Finding Love After Loss: Are You Stuck?

You’ve decided that you are ready to step into the world of dating and have tentatively dipped your toes in the water. You’re not having much luck, though. In fact, you feel kind of stuck and can’t seem to gain any momentum.

Let’s look at some areas which might be hampering your success and see how you can make some changes in your approach.

Time

During your lifetime, you have probably spent a lot of time looking for a new job, a new home, or the right schools for your children. Isn’t a relationship just as important, and are you affording yourself the same time to look for one? 

Dating that will eventually result in finding a new partner is a process that requires time and focus. Your result has a direct correlation to the effort you expend. So, if you want a haphazard result, go about dating in a haphazard manner. Conversely, if you want a terrific result then devote enough time to getting out into the social scene, meeting new people and eventually dating one-on-one. 

Even if you are a very busy person, if you deem dating and relationship development important then you will find the time to partake in the right types of activities to reach your goal.

Energy

Every item in the universe is comprised of energy – of positive and negative charges in constant motion. Your spirit is comprised of energy as well, and your body is the “life support” system for the energy of this spirit. In order to realize your own power, you must examine how you exchange energy with those who surround you. 

In this world of energy, the universe is simply a giant mirror that reflects back whatever you project out to it. Consequently, if you are not receiving positive energy from others or you are confronting difficult situations, examine what you are projecting out.

You need to be the person you want to meet. Also, remember that if you smile at the world, it will smile back at you!

Action

At a social function, are you a wallflower who languishes in the background simply hoping someone comes by to talk to you? Who said you have to wait for someone else to make the first move? Moreover, if everyone is waiting for someone else to start the conversation, there isn’t going to be a whole lot of talking going on! So, take action, and just start talking. You can apply this principle in a coffee shop, the grocery store, or wherever your travels take you. 

To get unstuck, adjust your attitude in the preceding three areas: Energy + Action + Time. 

As a reminder to be vigilant in these three areas, remember the first letter of each word: E+A+T. 

Think: what do you do when you are hungry? You EAT, of course. 

Now, you can also have a big appetite for success, power, love, etc. 

So if you are "hungry" for love, then use your Energy and Time appropriately in all your Actions to reap the greatest benefit and to find the partner you seek.

 

Sex and Money

You have probably heard many times that sex and money are the top two issues about which couples fight. However, since there are only two core emotions in the universe (love and fear) and all other emotions stem from these two, it seems likely that at the root of sexual and financial issues is fear.

In regard to sex, partners may harbor a fear of rejection; of not being confident in their physical appearance; of true intimacy; of aging issues; of physical limitations and on and on. This fear may manifest by pushing your partner away, even though what you long for is to be close. (As an aside, did you ever say to your partner, "Not tonight, honey. I have a headache." It turns out that sex is one of the best remedies for a headache. As it pulls the blood towards "other" body parts, the pounding in your head soon subsides!)

Money issues also stir up a lot of fear. For example, if one person is a spender and the other a saver, the former may feel the need to satisfy urges in the moment, while the latter is afraid of not having enough funds to last a lifetime. Looking beyond the issue, the spender may be a fatalist who feels his/her days are numbered and fully enjoying the present helps to assuage that fear. A saver may have had a poverty consciousness ingrained in his/her head as a child, and, therefore, is very afraid of not having more than enough of a financial cushion. So each partner comes to financial discussions with his/her own fears and the conflict about money is really not about money at all.

So underneath the excuses for conflict, if relationship issues are really about fear -- what else stirs up the pot in the relationship arena?

Here are three big issues.
1. Taking a relationship for granted.
2. Actions misunderstood and underappreciated.
3. Allowing conflict/arguments to spiral out of control.

Let's discuss how to avoid these pitfalls.

Taking A Relationship For Granted

We all have busy lives, and it is very easy to become overwhelmed by one's responsibilities and slip into mindless routines to get the job done. One of the fastest ways to douse the flames of love is to accomplish your tasks by putting your relationship last on your "to do" list. Love needs to be nourished and partners need to be reminded as to why they fell in love and with whom they fell in love.

One suggestion is make a date night. You don't have to even leave the house! Make a special dinner, watch a movie, cuddle up and talk. The point is to give your undivided and uninterrupted attention to your partner. Here's a simple date night in which my late husband and I participated. On Fridays, he left work a little early and we went out for an early dinner. On the way home, we would do our weekly food shopping. We would stroll down the aisles, hand-in-hand, and decide and plan the menus for the following week. We would stop for dessert at the bakery and sit for a few moments and connect. Remember ... it doesn't matter the activity; the important thing is that you and your partner are doing something TOGETHER! 

Actions Misunderstood and Feeling Underappreciated

Most are familiar with the Golden Rule, which states "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." In essence, you should treat others the way you want to be treated. In relationships, I believe you should take this one step further and also institute the Platinum Rule. This rule states that you should take into consideration what your partner truly wants and provide it for him/her, instead of simply giving what would make you happy or what you "assume" would make him/her happy. 

Here's an example. Suppose you are the type of person who likes to be left alone when you are sick, which means burrowing into your cave by not talking to anyone, not being pampered, etc., while your partner is the ultimate caregiver. So, even though out of love and concern, the caretaker wants to bring the partner chicken soup, fluff the pillows, etc, he/she must respect the other's need to be left alone. That is doing what the partner wants/needs rather than satisfying his/her own innate need to give comfort. 

The bottom line? If you want to be understood, clearly state what you want and need and don't ASS-U-ME (because you know what that means!) your partner has that information. No one is a mind reader. If you want to be appreciated, help your partner in a way he/she finds most comfortable and not the way you want to show your love. Moreover, remember to use your manners with your family members. Being polite and saying please and thank you goes a very long way towards making one feel special.

Allowing Conflict/Arguments To Spiral Out of Control

All couples have conflict. It's a natural consequence of living intimately with another person. If you are exactly the same as your partner, one of you would be unnecessary! Consequently, conflict isn't the problem -- how we handle it, though, can create a multitude of issues.

It's always good to cool off before speaking to your partner about an issue. Ask to set aside a time when you can discuss. In this way, you don't ambush your partner by putting him/her on the defensive by stating those ominous words, "We have to talk."

Words said in the heat of the moment tend to be harsh and blame rather than look for solutions. Search for ways that you and your partner can both be right or, at a minimum, agree to disagree. If you are wrong or can rethink your position after listening to your partner's side of the story, don't be afraid to admit you made a mistake; that shows great character. Finish your discussion with good feelings about each other's ability to work out conflict and forge compromises.

In conclusion, when issues arise in a relationship, I suggest to look below the surface to discover the "real" issue and what fear is being ignited within you by a particular set of circumstances. Find ways to quiet the fear and conflicts can be resolved in a peaceful, healthy and successful manner.

Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story

Writing the rest of your story ... what does that involve and how do you start?

Let's imagine that your life up to now has been a movie, aptly named "The Story of My Life, Part I." You held the starring role, surrounded yourself with a wonderful and loving cast of supporting actors, and, to top it off, you and your co-star were deeply in love. When this movie was over and "The End" scrawled across the screen, naturally, you were very sad, disappointed and unsatisfied. Perhaps you wanted to stand up and shout, "This is NOT the way it was supposed to end. I signed on for a role in happily ever after, and I got stuck playing a role I didn't and still don't want. 

Well, the "movie studio" does not have the power to remake this film. However, there are always sequels in which wrongs can be righted and happy endings may be found. You decide to audition for "The Story of My Life, Part II." And to make sure things go your way this time, you decide to be a triple threat. You will be the star, the director and the producer! This movie will begin at your current age and status and, perhaps, have a quick flashback so that the audience can see how you arrived in this place. 

The producer may be the "money-man" behind the scenes, but as the director, you are in charge of how the movie unfolds. This means you have the power to cut away the obstacles that may hamper your success. You must also have a clear vision of how the movie will end ... or at least how Part II will end. After all, you wish to star in sequel after sequel!  

By imagining the endpoint before you start filming, you are the shaping the big picture vision of your life. With clear cut goals, you can then begin to turn your imaginings or fantasies into reality.

Before you start filming, here are just a few questions to ponder.

~What is the name of your movie (other than Part II)?

~What is the overarching theme of the movie?

~Will the viewer learn any lessons from this movie?

~Are there scenes in this movie that you expect will be hard to play? If so, how can you prepare for them?

~Who will be your leading co-star?

~Who will comprise the supporting cast?

~How do you want the viewer to feel as he/she watches this movie?

~How does the movie (or this sequel) end?

All movies require lots of preparatory work, which can include scouting locations and developing the wardrobe, for example. The initial filming is usually spliced into a rough cut with some scenes eliminated and others redone. Lastly, it is edited into the final product. 

Similarly, in your "real" life, you must prepare yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually to move into a new phase of your life. Just like a movie director, you can try out different ideas and locations and discard (or cut out) what doesn't work. The further along you are in your process, the more you refine what the final "product" (or your new life) will look like.

Who's ready to say -- Lights, Camera, ACTION?

Finding Love After Loss: Do You Need To Be Right?

Everyone likes to be right! However, in the midst of a relationship -- be it personal or professional -- is it more important to be "right" or to get the result that you desire?

Although conflict approached in a healthy manner can be beneficial to a relationship, incessant arguing and the need to be "top dog" decreases contentment and happiness. After a while, you come to expect an argument about every little thing and you become tense at each interaction with your partner. In this scenario, even when there is no conflict, you start looking for it or even hearing it in benign comments.

This circumstance can be the start of a downward spiral in a relationship. Now, when an argument crops up, you may be thinking about past hurts and letting this infringe on the current situation. This is not fair to either partner.

Next, doubt about your partner can begin to seep in. Doubting your partner, or not fully supporting him or her, can separate the two of you even more. Intimacy and trust are stretched to the limit when one partner feels he/she cannot reveal his/her innermost thoughts and fears without full and continued acceptance.

So what can you do to halt this cycle?

It is unrealistic to think that two people living in close proximity every day are never going to have conflict. Of course, you can choose not to participate in every argument to which you are invited to join!! You can take a step back and ask if the situation can be discussed at a more appropriate time.

It is best to approach an issue in a non-confrontational or non-accusatory manner. Use "I messages" rather than pointing a finger at your partner. Moreover, choose a time to discuss a problem when you are both relaxed and not highly emotional. This will allow you to hear what the other has to say with open ears and a more open heart. When your partner realizes that he or she need not cringe in fear of criticism from you, defensiveness is able to melt away and trust can be restored.

Partners need not be "Yes men or women" and never voice their opinions. However, you can agree to disagree and both partners can be winners rather than one feeling dejected and beat up by the other.  The need to always be right may satisfy your ego, but it can have a very detrimental effect on a relationship. Choose the result you want!

Finding Love After Loss: Is Silence Golden?

I am not a chatty person. Don't get me wrong! I can hold my own in the conversation arena, but I am also a big fan of silence.

I agree with Count Vittorio Alfieri who stated, "There is a silence, the child of love, which expresses everything and proclaims more loudly than the tongue is able to do."

In a relationship, it is important to possess the ability to have lively and interesting conversation, but in planning a long life with a partner, the ability to say 'I love you' in silence rates right up at the top of the list too!

When it comes to expressing love, here's my take on silence vs words.

Listen

There is more love in silence than words --

that special look, the fondness in the eyes, the soaring of the heart

Words cannot possibly express a feeling so powerful and strong,

for we need our hands and bodies, which are limbs of feeling,

to express the emotions of love

Words merely circle and sometimes complicate

how our bodies wish to sing

Not eloquent with words,

a simple caring caress will speak volumes to the recipient

And for those more expressive,

without the synchronicity of heart and body, the words will fall on deaf ears

Valentine's Day: A Real or Contrived Holiday?

Valentine’s Day  -- a double edged day that reflects the natural duality of this planet.

While it can be a wonderful day for lovers to renew their commitment to each other, the single community usually dreads the onslaught of the media hype that surrounds the day.

Let’s take a hard look at Valentine’s Day and its true meaning. 

Historically speaking, there are quite a few theories on its origin, and, in fact, there were three St. Valentines. One theory states that St. Valentine was a bishop who held secret marriage ceremonies for soldiers and their intendeds. This was in opposition to Claudius II who had prohibited marriage for young men who were going into battle. Claudius felt that married men naturally held an emotional attachment for their families and thus did not make good soldiers.

Bishop Valentine was also said to have formed an attachment with a young woman and, before his execution by Claudius II on February 14, 270 AD, wrote her a letter which he signed “From Your Valentine.” This phrase has lived on to this day. After that, February 14 became known as a day for lovers and Valentine became its Patron Saint. On this day, young Romans sent handwritten notes of affection to the women they admired. These notes were called valentines. 

It wasn’t until the 14th Century that St. Valentine’s Day, or February 14th, became definitively associated with love, for this was a day that it was believed birds mated. A UCLA medieval scholar credited Chaucer with linking St. Valentine’s Day and romance in his “The Parliament of Fowls” where he wrote, “For this was on St. Valentine’s Day, when every fowl cometh there to choose his mate.”

The holiday evolved through the centuries and eventually made its way to the shores of the American colonies. During the 1840s, Valentine’s Day became commercialized by Esther A. Howland (aka the Mother of the Valentine) when she created the first greeting cards specifically for that day. (Source: The Holiday Spot)

The “holiday” as we celebrate it today seems a bit contrived when you look at it in the light of its history. And you can say my attitude is one of Bah, Humbug, but I really don’t like the day. Why is that? Because, in truth, it is really a day perpetuated by mass marketers. After all, who are the big winners of this commercialized holiday? Not the average person but rather greeting card makers, jewelry stores, candy makers, flower stores, and an assortment of other businesses. In fact, according to the Greeting Card Association, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines!

I ask you, since when should saying “I love you”, with or without gifts, come only once a year – especially when you feel obligated to do so from societal pressure? In my book, if Valentine’s Day is the only day my partner can muster up the enthusiasm to express his love, it doesn’t count. To keep a loving relationship vibrant, the partners need to find ways to “I love you” in lots of different ways and every day of the year. Of course, for couples who do express their feelings throughout the year, Valentine’s Day can just be a bonus.

If you find yourself alone on this day, try not to feel sorry for yourself. Instead, feel sorry for those who scurry to make Valentine’s Day a special occasion but either ignore their partners or do not give their relationships the reverence it deserves every other day of the year. Every day is a one that you can walk and live in love. I believe it is foolish to think love expressed with candy and flowers speaks louder than every day respect and a caring attitude.

Finding Love After Loss: Internet Dating and Your Profile Picture

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Apparently, if it is a representative photo. A study published in 2009 by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that you can learn valuable information about a stranger simply by looking at his or her picture.

The study had viewers look at two types of pictures of individuals. One was a controlled pose with a neutral facial expression and the other a more natural pose. Viewers then rated each person in the picture on ten personality characteristics. The study showed that viewers were able to accurately determine personality traits of the photographed people. In fact, when looking at the more naturally posed pictures, the judgments were accurate for nine out the traits rated, which included extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability, likability, self-esteem, loneliness, religious leanings and political orientation. The tenth trait, neuroticism, was very hard to detect on a first impression.

What does this mean for online dating sites and the way you post your profile?

Although we don't want to be only judged on outward appearance nor do we want to think we judge others on theirs, it is just a fact of nature that we are a visual species and, accordingly, we often make decisions based on what we observe ... if not consciously, then at least subconsciously.

That said, be very careful in choosing your profile picture for a dating site. You may be giving off more non-verbal clues than you realize. These might be influencing who contacts you and who does not.

Let's review some of the elements of which to be aware and their possible meanings. Remember, these are only some of the possibilities and not always true. They are just something for you to consider, especially if you find that you are not having much luck getting responses from prospective dates (or you are getting responses but not the type you want).

1. Smiling vs Neutral Expression

Smile: more extroverted. warm, open

Neutral: aloof, quiet, not confident

2. Stance: Stiff vs Relaxed

Stiff: uncomfortable in your own skin, stubborn, can't go with the flow, not physically agile

Relaxed: easy-going nature, fun-loving, energetic

3. Jewelry

Are you wearing a religious icon that indicates your affiliation. You may be so used to doing this that you think nothing of it. However, it may be regarded as a sign of religious devoutness.

4. Clothing/Grooming

Neat or messy?

Athletic wear or more formal wear?

Color of clothes: vibrant or dull?

In fashion or hopelessly outdated?

5. Background of Picture

Is it outdoorsy, in front of a church/temple, shows a house (size/location); shows a car (fancy vs heep); includes family members; includes a pet; against a foreign background indicating you are a traveler.

These are just a few points to keep in mind when choosing a picture for your profile. As a check-in, you might ask a friend to look at your picture and ask what he/she sees. You are making a statement about yourself and you want to be sure it is an accurate and representative one. 

Go forth and find that photograph that captures your essence!

Finding Love After Loss: Be S.M.A.R.T. in Your Approach

ACT S.M.A.R.T.

S.M.A.R.T. is another acronym to remind you about how to have a successful dating experience.

S=SPECIFIC

Remember the title to my newest book, In Order To Be Terrific, You Need To Be Specific! Define your goals, make a plan and then put your plan into action. 

M=MAYBE

Don't be so quick to write off dates after one encounter. As long as it isn't a definite NO, if you can't say YES, at least say MAYBE. Due to nervousness, shyness, or simply being inept at the dating process, a person may not be able to show you who he/she really is. Time is everyone's friend and all truths can come to light. Moreover, remember these are mostly strangers you are meeting (if dating via Internet). It is sometimes difficult to gauge someone's sense of humor, etc. from one meeting.

A=ATTAINABLE

There's someone for everyone, but you must be realistic when writing your "wish list." If you a 60-year old man who is not in the best of shape, you may be narrowing your chances of success if you only want to date 23-year old beach bunnies. Without overly restricting yourself, draw the picture of your "dream mate" with attainable attributes.

R=RELEVANT

When preparing for a date, read the latest books, magazines, newspaper, etc. so you will have plenty of fodder for chit-chat.

T=TIMELY

Be prompt when meeting your date. Return e-mails or phone calls in a timely manner. This is a show of respect and common courtesy. Be the person you want to meet!

Just five SMART tips to keep in mind!

Finding Love After Loss: Severing Positive and Negative Attachments

A reader recently posed the question, "How do you let go of a 30 year relationship? It's not easy and where do you start?"

No matter how a long term relationship ended -- be it by divorce or by death -- you have an attachment to it. In the case of the former, it might be a negative attachment. In the case of the latter, it is probably a positive attachment.

In both instances, in order to move forward, it will be necessary to sever your attachment.  This may seem harsh, especially if you loved your late spouse. However, taking this step is not the same as negating the relationship or "letting it go." In regard to widowhood, what you want to do is relocate the place your former relationship lives. It is no longer "front and center" but tucked away in a safe place in your heart. This is a place you can fondly visit, for example, when a memory comes up that reminds you of your late spouse. When you are able to think "relocation" instead of "letting go", guilt about moving forward in your life can be alleviated.

In the case of divorce, negative attachment can color your every thought and action going forward. It may stop you from trusting another partner and his/her actions; it can freeze your heart; it can make you bitter and angry. By accepting the fact that both you and your partner have human frailties that caused each of you to make mistakes, you can move closer towards forgiveness and even empathy for your former spouse. Think of forgiveness as a pair of scissors which you can use to cut the attachment.

In both scenarios, as you shed your attachment, you will notice a lighter feeling. Instead of expending energy on keeping these attachments intact, you can focus your attention on the concrete steps you can take to enhance your current life. This does require, however, a conscious decision to establish a new, healthy and happy life. It is, after all, your decision whether you want to remain mired in sadness, regret and negativity or to look for the joy in life and live in gratitude about what you do have rather than bemoan what you have lost -- be it a partner or perhaps years spend in unhappiness.

Now, don't get me wrong -- it is a lot easier to say all these things than to do them. It also requires time spent in introspective thought where you mourn your partner and the life you once knew AND then figure out the "new you" and what this "you" wants out of life.

In the next posting, I'll discuss how getting out of your comfort zone can help to move you forward.

Letting Go of Regrets

For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 
'It might have been.'

John Greenleaf Whittier

Are you experiencing feelings of regret? Are you stuck in could have, would have, should have thinking? And, are these holding you back from moving forward in your life and towards finding a new romantic partner?

As we near the end of 2010, take this opportunity to examine your life choices so that you may resolve any lingering regrets. This will allow you to step into the new year with a fresh slate ... ready, willing and able to reach your goals.

With your "baggage" tightly packed into the carry-on size, you can think about what you want to accomplish. One way to clarify what you want is to write a Life Mission Statement.

1. Think about what you consider to be the most important to you in life. Choose 3 items and write them down. Here are a few examples, although there are many more from which to choose.

"I want"

...to be content

...to embrace spirituality

...to be indendent in thought

...to be a true friend and for it to be reciprocated

...to be wise or have a mature understanding of life

...to have a pleasurable life

...to have excitement in my life

...to experience world peace

...to find mature love

...to have the ability to make a contribution

...to feel needed

...to feel inner harmony

...to have a comfortable life (security)

...to have self respect

...to be socially recognized

2. For each of the three you have chosen, write down three ways you demonstrate this value in your life and three ways you feel it in your soul. (see the example below after #4)

3. Choose the top answer in each category and use it in the following sentence.

In my life I am committed to _____________, _______________, and ______________. I choose to have that show up in my life by my commitment to ___________, _____________, and ________________. I demonstrate these values through _________________, ______________________, and ____________________________.

4. Read your statement aloud and refine it as necessary. You can start each day with your Mission Statement to help you focus on what is most important to you in life. Then go out and make it happen!

EXAMPLE

My Top 3 Values: Spirituality, Freedom and Mature Love

How I Demonstrate Each of These

Spirituality: writing, being kind/helpful, meditation

Freedom: walking to my own drumbeat, constructing my life journey, continually learning

Mature Love: behaving nicely, respecting other, listening to others

How I Feel About Each of These

Spirituality: accepting, recognizing my inner knowing, being present

Freedom: remaining uncluttered, connected to nature, releasing expectations

Mature Love: be at peace, be in acceptance, be responsive

Choosing from the above list, my Life Mission Statement might read:

In my life I am committed to spirituality, freedom and mature love. I choose to have that show up in my life by my commitment to recognizing my inner knowing, living a life that is not cluttered with negative thoughts (or by living in a state of positivity), and living in acceptance of my partner. I demonstrate these values through writing, walking to my own drumbeat, and behaving nicely.