I have
been a strict rule follower my whole life – crossing all the t’s and dotting
all the i’s. Consequently, I feel obligated to fulfill my responsibilities before taking any
pleasure.
Never
stepping over the line, my late husband’s suicide was an especially hard
concept for me to understand, for what goes more against societal rules than
taking one’s own life?
I
believe part of the lesson I needed to learn was that it is okay to put a toe
over the line now and again, and that the world will not stop in its tracks if
I do something just for me. I also had to learn to allow myself to consider my
own well-being while tending to those around me. Being a people pleaser,
ultimately, the lesson was learning that receiving is just another form of
giving – that is, by receiving you are allowing the giver to receive his/her
own satisfaction in that act toward you.
In my
quest to put these lessons into action and do something just because I wanted
to, I decided to have some light-hearted fun while doing something very
out-of-character. I auditioned for two game shows that were having tryouts in
my hometown!
My first
foray was with The Weakest Link. I had never even watched the show, but I
thought it might be fun to see what it was all about. There must have been 500
people all vying for 10 spots. After filling out the paperwork, we were
instructed, one by one, to stand up and state our name and one sentence about
ourselves. Ann Landers had passed away shortly before this tryout, so I told the
interviewer I was an author of self-help books and that since Ann was gone, I
was fully prepared to take her place. I guess that was a memorable statement
because I was picked to go on to the next round where a mini-version of the
game was played. I did not make it through this round, but it did give me the
confidence to try again.
A year
or so later, I saw an announcement on TV for open auditions for The Pyramid
game show, which was making a comeback with host Donny Osmond. I quickly wrote
down the 800 number and rushed to make my appointment. After many thwarted
tries and continuous busy signals, I finally reached a live person. Before
assigning me a time slot, I needed to answer various questions. The one that struck me the funniest was: "Are you a presidential candidate?"
Anyway –
I was in! Prospective contestants were advised that the producers were looking
for people with a pleasant smile; good verbal skills (who knew I would finally
get to use my college degree for something purposeful?); and someone to whom
the audience could relate and like right away.
As I prepared myself the morning
of the tryout, I struggled with the most important question: “What should I
wear?” I pondered, “Should I appear demure, or were they seeking a bolder look
to liven up the show?” I opted not to
push the envelope and settled for middle of the road – not too demure and not
too bold; however, I did wear red pants, so I would stand out. Of course, many
other people had the same bright idea, and I simply melted into the sea of red
– and it did not part in my wake!
Traveling
for a good hour, the mall where the tryouts would take place loomed large across
the freeway. I parked, and, as I approached the designated meeting place, I saw
the line had already started to form.
As we
stood there, the production assistants gave us nametags and took our picture
with the person standing next to us. About 15 minutes later, they came around
again to distribute them, tearing them in half and giving each of us our own photo.
One person on line remarked, “It's just like a break up when you keep the jagged
picture of yourself because you liked it and discard the other person.”
The
appointed time arrived, and we were let into the room where we filled out an
application and watched a tape of the show to acquaint us with how to play the
game. Next, a 30-question test was given. Five items were named, and we had to
put down the category name that tied them together.
Stated
at the outset was that it was a difficult test and not many people would score
high enough to be considered for the show. I really didn't think it was that
hard and was sure I got the answers right (of course except the one I had no
idea about and had to skip).
Unfortunately, the judges were not in agreement
with me, and I didn't make the cut. Of the original 75 prospective contestants,
all but eight were dismissed with the proviso that we were welcome to try out
again in six months. And with that, my fifteen minutes of fame (and a possible
$25,000) slipped through my fingers.
There
was a happy ending, though. This was the night I met my current husband. He
lived in close proximity to the mall, which was located in a side of town I
rarely visited.
So the point of this
tale is that sometimes feelings of grief, although indicative of a great loss,
allow us to be brave enough to have new experiences of which we never could
have conceived.
The 1947 Nobel Prize winner for literature, Andre Gide, shared
his belief that “man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to
lose sight of the shore.”
At times, it is the right thing to loosen your grip
on the “old you” and jump into your new life (and the “new you”) with both
feet!
Life is for the living!
Partake in all it has to offer!
Be courageous!
Try new things!
Have some fun, for you never know where it may lead!
If you need some more help in finding love after a loss due to death, divorce or break-up, read my book, Love After Loss: Writing The Rest of Your Story.
Click here to buy on Amazon.
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