Finding Love After Loss: Ten Tips on Resolving Conflict

Conflict in a relationship is not necessarily a bad thing …. as long as it is resolved properly.

Living with another person is difficult and, unless you are clones of each other, there will be times when you disagree on issues. Actually, having a disagreement can be looked upon as a positive thing because it illustrates that each partner cares enough about the relationship that they both strive to be heard and respected.

More severe difficulties in the relationship can escalate when conflict is avoided because this can cause resentment and an eventual pull back of loving feelings to occur. Common reasons for avoiding conflict include: not knowing how to bring up a discussion about a sensitive topic; an unwillingness to experience temporary uncomfortable feelings in order to resolve a problem; and a fear of being rejected or ridiculed by a partner. 

Consider the following tips to help you maneuver your way through to a successful resolution, which may be considered a victory by itself.

1. Cool off. Take a few moments to collect yourself – maybe even more than a few! Just as you may give a child a time out, you can take one too so to preclude yourself from saying something you may later regret.

2. Listen. When cooler heads are prevailing, listen to your partner with an open mind and open heart.

3. Make room for different viewpoints. There are usually three sides to a confrontation: the way the woman sees it; the way the man sees it; and somewhere in between, the truth. We naturally view circumstances from our own perspective; so try to see the situation from your partner’s point of view.

4. Take responsibility for your part. Partners are very good at pushing each other’s buttons, but usually no one is totally innocent when disagreements arise. Express your viewpoint with "I" messages such as, "I feel," "I think" and "I want" rather than with finger pointing and blame (i.e. "You do this.").

5. Don’t make assumptions. Always gather all the facts before trying to resolve a problem.

6. Remind yourself that you love your partner. It is sometimes difficult to remember this fact when you are in a heated disagreement. However, if each partner treats the other with respect and honor during tension filled times, it allows a message to be better received and respect and honor to be reciprocated.

7. Don’t ignore the warning signs. Big arguments often start with little disagreements. Don’t brush off a partner’s complaints or cries for change simply because you don’t agree or don’t want to make any changes. A litany of ignored issues, but easily resolved, can explode when consistently deemed unimportant.

8. Don’t be afraid to apologize. When conflict escalates, it becomes hard to back down. We get stuck in our beliefs, even if they are faulty ones. There’s no shame to say, “I was wrong” and apologize.

9. Compliment your partner. Make sure to tell your partner all the things you do like about him/her while asking for some changes on a few issues. This will remind you that there is more good than bad in your relationship and that it’s possible for you to decide to agree to disagree on some subjects.

10. Conclude a disagreement on a positive note. If you can’t reach a resolution in one sitting, don’t walk away in anger. Decide to table the discussion until you can both gather more facts and have some time to assess your feelings/opinion towards the matter at hand. 

Many of these tips are not exclusive to romantic relationships, but may be utilized with children, friends and other family members, too.

Finding Love After Loss: The Alchemy of Success

"Many have said of Alchemy that it is for the making of gold and silver. 

For me, such is not the aim, but to consider only what 

virtue and power may lie in medicines."

Paracelsus

The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo has sold more than 20 million copies worldwide. To garner such attention, does it provide the secret of how to turn base metal into gold or tell of a remedy that would cure all diseases and prolong life indefinitely? After all, these are the two principles upon which alchemy is founded.

Perhaps the book doesn’t literally tell how to spin gold, but it does outline a path on how to find gold in your own life by following your true and personal calling. Coehlo tells us that is the reason we are put on Earth. However, as man moves to accomplish this goal, he throws obstacles in his own path so he won’t succeed. It seems he can’t get out of his own way.

Coehlo puts forth that there are four obstacles hindering the path towards personal fulfillment. 

1. As young children, we are told that anything is possible. Believing this, children dream about what they want to be when they grow up. However, as we grow (and supposedly get socialized), the messages change, and we are told the reasons why our dream, or personal calling, is impossible to attain. It gets buried under the word "No!" as well as prejudice, fear and guilt.

2. If we are able to burrow our way through negativity and have the courage to still pursue our personal calling, we run into the second obstacle, which is love. This seems counterintuitive because love should set us free to evolve into our highest self. However, once ensconced in a life with loved ones, those bonds tie us down to the life we are leading. Ultimately, we become afraid we might lose the people we love and the possessions we have come to love, if we pursue our dream.

3. If the second obstacle can be reconciled and we use love as an impetus, rather than an impediment, we run into the third obstacle, which is fear of defeat. However, defeat, or loss, is often a necessary component of ultimate success. It teaches us lessons that make us stronger, thus allowing us to finally accomplish our goals. At times, loss also helps us refine a personal calling. So, if you are able to overcome hardship and channel it in a positive manner, this inspires you onward with gusto.

4. If you fall down seven times, but get up eight, as the wise saying instructs, then you move closer towards your goal. And now we encounter the fourth obstacle, which is a fear of success. The possibility of attaining our personal goals can make us question whether or not we are deserving of such good fortune. This elicits guilt, which is the most useless of all our emotions. We must reflect back upon the hard work that we have done to get to this point. It was not an overnight success and we ARE worthy. Without this acknowledgement, it is very easy to self-sabotage and let the “prize” slip from our grasp. Facing failure, we may try to blame outside sources, but there is only one responsible party: YOU! Until this fact is faced and accepted, success will continue to be elusive.

The truth is that everyone can reach his/her personal calling and find success and love in his/her life with hard work and acceptance of self-worthiness. Keep in mind, though, it doesn’t always come in the form in which you expect or think you want. Be open to the universe, and it will answer back with its bounties.

I recommend a full reading of The Alchemist, a short read that is under 175 pages.

Finding Love After Loss: Developing Momentum in a Relationship

Good advice for new, prospective relationships is to neither take it too fast nor too slow.

Too fast means that after one interaction you decide that this is your soul mate and you hear wedding bells ringing in the distance. This is the one of the very best ways to scare aware a possible romantic connection.

Too slow means that even though you both felt some sort of connection, there is a lapse of a couple of weeks before you interact again. Without a sturdy base of shared memories to build upon, this lack of momentum can make the relationship fizzle before it even starts. When too much time lapses between the first few interactions, you basically are starting anew on each date.

So, what is the correct timing to get a relationship off the ground?

What is important to keep in mind is that men and women have very different ideas about the early days of dating and their meaning. While woman often read too much into every nuance or comment and may assume an exclusive relationship is starting because three to four dates in a row have taken place, men, on the other hand, are usually still in the get-to-know-you phase and do not want to feel penned in quite yet. So, when a woman starts having expectations of the man (such as seeing him every weekend), the man gets the itch to run and unhook the yoke he feels being tightened around his neck.

The following is an excerpt from Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story, which is now available as a paperback at this link on Amazon.com as well as an e-book via my website.

This story exemplifies how differently men and women see beginning interactions and how this couple could not find the correct balance or momentum, and it eventually caused the budding romance to come to a screeching halt.

GETTING SCARED

A man and a woman meet for lunch. He kisses her hello. She is a little taken aback because the usual order of things is a handshake in the beginning and maybe a hug and a little peck, if there has been a lot of communication beforehand. The meal progresses, and they really hit it off. An hour into the first date, he asks her if she wants him to get tickets for a show a month away. She, again, is a little taken aback but agrees to go out without him; after all, she can cancel at a later date. They get ready to say goodbye, and now it is time for the hug! Throughout the week, they see each other four more times, at the gentleman’s request. A little over the top, but they are enjoying each other’s company. Now, the natural assumption here would be that they are going to continue this relationship. Think again!

In the meantime, the woman has sent the gentleman some thought provoking e-mails and perhaps reveals a little too much about her inner psyche. She thinks to herself, “How can we know if we want to continue to see each other, if we don’t let the other see who we truly are?” This was a mistake. The lesson is don’t reveal too much, too soon.

The following week, she calls him and leaves a message on his answering machine asking him if he wants to go to the movies the next day. He doesn’t return the phone call to say yes or no. She leaves another message two days later, which asks him to let her know one way or the other if he wishes to continue seeing her. Still no reply. One more try on her part — an e-mail basically saying that she was confused about his lack of courtesy. Still no reply.

A few weeks later they run into each other, and the gentleman admits the reason he didn’t return the phone calls was that he was feeling penned in. But let’s review the scenario. He asked her out five times in one week, and he asked her out for a date one month away. Who was trying to pen whom in? And who closed the door when emotional intimacy entered the scene?

The truth is that these were two people who did not know each other very well, and they went too fast, too soon and ended up getting scared. The woman, who was very hurt by the lack of response, also mistakenly made it all about her. In reality, the gentleman had his own issues with which he was dealing, and it was more about him than anything to do with the woman.

The lesson? Try to place yourself in the other person’s position and figure out how he or she might interpret seemingly innocent comments and actions. With strangers, it is very easy to take both actions and words in a different manner in which they were intended. And remember to try not to take things personally because it is not always about YOU!

Finding Love After Loss: The First Phone Call

If you are Internet dating, you have may have started off your interactions with a prospective date with a wink, an IM or e-mail correspondence. The two of you are now ready to move onto your first phone call.

This can be exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time, dual in nature just like the rest of life. 

You are looking forward to putting an actual voice to the one you’ve heard coming through your non-verbal connection and will be on the lookout to see if they are in sync.

This is really your first date, although there is no need to clean up, except if you video chat!

Here are 7 tips for this first interaction.

1. Set up a specific time to talk. This should be a time when you can have some privacy, have completed your household chores or have left your job at the office, and when you can be relaxed.

2. Have light-hearted conversation. Two taboo subjects: sex and money. No sexual innuendos either. Steer away from talk about former spouses and custody issues and late spouses who you’ve elevated to sainthood status.

3. If you are especially nervous and want to avoid the possibility of dead air, think about items about which you can converse before initiating the phone conversation. If you can’t think of anything, read the newspaper that day so you are up on current events of the day. However, it is probably best to stay away from politics during this first conversation. Additionally, questions may have been generated during your email conversations, so this is a good time to get some of them answered. Make sure not to make it an interview, though!

4. If the inflection of your voice goes up at the end, any statement you make can appear to be an open-ended question. This lessens the defensive position of the other person because you are asking his/her opinion rather than stating yours as a fact with a “take it or leave it” implication.

5. Be authentic. Remember: the two of you are already attracted to each other by virtue of your previous non-verbal communications. Don’t turn into someone else because you feel the need to impress or to play up your achievements.

6. Be open, enthusiastic and upbeat. Project your "inner smile" through the telephone line! Additionally, let your prospective date know that you have looked forward to speaking to him/her and, if the conversation is going well, that you would be very open to continuing to speak and/or meet to find out more about him/her. Keep in mind that enthusiasm is great, but don't go over the top and be thinking about how this person is your soul mate before you even meet him/her in person!

7. Closing the conversation. As you near the end of your talk, and it has gone well, you might want to ask this person out. You can just go for it, or a more subtle method is to simply mention that you are going to the movies, or going hiking, or attending a concert in the park during the upcoming weekend and that it would be great if he/she could join you. Because this is a little less direct, it can alleviate some of the pressure. Moreover, you've kept the date and time nebulous, so this provides an entree to ask questions, if he/she is interested.

On a personal note, during my first coffee date with my husband, I mentioned that I had read in the paper that a restaurant had just begun offering old movies on their rooftop. I asked him if he thought that sounded like a great date. He jumped right in and asked me if I would like to go with him to find out for ourselves. In this way, I provided an easy opening for him to ask me out. (I always try to be helpful!!) He already knew I was interested in checking this venue out and assumed I would not have mentioned it to him if I was not interested in going with him.

So with the first phone conversation under your belt, you are now ready to meet your date in person!

Finding Love After Loss: Are You A People Pleaser?

Are you afflicted with the dreaded People Pleaser Syndrome?

Before the loss of my first husband, I know I certainly exhibited the major symptom inherent in a people pleaser, which is putting the desires and needs of everyone else before your own. Although I am somewhat recovered, remnants of my former self do linger, for, at my essence, I simply like to do things for other people and please them.

There is a subtle difference now, though. Previously, I would give and give, only to eventually feel depleted with nothing left to sustain myself. Today, I have stronger boundaries and, although I do try to please, I complete this action in a healthier manner. What it comes down to is that I allow myself to say “No!” and not feel guilty when I do so.

Learning to temper my enthusiasm for only pleasing others, at times to my own detriment, has allowed me to actually become better at helping others. I know that when I feel balanced and replenished, it is much easier to extend a hand outward.

As you move into the dating world, you will be encountering all different types of people. Some are givers; some are takers, and it is not always evident at a first glance or even after many glances. That is why it is always a good idea to take your time getting to know someone.

Although seemingly innocuous, a people pleaser could actually use his/her skills to control his/her environment and the people who reside in it. If everyone is seemingly happy (because the people pleaser has fulfilled all wants and desires), then all should be copacetic in his/her world. This type of people pleaser is one that never wants to rock the boat, so he/she sublimates his/her own needs and makes sure there are never any arguments or even minor disagreements.

Unfortunately, emotions that are continually pushed below the surface usually erupt and, when they do -- watch out! Often times, it is like a dormant volcano spewing out for the first time. Both parties are surprised by its virulence, for there was no warning in the calm life that was being led.

The acts of recognizing your inherent traits and then modifying the unhealthy ones both fall under the readiness process to complete before dating with intention. Of course, practice is always encouraged, for it is in these practice dates that we learn a lot about ourselves.

As for people pleasing … never fear; there are ways to mitigate this tendency!

Recognize that fear can reside underneath the desire to continually please. It is usually a fear of rejection, if the pleaser would stop catering to those closest in his/her life. Since all actions stem from two emotions, love or fear, change the motivating factor in yours to love. This includes learning to love and respect yourself and your own time. Realize and accept that you can be a caring, loving (and even pleasing) person towards others at the same time you can care, love and please yourself.

Finding Love After Loss: Organizing Your Dating Life

;

When dating becomes your full time job,

it becomes necessary to use the right tools 

to keep track of your prospective dates.

Sixteen years ago, I found myself a young widow with two sons to raise on my own. At first the world was a dark place, and I needed to learn how to survive the slings and arrows of everyday life as a single, bereaved parent. After mastering that task, next, I set out to learn how to thrive in my new situation and environment … or what had become my new normal.

Dating was the last thing on my mind, although the occasional thought that it might be nice to have a new partner with whom to share my life did cross my mind. Many years down the road, I took the plunge and started Internet dating. Through this venue, I found a new happily ever after.

Let’s rewind, though, to the beginning of my adventure. And an adventure it was, which is the only way to think about dating in order to be successful! 

Diving into the dating pool was a big leap of faith for me because I knew NOTHING about how to date. My late husband was my one and only boyfriend, for I met him at the tender age of 15 and married at 20 upon our college graduations.

However, what I did know was how to be organized and set goals. As I excitedly embarked upon my new journey, I decided I would use my organizational skills and business tools to keep track of my dates. After all, at this point in my life, dating had become my new job. Consequently, I thought the best course of action would be to use the business tools at my disposal! 

Brenda Spangrud of S.O.R.T.E.D. suggests using systems that are accommodating, easy to use, and which don’t require weekend catch-up sessions to get things back in order. And that is exactly the type of program I implemented.

For those of you who have never Internet dated, upon posting a profile with a dating site, you immediately become a target for a tremendous amount of e-mail contact. You are the “new kid on the block” and everyone is anxious to meet you … at least in cyberspace. It can actually be overwhelming, if you are not prepared for the onslaught. And, if you have signed onto multiple sites at the same time, you exponentially increase the communications you will receive.

Thinking organizationally, I pondered what would be the best way to handle this situation and which tools would provide the most expedient result. I decided to use both Word and Excel. 

There is usually an introductory get to know you e-mail that is sent to prospective dates. I thought, “Why should I write basically the same paragraph repeatedly?” Instead, I penned a response in Word and then simply copied and pasted it into my correspondence. This gave me the opportunity to have a few extra moments to personalize the salutation and add a few lines at the end that showed I actually read the person’s profile! 

My master file also included a recap of personal tidbits I thought appropriate to share with prospective dates. I could then pick and choose which were applicable and the timing in which I would send them. 

Additionally, I had the standard rejection note in my Word document, which read: “Thank you for connecting with me. I don’t believe we are a match, though. I wish you the best of luck in your dating endeavors.” I am a big stickler for courtesy, so even if I wasn’t interested, I felt it necessary to acknowledge a contact. Cyberspace can be a cruel place, and it only takes a minute to respond – especially if it only means copying and pasting!

Using “stock” answers may seem cold, but when your mailbox is filled with queries, there is no possible way you could answer each one if you had to start from scratch every time. I’m not suggesting this procedure be used for long – only at the inception of the contact. This way you can review your correspondence and figure out which ones spark your interest enough to continue communicating.

So, here I was corresponding with many men at the same time and sometimes having a coffee date, a lunch date and a dinner date on the same day! 

As an aside I chose three places where I always scheduled my first meetings. If it was just coffee, then I suggested a French cafeteria, Le Madeleine, where there was the option of getting a snack also. For lunch or dinner, my choice was Sammy’s, a California Kitchen-like restaurant, which had a nice variety of very reasonably priced salads and light fare. If we were meeting for a drink, I chose Z Tejas, a comfortable place to have a drink, and, if things went well, the date could progress to a meal. These were conveniently located near to my home and all in the same well-lit shopping plaza. 

I frequented Le Madeleine the most often, and I always wondered if the staff thought I was a “working girl” who never came in with the same man twice. It made me chuckle to myself every time and was one of the things that kept a smile on my face throughout the date!

However, I digress … so how was I going to keep track at which stage I was with each man, for example, was I on date two or three or which information about me had I already sent by e-mail? This is where the use of the Excel spreadsheet was invaluable.

I had a master list that included those with whom I had initiated contact and the ones who had contacted me first. Excel also gives you the option to copy a profile picture into your file. This helps to link names and faces. The master list is important because many people are on multiple sites and sometimes use different “handles” as a user name. You want to make sure you are not contacting the same person more than once or they you. If one rejection is hard enough, two from the same person is certainly not twice as much fun!

You can also utilize the multiple tabs Excel offers. There are many people with whom you will only interact once. There are some that will make the cut for a second or third date.** By the time you are at your third date, you can discard the spreadsheet because your interactions will be more personalized. However, if the relationship goes further, you may want to copy and paste the e-mails exchanged into a Word document. This lets you remember what you said and the response you received. Reading these more than once can give you added insight into a person who you don’t know well. It is also easier to have them in one place, rather than having to refresh your memory by flipping back and forth between past e-mails. 

**Note: In my dating career, I did institute the “Two-to-Three Date” Rule, which says you should give a date more than one chance (and preferably three) before writing him or her off completely. These are strangers you are meeting and you don’t know what is going on in their lives that might cause them to be nervous, shy, tongue-tied, etc. on a first date. By a third date, you should be able to determine whether the relationship is worth pursuing further.

Utilizing both Word and Excel for tracking purposes in the manner I have outlined will allow the dating process to be less intimidating and time-consuming, as well as provide the opportunity to meet many more people. Dating is really a numbers game; the more people you meet, the better your chance of meeting someone special with whom you can connect on a deeper level.

It is possible to be organized AND have lots of fun! It worked for me, and it can work for you! I met my husband only after 11 months of Internet dating, and we have been happily married for 8 years.

Rather listen than read about organizing your dating life? Watch the video.

Examining The Institution of Marriage, Part II

The divorce rate in the United States for a first marriage is 41%; for a second marriage, 60%; and for a third marriage, 73% (per DivorceRate.org). Pretty depressing statistics, especially as they rise with subsequent marriages. Logically, you might think that one would learn some lessons after the first time and use these in a subsequent relationship. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Let’s try to understand why.

As you begin your dating forays, you may encounter many men and women who are divorced after being married for 25 to 30 years. When you inquire what led to this turn of events, even the participants cannot give you a concrete answer. I would venture to guess that they lived in an unsatisfactory or unfulfilling state for a long time in order to give their children a stable upbringing. When the children came of age and left the family nest, these people decided to see if there was anything “more” out there.

The painful truth is that generally they are not able to find more, for it is their attitude towards life, relationships, and love that make them feel lacking or unfulfilled. A new partner will not be able to fill up that hole in their soul. They may experience the exhilaration of a new romantic relationship, but soon the shine will fade and they will be left with the same feeling of melancholy and want.

They are not necessarily to blame, though. Society has programmed its members to think of marriage as the pinnacle of relationship success, while, in fact, it is simply a social institution originally conceived to bring financial comfort and emotional stability to its participants, as well as being a vehicle for having children. As children, we had a romanticized version of marriage ingrained in our brains and so we grow up thinking that our partner will “telepathically know our thoughts; the relationship will be conflict free; and our partner will make us feel fulfilled on all levels.” This leaves most people unprepared for marriage, for it is hard work to live with another person.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with marriage, although you must look at it realistically. Marriage both “adds things to your life and takes things away.” It is necessary to pick your battles and decide “what part of yourself you’re willing to let go.” At times, you may also need to trade one feeling for another. You must decide which ones are important to you and, when you attain them, not be disappointed by their ramifications. Consider this pyramid of feelings as stated in Marriage Confidential and decide what you want. Is it stability, security and constancy, and, if so, are you willing to give up the highs of excitement sometimes associated with danger or lust?

Despite the high prevalence of divorce, people have not abandoned the institution. Mark Mather and Diana Lavery tell us that “although marriage rates have dropped among young adults, it is important to note that most young adults will go on to marry later in life. The probability of an adult getting married at some point during their lifetime is still nearly 90 percent.”

How can you avoid becoming a statistic?

The best antidote to divorce is to pick your partner well. Take your time to truly get to know your intended. Observe him or her in all types of situations. Discuss the vision of your life before you get married, which includes the possibility of children and finances, to name just two topics. Come to know his/her family and their eccentricities. This is often the best indicator of the type of behavior you can expect from your mate.

Before you step into marriage, it is also imperative to adjust your expectations. Once, women, especially, came to marriage inexperienced and untouched. There may have been arranged marriages or couples married young for convenience and economic reasons. Today, young adults are taking their time getting married and, most probably, have been a participant in other relationships. Women are also self-supporting and can have children without a husband, so the desperate need for marriage to accomplish one’s goals is tempered; instead, one looks for another to enhance his/her life. Yet, despite all these advances, women (and men too) expect marriage to be the answer to their problems. They want it all and may still harbor the thought of attaining the fairytale of romantic love.

Instead, Kristina Zurcher (as quoted by Haag in Marriage Confidential) says that marriages ideally should be “stronger, more lasting and about more than romantic love” which is after all a highly perishable good and may have a short expiry date (aka the honeymoon period).

Don’t get me wrong; I am not negating the romance part of a relationship. I’m all for it and believe you need to find something that makes you fall in love with your partner every day. However, to sustain a relationship for the long term, one must also be realistic and, above all, cultivate patience.

You simply cannot expect to be “happy” (whatever that means to you) every moment of every day. Also, you should not expect your partner to be responsible for your happiness; that is your job! Let go of narcissistic thoughts; it’s not always about you and what you need! Many times you must sublimate your feelings for the good of the relationship. Change is constant, so the wheel will turn and you and your needs will have a chance to be at the top, too.

So, if you are in the midst of a melancholy, low level conflict relationship and asking yourself “Should there be more?” OR “Why don’t I feel happier?” then look within and examine what it is that you think is missing and if you necessarily have to leave your relationship to get it. This constitutes part of the “work” you must do to nurture your relationship. Contrary to popular thought, relationships are not disposable! Open your eyes to the opportunities that always surround you that can help you discover your passion and then bring your enthusiasm back to your relationship vs leaving the relationship in order to pursue it. Your inner excitement can be contagious and rekindle the fire of love with your partner!

Marriages, and relationships in general, do not have to turn into hotbeds of discontent over the long haul, as long as the partners strive to keep it alive and vibrant … and, all the while, BEING NICE to each other.