Being Subservient

Within a few weeks of the commencement of our dating, my husband-to-be made, what I thought at the time, an outrageous statement – one that made me wonder whether this was the guy for me.

He said, "I believe a partner should be subservient."

Wanting to make sure I heard and understood him correctly, I queried, "You think that I should be subservient to you?" To which he answered, "Yes."

I looked at him in astonishment while I was thinking, "From what century is this guy?" However, since I didn't know him very well yet, I thought I would try to understand his line of thinking.

With a twinkle in his eye, he continued on. "Not only should you be subservient to me, but I should be subservient to you." Now, I thought, we seemed to be getting somewhere! Slave boy – hmmm – that could be interesting!

Seriously, though, I thought it necessary for him to define his terms. If I went according to Webster's definition of subservient, which is behavior that is characterized by extreme compliance, abject obedience, or an exaggerated deference of manner, then our budding relationship couldn't end soon enough for me!

He went on to explain that he meant it in the mildest of terms. He believed that if we each put the other's best interests first, then we, in essence, would be making ourselves subservient to each other. And although I didn't care for the usage of the word "subservient" (for to me it brought up negative images), his beliefs were not far removed from my own.

If you consider that one of the tenets of a successful relationship is for each partner to put his or her own every desire on hold for the good of the relationship, then the concept of subservience is practiced every day by couples.

Moreover, if you accept that everything in life is dual in nature, then included in that broad statement is how we perceive situations – and words too. On first hearing, usually "being subservient" holds a negative connotation; however, there are also positive usages of that term – some of which include:

1.  Being polite – even when faced with negative behavior

2.  Not making your partner wrong – even when you disagree (agreeing to disagree)

3.  Listening to opposing viewpoints with an open heart and mind

4.  Painting the picture of your partner into the landscape of your life – wherever you are and whatever you may be doing

5. Completing tasks you rather not do simply because it will assist your partner and/or relieve his/her stress

In general, if we can take a giant step back and remove the emotional charge normally associated with strong words, it allows us to reach neutral. It is from this place of neutrality where we can look at both the positive and negative aspects of these words/concepts.

Keep in mind, reaching neutral does not mean negating your initial emotions. For example, I was quite taken aback when my husband-to-be suggested we each be subservient, and I allowed myself to react and feel that emotion. However, I was also open to listening to an explanation and this brought me to a neutral place where I could release the emotional charge I associated with the term. In this calm state of mind, I could hear his explanation and come to understand his belief system.

Commitment

The last in this series of posts is a topic many find scary – commitment. We bandy that term around easily, but what does it truly mean to be in a “committed” relationship? And what needs to happen in this type of relationship?

In The Psychology of Romantic Love, What Love Is, Why Love Is Born, Why It Sometimes Grows, Why It Sometimes Dies, Dr. Nathaniel Branden states, “Commitment means the acceptance without resistance or denial of the importance of the other person to our life. It means that we experience our partner as essential to our happiness and are at peace with this fact. But it means more than that: it means that our experience of self interest has expanded to include the interests of the person we love, so that the happiness and well being of our partner becomes a matter of our personal, selfish concern.

Without any denial or loss of individuality, there is the sense of being a unit, especially in regard to the rest of the world. There is the sense of an alliance: whoever harms my partner harms me. And more: the protection and preservation of the relationship exists on my highest level of priorities, which means that I do not knowingly or deliberately act so as to jeopardize our relationship. Profoundly respecting the needs of the relationship, I try to be responsive to those needs to the best of my ability.

It is easy enough to see that if this is the meaning of commitment, most marriages exist with far less than a full measure of commitment on the part of those involved. Marriage is too difficult and hazardous an undertaking to be entered into without total, unreserved enthusiasm. And the ability to make the kind of commitment that marriage logically requires presupposes a reasonable level of maturity. It presupposes, among other things, the wisdom to choose a partner with whom sustaining such a commitment is realistically possible.

The sustaining of romantic love requires two attitudes or policies that superficially may appear contradictory. One is the ability to be in the present, to be in the moment. The other is the ability to hold an abstract perspective on one’s life and not get lost in the concretes that may immediately confront us. We realize that this is not a contradiction when we acknowledge that it is necessary both to see the trees and the forest.

One of the characteristics of mature love is the ability to know that we can love our partner deeply and nonetheless know moments of feeling enraged, bored, alienated, and that the validity and value of our relationship is not to be judged by moment to moment, day to day, or even week to week fluctuation in feelings. There is a fundamental equanimity, an equanimity born of the knowledge that we have a history with our partner, we have a context, and we do not drop that context under the pressure of immediate vicissitudes. We remember. We retain the ability to see the whole picture. We do not reduce our partner to his or her last bit of behavior and define him or her solely by means of it.”

And so ends my rather lengthy breakdown of Dr. Branden's book. I, obviously, feel it is a treasure and can be used as a fountain of knowledge to be sipped many times over. The Psychology of Romantic Love is currently out of print, but can be found at your local library. Dr. Branden has authored many other books too, which can be accessed through his website at http://www.nathanielbranden.com

Sex As An Expression of Love

In The Psychology of Romantic Love, What Love Is, Why Love Is Born, Why It Sometimes Grows, Why It Sometimes Dies, Dr. Branden differentiates between love and sex.

“Sex and love, though related, are obviously different. We recognize that sexual desire does not necessarily entail love. We recognize that gratifying sexual experiences can occur without great love. That is not the point. We recognize also that the greatest and most intense sexual experiences occur in the context of love, occur as an expression of love.

When sex is experienced as a vehicle for self worship and for the worship of our partner; when sex is experienced as expression of our aliveness, of our joy in being, then a major road has been opened to the fulfillment of romantic love.

Through the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure lovers continually reaffirm that they are a source of joy to each other. Joy is a nutrient of love: it makes love grow.”

And although a sexually passionate relationship is a wonderful thing, eventually, you do have to get out of bed. And if you don’t like each other out of bed, then even the best sexual gymnastics will not be able to keep a relationship alive for the long term.

Dr. Branden continues,“While acknowledging the importance of sexual passion, the fact remains that sexual passion alone cannot sustain a couple across a lifetime, cannot provide a sufficient support for all the weight a relationship must carry. Only admiration can do that. The admiration between two people is the most powerful support system a relationship can have, the most powerful foundation."

Here is my thoughts on sex and love ...

Magic

Making love is a sacred trust given to each other by two committed partners.
It says I am yours and you are mine alone,
and I can feel safe with both my body and mind unrobed.

Without this willingness to let down barriers and defenses,
then one cannot truly experience the ultimate gift of reciprocal love.

This trust allows each time partners come together to be as magical as the very first time.

That exciting moment when skin touches skin fire is ignited as lovers look deeply into each other’s eyes and slowly the dance of love begins.

Where there is only lust, the body is simply caressed,
but, when there is love, the soul is also nurtured and made to soar.

Serious yet fun.

A time to revel in all one’s senses, and to feel
that you and your partner are the only ones who could possibly feel this alive.

There is no greediness, no embarrassment, no rush for satisfaction,
for your own satisfaction comes in making your partner reach the pinnacle of ecstasy and to have pleasure become a long lasting cascading fountain.

Lovemaking is like the ocean tide, as it slowly ebbs and flow and then reaches its crescendo as the waves come tumbling in -- crashing over each other in exuberance and joy.

And just as the tide goes out to sea and the ocean becomes calm once again,
the lover lies replete — arm in arm — feeling serene, so very safe, and ready to face the world knowing that this island of tranquility exists and can be revisited in a moment’s time.

Is Having and Maintaining a Relationship Your Top Priority?

So many of us are busy with jobs, family and other social obligations. We say we want a relationship, but can’t seem to find the time to look for one and/or develop it if someone interesting is found. Before entering a relationship, one needs to examine his/her priorities and decide if there is a willingness to make time to share life with another.

In The Psychology of Romantic Love, What Love Is, Why Love Is Born, Why It Sometimes Grows, Why It Sometimes Dies, Dr. Branden states, “You need to make time for each other and for the relationship. When and if you decide that love really matters to you as much as your work, when success in your relationship with this man/woman becomes as much an imperative as success in your career, you won’t ask “How does one find the time?” You’ll know how one does it.

A bigger time threat comes from our relationships or obligations. The time that we and our partner spend in the company of friends or colleagues can be a source of pleasure, but it’s not a substitute for time spent alone together. Nothing is. Evenings spent with people who do not matter to us, or do not matter nearly as much as the one we love, cannot be reclaimed at a later date, cannot be taken back and relived. It is now or never.”

When a person says he or she wants to find a new partner, I always ask the three questions: Are you ready? Are you willing? and Are you able? The answers to these questions will be a good indication if you are just "wishing or thinking" about a new relationship or if you are "willing" to take advantage of every opportunity put in your path in order to find one.

Next Up ... Sex As An Expression of Love

Conflict: A Chance for Growth

Sometimes we think if we become angry with our partner, this may lead to the eventual dissolution of the union. The opposite is true. The repression of anger eats us up inside; it makes us more angry because we do not feel comfortable to openly discuss our concerns, which leads to more frustration and unhappiness. There is, of course, a right way and a wrong way to discuss a problem. An accusatory manner serves neither party. However, the willingness of both partners to have an open discussion of how certain behaviors make another feel is a reasonable expectation in a good relationship.

In The Psychology of Romantic Love, What Love Is, Why Love Is Born, Why It Sometimes Grows, Why It Sometimes Dies, Dr. Branden states, “Relationships are not destroyed by honest expressions of anger. But relationships die every day as a consequence of anger that is not expressed. The repression of anger kills love, kills sex, kills passion. In order to repress anger, we often turn off to the person who has inspired the anger. We solve the problem of our anger by making ourselves numb. Relationships are buried by such solutions.

It is in our self interest to know that if our partner is angry at us, he or she will tell us so. It is not to our self interest to have one who never complains about things that hurt or anger him or her. The willingness to share our pain, our fear, and our anger serves the growth of romantic love.”

Sometimes it is more important how something is said, rather than what is actually said. Remember back to when your relationship started. Weren’t you so polite to each other – always thanking one another for the small niceties? Well, it is important to FOREVER exhibit this behavior. We would never treat our friends like some people treat their partners. Speaking to one another respectfully with care and politeness goes a long way in keeping love alive. Liking, as well as loving, a partner is also so very important.

Dr. Branden goes on to say, “If we wish to understand why with one couple love seems to grow and why with another love dies, it is instructive to watch how the woman and man talk to and related to each other – how they communicate.

We know that nothing gives us the experience of being loved as much as when we feel that we are a source of joy to our partner. The smile of pleasure on our partner’s face when we enter the room, a glance of admiration aimed at something we have done, an expression of sexual desire or excitement, an interest in what we are thinking or feeling, a recognition of what we are thinking or feeling even when we have not explained, a conveyed sense of joy from being in contact with us or simply from watching us – these are the means by which the experience of visibility and of being loved are created, are made real to us. And these are the means by which we create the experience for our partner.”

Don’t be afraid to be childlike in your appreciation of your partner. Be open and show your love in all different ways. Be excited by and for your partner in all endeavors. Excitement is contagious.

Dr. Branden continues, “Can anything be more inspiring than to allow our partner to see the excitement that he or she stimulates in us? Unfortunately many of us were raised to conceal such excitement, to subdue and submerge it, to extinguish it in order to appear grown up so we are afraid to let our partner see how much we feel, how much love radiates through us, how much pleasure our mate can inspire. Or perhaps we want to express it, we want to communicate it, and it is our partner who withdraws, who turns us off, who signals that such messages are better left uncommunicated, because our partner is made anxious by excitement, even by the excitement that he or she ignites. But fear of excitement kills romantic love. Never marry a person who is not a friend of your excitement.”

In conclusion, conflict is not something to fear -- as long as it is recognized and addressed properly. If resolved with respect for a partner, it actually will lead to a strengthening of the union. As a word of caution, be wary of a partner who never complains, never says anything is wrong. He or she may very well be a time bomb waiting to explode.

Next Up ... Is Having and Maintaining A Relationship Your Top Priority?

When Is The "Honeymoon" Over?

At the start of a relationship, or, as some people refer to it, the “honeymoon period”, partners look at each other with stars in their eyes. Annoying habits may be regarded as cute; no one is rocking the boat; both are enjoying the excitement of early courtship; and all the layers of the true self have not been revealed. When this “fantasy” world is eventually brought to ground, if reality is not as pretty, then the relationship can falter.

In The Psychology of Romantic Love, What Love Is, Why Love Is Born, Why It Sometimes Grows, Why It Sometimes Dies, Dr. Branden states, “One of the clearest requirements for a successful romantic relationship is that it be based on a foundation of realism. This is the ability and willingness to see our partner as he or she is, with shortcoming as well as virtues, rather than attempting to carry on a romance with a fantasy.When and if we choose to see our partner realistically, not deceiving ourselves, love, if it is real in the first place, has the best of all opportunities to grow."

Feeling safe to disclose one’s inner thoughts is a hallmark of a deepening relationship. It is, of course, necessary to be in touch with these inner thoughts and truly understand them yourself.

Allowing another to see all sides –- the dark and the light -– and sensing an acceptance as a complete person who has human failings, creates an atmosphere of trust. With that inherent trust and acceptance, love can bloom.

To go one step further, trust and acceptance do not necessarily mean agreement with a partner’s thoughts and actions. Dr Branden says, "You can’t expect a partner to applaud your every action – only to offer an atmosphere where we can express ourselves without fear of moral condemnation or attack – in an atmosphere of respect and acceptance. We can only give our partner what we can give ourselves."

Next up ... Conflict: A Chance For Growth

It's Me, Not You!

In relationships, it is really important not to take things personally. Remember, sometimes it just isn't about YOU!

Each individual has his/her own “stuff” with which to deal and unless you are privy to it, you cannot possibly know why he/she responds in a certain manner. Sometimes this is referred to as “pushing one’s buttons.” Due to past hurts or familial patterns, no matter what you say to someone, he or she will react badly.

Additionally, in a healthy relationship, there exists a sense of individuality as well as a partnership entity. At times, one individual might be preoccupied with his/her own thoughts and not focus on the relationship. This should not be taken as an affront or a time to panic and think that the relationship is faltering (unless this is a continual occurrence).

In The Psychology of Romantic Love, What Love Is, Why Love Is Born, Why It Sometimes Grows, Why It Sometimes Dies, Dr. Branden states, “In the best of relationships there are occasional frictions, unavoidable hurts, times when individuals miss one another in their responses. The tendency of non-autonomous, immature individuals is to translate such incidents into evidence of rejection, evidence of not really being loved, so small frictions or failures of communication are easily escalated into major conflicts.

Autonomous individuals have a greater capacity to roll with the punches, to see the normal frictions of everyday life in realistic perspective, not to get their feelings hurt over trivia, or even if they are hurt occasionally not to catastrophize such moments.

Further, autonomous individuals respect their partner’s need to follow his or her own destiny, to be alone sometimes, to be preoccupied sometimes, not to be thinking about the relationship sometimes, but rather about other vital matters that may not even involve the partner in any direct sense, such as work, personal unfolding and evolution, personal developmental needs.

So autonomous individuals do not always need to be “center stage,” do not need always to be the focus of attention, do not panic when the partner is mentally preoccupied elsewhere. Autonomous individuals give this freedom to themselves as well as to those they love. This is the reason why, between autonomous men and women, romantic love can grow. And this the reason why, between non-autonomous men and women, romantic love so often dies; panicky clinging suffocates love.

No matter how passionate the commitment and devotion autonomous men and women my feel toward the one they love, there is still the recognition that space must exist, freedom must exist, sometimes aloneness must exist. There is the recognition that no matter how intensely we love, we are none of us “only” lovers – we are also, in a broader sense, evolving human beings.”

These are important points to keep in mind for those who are entering new relationships after having been single for quite some time. Singlehood has taught you how to be independent. It has given you time to fully concentrate on yourself without regard for a partner. And, even though you might have been lonely, it is easy to become accustomed to this "me" thinking. You might like to continue to have some time when you focus on yourself and not on your new relationship -- and that's perfectly healthy when in a relationship with another autonomous person. This is part of your evolution into the "new you."

Additionally, you might recall that after losing your partner, it was necessary for you to switch from couples thinking to singles thinking. Now, you must adjust your thinking again -- back to couples thinking so that you can start painting the picture of your partner into the landscape of your life. And he or she always remains there, even if you take a small respite to think about you!

Next up ... When Is The Honeymoon Over?