating your relationship to determine if it is a good fit for you. Also, remember, relationships take time to develop, and it is only over this time that you can come to truly know a person.

The following are four areas to help you appraise your relationship. Since it is always helpful to use a mnemonic device to remember items, I’ve devised one that will assist you in remembering these categories, as well as remembering who told you about them!

E-L-N-G

If you say ELNG aloud, it is Ellen G (Gerst)! However, there is a deeper meaning, too!

E is for Elasticity

                   L is for Lifestyle

                                        N is for Nature (inherent)

                                                                           G is for Goals

Elasticity. Elasticity, which is the ability to be flexible, appreciate a foreign method of dealing with certain circumstances or simply to go with the flow, is an attractive personality trait. Similar to when you are raising children, in a romantic relationship it is also important to pick your battles. While deciding on how you attend to your finances is important, whether you eat Italian or Chinese food is not. Additionally, life is full of “stuff” coming up. Watching how well a person can adapt to a change in plans is very enlightening. If one cannot change gears without major drama, you may want to consider if this person will be able to handle a time when an earth shattering event occurs.

Lifestyle. You may be attracted to a person’s physical and emotional being at the beginning of a relationship. Accordingly, you may start to feel as if this this person seems to be on the “same page” as you. However, as the relationship develops you may find that you have completely different lifestyles; he is a sports fanatic and you are a museum lover or he never picks up a book and you are a voracious reader. 

It has been shown that couples who enjoy activities in common have a much better chance of growing together. And, it does not count if one partner just suffers the activity to make the other happy! What you end up with is lots of groans and rolled eyes and eventual dissatisfaction. Now, partners need not be tied at the hip; simply evaluate how wide the berth is between the things done together and those done apart. The more shared leisure activities, in most instances, the more joy you can experience together.

Inherent Nature. Personalities may match, values may be the same and lifestyle choices are coordinated; however, the partners’ basic natures may still not be singing in harmony. That is — the way each of you approach a situation may come from completely opposite directions. Now, if you and your partner can be flexible (see above) then all may be well. However, if tolerability is not a strong suit, problems can arise. For example, if one person is calm and methodical and the other is hyperactive and rash, it is sometimes difficult to reach a meeting of the minds. Pay attention, also, to the rhythm and pacing of each other’s live; it is easier when they play in concord.

Goals. It is important for partners to share similar goals or the same life purpose. No matter how much love is shared, it would be very difficult, for example, if one partner were devoutly religious and based all of his/her actions and activities around that religion, while the other partner wanted to lead a more hedonistic lifestyle. It is wonderful to romanticize life and think that love can conquer all; however, strong unions between partners usually are formed when the practicalities of life are considered as well the love that exists.

******

The world may tell us that opposites attract, and this may be true in the short term. However, it is also very difficult to live with someone whom approaches life from the other end of the spectrum from you.

The above are only four areas to which to be attuned when evaluating your relationship. 

A part of this post is an excerpt from Love After Loss: Writing the Rest of Your Story. Love After Loss is now available as both an e-book via my website or as a paperback via amazon.com. 

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Finding Love After Loss: 10 Conversation Starters for First Dates

If you haven’t dated in a long time, you might be feeling anxious about your first encounters. You might worry that you won’t have enough to talk about or that your date might find you boring.

In truth, keeping a conversation going is not as hard as starting the ball rolling. Consequently, keep in mind that a good majority of people like to talk about themselves. So, if you are nervous, forget about being interesting. Just be interested in what your date has to say.

Now, you don’t want your time together to turn into a question and answer interval, but you can still pose questions to spark conversation.

Following are 10 questions you could ask your date. After he/she has answered, you can chime in with your comments. As a bonus, you will have the “leg up” because you already know the questions, so you can prepare some fascinating tidbits to share!

1. What are some things that make you laugh or just go hmmm?

2. What was the best thing about your family life when you were a young child?

3. What were you like when you were a child? In what ways have you changed? In what ways have you stayed the same?

4. Did you have a funny nickname when you were a child? Do you have one now? What’s the story behind the name?

5. Who had the greatest influence on you while you were growing up? Was it a teacher, relative, friend, public figure? Do you have a mentor today who influences you or in what ways does he/she guide you?

6. What is one thing about you that would surprise me?

7. Do you have a special talent?

8. What’s your favorite movie, TV show, band, etc.?

9. What’s your favorite way to spend your free time?

10. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would that be and why?

Finding Love After Loss: 5 Tips for Successful Step Parenting

"Although stepfamilies rarely make as smooth a transition as the Brady Bunch,

it is possible to successfully blend a family.

It depends on how and when you start and what you put in the blender."

~Kela Price

If you are in a relationship that is headed towards merging your two families, you are about to enter the world of step parenting. It is a world that can be very rewarding, but don’t expect all the members of the family to meld immediately. It takes lots of time, love and patience to build a healthy and working step family entity.

Here are 5 tips to help you make the transition.

1. Don’t take things personally. This is the same advice I gave you when it came to dating. Not everything is about you! Children are very hurt by their parent’s divorce and they can act out in childish ways. A step parent is a very easy target at which to direct their anger and fear. Choose the high road and don’t engage in battle with the children. Be constant; be steady; be there as a role model of decorum and grace under pressure. Children take note of all behaviors, and they are watching you very carefully to see if you will respond or react to their shenanigans.

2. Limit your expectations. This is another piece of advice I gave you in regard to dating. It takes a long time to get to know someone, and your step children are no different. You will set yourself up for disappointment if you rush the get-to-know you process and expect a love fest to take place simply because you are now married and living together as a family. Think about this process as dating your stepchildren! Engage in the activities you would normally do when you start dating, for example, exploring who they are and what they like and discussing their hopes and dreams. Moreover, have some fun with them because this can foster the growth of good feelings.

3. Set boundaries. I recall my younger son talking to his soon-to-be stepbrother about boundaries. He told this boy, “I don’t know where my mother’s boundaries are; I just know I’m not going anywhere near them!” Having raised him from birth, my son inherently knew my every nuance and could read when he was approaching the danger zone. Step children do not have the same benefit, so you must be very clear and specific about your boundaries.

4. Take care of yourself and your marriage. Don’t let children (yours or his/hers) come between you and your new partner. Children usually have no shame and they will use all the tools at their disposal to get their way, including guilting you into letting them do something you normally would not. Additionally, make sure to take care of yourself on all levels so you can cope with the added stress of step parenting. Allowing yourself to reach a point of overload will be of no benefit to any member of the family.

5. Ask for support. When you embark upon a task you have never done before or about which you know little, what is the first thing you can do to help yourself? Research! Read some books, take a class, consult a professional or ask friends who have step parented for advice. No one expects you to be an expert on this subject and know exactly the right thing to do. However, you can prepare yourself as best you can in order to be successful. 

Finding Love After Loss: Ten Tips on Resolving Conflict

Conflict in a relationship is not necessarily a bad thing …. as long as it is resolved properly.

Living with another person is difficult and, unless you are clones of each other, there will be times when you disagree on issues. Actually, having a disagreement can be looked upon as a positive thing because it illustrates that each partner cares enough about the relationship that they both strive to be heard and respected.

More severe difficulties in the relationship can escalate when conflict is avoided because this can cause resentment and an eventual pull back of loving feelings to occur. Common reasons for avoiding conflict include: not knowing how to bring up a discussion about a sensitive topic; an unwillingness to experience temporary uncomfortable feelings in order to resolve a problem; and a fear of being rejected or ridiculed by a partner. 

Consider the following tips to help you maneuver your way through to a successful resolution, which may be considered a victory by itself.

1. Cool off. Take a few moments to collect yourself – maybe even more than a few! Just as you may give a child a time out, you can take one too so to preclude yourself from saying something you may later regret.

2. Listen. When cooler heads are prevailing, listen to your partner with an open mind and open heart.

3. Make room for different viewpoints. There are usually three sides to a confrontation: the way the woman sees it; the way the man sees it; and somewhere in between, the truth. We naturally view circumstances from our own perspective; so try to see the situation from your partner’s point of view.

4. Take responsibility for your part. Partners are very good at pushing each other’s buttons, but usually no one is totally innocent when disagreements arise. Express your viewpoint with "I" messages such as, "I feel," "I think" and "I want" rather than with finger pointing and blame (i.e. "You do this.").

5. Don’t make assumptions. Always gather all the facts before trying to resolve a problem.

6. Remind yourself that you love your partner. It is sometimes difficult to remember this fact when you are in a heated disagreement. However, if each partner treats the other with respect and honor during tension filled times, it allows a message to be better received and respect and honor to be reciprocated.

7. Don’t ignore the warning signs. Big arguments often start with little disagreements. Don’t brush off a partner’s complaints or cries for change simply because you don’t agree or don’t want to make any changes. A litany of ignored issues, but easily resolved, can explode when consistently deemed unimportant.

8. Don’t be afraid to apologize. When conflict escalates, it becomes hard to back down. We get stuck in our beliefs, even if they are faulty ones. There’s no shame to say, “I was wrong” and apologize.

9. Compliment your partner. Make sure to tell your partner all the things you do like about him/her while asking for some changes on a few issues. This will remind you that there is more good than bad in your relationship and that it’s possible for you to decide to agree to disagree on some subjects.

10. Conclude a disagreement on a positive note. If you can’t reach a resolution in one sitting, don’t walk away in anger. Decide to table the discussion until you can both gather more facts and have some time to assess your feelings/opinion towards the matter at hand. 

Many of these tips are not exclusive to romantic relationships, but may be utilized with children, friends and other family members, too.

Finding Love After Loss: The Alchemy of Success

"Many have said of Alchemy that it is for the making of gold and silver. 

For me, such is not the aim, but to consider only what 

virtue and power may lie in medicines."

Paracelsus

The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo has sold more than 20 million copies worldwide. To garner such attention, does it provide the secret of how to turn base metal into gold or tell of a remedy that would cure all diseases and prolong life indefinitely? After all, these are the two principles upon which alchemy is founded.

Perhaps the book doesn’t literally tell how to spin gold, but it does outline a path on how to find gold in your own life by following your true and personal calling. Coehlo tells us that is the reason we are put on Earth. However, as man moves to accomplish this goal, he throws obstacles in his own path so he won’t succeed. It seems he can’t get out of his own way.

Coehlo puts forth that there are four obstacles hindering the path towards personal fulfillment. 

1. As young children, we are told that anything is possible. Believing this, children dream about what they want to be when they grow up. However, as we grow (and supposedly get socialized), the messages change, and we are told the reasons why our dream, or personal calling, is impossible to attain. It gets buried under the word "No!" as well as prejudice, fear and guilt.

2. If we are able to burrow our way through negativity and have the courage to still pursue our personal calling, we run into the second obstacle, which is love. This seems counterintuitive because love should set us free to evolve into our highest self. However, once ensconced in a life with loved ones, those bonds tie us down to the life we are leading. Ultimately, we become afraid we might lose the people we love and the possessions we have come to love, if we pursue our dream.

3. If the second obstacle can be reconciled and we use love as an impetus, rather than an impediment, we run into the third obstacle, which is fear of defeat. However, defeat, or loss, is often a necessary component of ultimate success. It teaches us lessons that make us stronger, thus allowing us to finally accomplish our goals. At times, loss also helps us refine a personal calling. So, if you are able to overcome hardship and channel it in a positive manner, this inspires you onward with gusto.

4. If you fall down seven times, but get up eight, as the wise saying instructs, then you move closer towards your goal. And now we encounter the fourth obstacle, which is a fear of success. The possibility of attaining our personal goals can make us question whether or not we are deserving of such good fortune. This elicits guilt, which is the most useless of all our emotions. We must reflect back upon the hard work that we have done to get to this point. It was not an overnight success and we ARE worthy. Without this acknowledgement, it is very easy to self-sabotage and let the “prize” slip from our grasp. Facing failure, we may try to blame outside sources, but there is only one responsible party: YOU! Until this fact is faced and accepted, success will continue to be elusive.

The truth is that everyone can reach his/her personal calling and find success and love in his/her life with hard work and acceptance of self-worthiness. Keep in mind, though, it doesn’t always come in the form in which you expect or think you want. Be open to the universe, and it will answer back with its bounties.

I recommend a full reading of The Alchemist, a short read that is under 175 pages.

Finding Love After Loss: Developing Momentum in a Relationship

Good advice for new, prospective relationships is to neither take it too fast nor too slow.

Too fast means that after one interaction you decide that this is your soul mate and you hear wedding bells ringing in the distance. This is the one of the very best ways to scare aware a possible romantic connection.

Too slow means that even though you both felt some sort of connection, there is a lapse of a couple of weeks before you interact again. Without a sturdy base of shared memories to build upon, this lack of momentum can make the relationship fizzle before it even starts. When too much time lapses between the first few interactions, you basically are starting anew on each date.

So, what is the correct timing to get a relationship off the ground?

What is important to keep in mind is that men and women have very different ideas about the early days of dating and their meaning. While woman often read too much into every nuance or comment and may assume an exclusive relationship is starting because three to four dates in a row have taken place, men, on the other hand, are usually still in the get-to-know-you phase and do not want to feel penned in quite yet. So, when a woman starts having expectations of the man (such as seeing him every weekend), the man gets the itch to run and unhook the yoke he feels being tightened around his neck.

The following is an excerpt from Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story, which is now available as a paperback at this link on Amazon.com as well as an e-book via my website.

This story exemplifies how differently men and women see beginning interactions and how this couple could not find the correct balance or momentum, and it eventually caused the budding romance to come to a screeching halt.

GETTING SCARED

A man and a woman meet for lunch. He kisses her hello. She is a little taken aback because the usual order of things is a handshake in the beginning and maybe a hug and a little peck, if there has been a lot of communication beforehand. The meal progresses, and they really hit it off. An hour into the first date, he asks her if she wants him to get tickets for a show a month away. She, again, is a little taken aback but agrees to go out without him; after all, she can cancel at a later date. They get ready to say goodbye, and now it is time for the hug! Throughout the week, they see each other four more times, at the gentleman’s request. A little over the top, but they are enjoying each other’s company. Now, the natural assumption here would be that they are going to continue this relationship. Think again!

In the meantime, the woman has sent the gentleman some thought provoking e-mails and perhaps reveals a little too much about her inner psyche. She thinks to herself, “How can we know if we want to continue to see each other, if we don’t let the other see who we truly are?” This was a mistake. The lesson is don’t reveal too much, too soon.

The following week, she calls him and leaves a message on his answering machine asking him if he wants to go to the movies the next day. He doesn’t return the phone call to say yes or no. She leaves another message two days later, which asks him to let her know one way or the other if he wishes to continue seeing her. Still no reply. One more try on her part — an e-mail basically saying that she was confused about his lack of courtesy. Still no reply.

A few weeks later they run into each other, and the gentleman admits the reason he didn’t return the phone calls was that he was feeling penned in. But let’s review the scenario. He asked her out five times in one week, and he asked her out for a date one month away. Who was trying to pen whom in? And who closed the door when emotional intimacy entered the scene?

The truth is that these were two people who did not know each other very well, and they went too fast, too soon and ended up getting scared. The woman, who was very hurt by the lack of response, also mistakenly made it all about her. In reality, the gentleman had his own issues with which he was dealing, and it was more about him than anything to do with the woman.

The lesson? Try to place yourself in the other person’s position and figure out how he or she might interpret seemingly innocent comments and actions. With strangers, it is very easy to take both actions and words in a different manner in which they were intended. And remember to try not to take things personally because it is not always about YOU!