4 Dating Red Flags

For a change of pace, here is my blog in video format. 

Visualize a traffic light when evaluating new partners.

Is it GREEN for full speed ahead?

Is it YELLOW for proceed with caution?

Is it RED for stop right now and run as fast as you can?

Reveal or Conceal?

In your everyday conversations, do you speak to conceal or reveal? Is there a right time to do one or the other, or should we always be an open book to all we meet?

In general, I am extremely straightforward and put all my cards on the table. I neither have the desire nor the time to play games. I query, "How can another respond to me authentically, if I am not authentic myself?" It seems like too much work to me to pretend to be someone whom I am not and to attempt to speak only what another wants to hear in hope that he/she will like me. 

If you "pretend" to be someone who you are not, and this false persona is liked by others, is it the real YOU that is liked? This dilemma seems to be part of the dance of dating, especially for Internet dating when you are really meeting strangers.  In this instance, it is important to strike a balance between revealing all and concealing pertinent facts. Of course, there is a difference between concealing your persona and protecting yourself by not revealing every intimate detail of your life story on a first coffee date.

How do you determine what to reveal and when to do it?

Part of the dating dance is unraveling the mystery of a prospective partner. If you believe each person you meet is a gift, treat him or her accordingly. Think of how a child might approach gifts under a Christmas tree. With bated breath and anticipation, he/she might shake it, turn the box over, lift it up to determine the weight, and stand back and admire the shiny wrapping paper. As much as a child may want to rip open the presents, he/she must wait for the appropriate time to do so. The anticipation, the dreaming of possibilities -- it simply adds to the excitement of the moment when the gift is revealed.

Let's relate that to dating ...

I believe you should always be emotionally honest, although, to tell you the truth, I scared many a date away with this honesty! That way okay, though, because why would I want to be with someone who couldn't "go there" with me? So, to me, this was a great weeding out process.

It is necessary to temper your honesty and your revelations with kindness, appropriateness, and a genuine interest in finding out more about your date. Although it should never be all about you, you can reveal WHO you are and how you approach life without sharing the war stories of your life until a solid meeting of the minds is met. If a true connection is made -- call it chemistry or whatever you will -- there will be plenty of time to reveal all. In the meantime, revel in the mystery of the story. It will make you want to come back to hear the rest of it! To me, this is the magic of chemistry. It ignites a need to know more about someone whom you find fascinating; you are an inquiring mind waiting for the rest of the story!

Past, Present and Future

As many of you know, my background is that of an English teacher, so the title of this blog sounds like we might be doing some conjugating of verbs!

Actually, conjugate has many meanings, and the one I'll concentrate on is to join together, especially in pairs (or in this case, triplicate!).

Think of your past, present and future like three pieces of paper all tied together with a string running through the middle of each. If you were to pick up one end of the string and dangle it in the air, the papers would not fly away for they are inextricably connected -- one leading to the next. And, although they each have an impact on the other, Marcel Pagnol states, "The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be."

When remembering the past, it is easy to block out the negatives and recall only a rosy picture. This might also be how a widow/er remembers his/her late spouse. While it is good to cherish the love you shared with a late mate, it is also beneficial to be realistic about your lives together. This stops the syndrome some widow/ers develop: "My Late Spouse Was A Saint" and can open up the door to accepting new love. It is great to remember the past glowingly but not so much that it is romanticized and makes the present pale in comparison to it.

In the present, it is very easy to get caught up in the minutia of our lives. When there are so many tasks and so little time in which to complete them, one can get overwhelmed or not be able to see the forest for the trees.  You will encounter ups and down in every era of your life. At times, it is important to step back and see the big picture and put current difficulties in perspective so you can figure out the best way to move through them. Always remember that if you are not happy with your present circumstances, YOU are the one with the power to change them.

And then there is the future. If you are always worrying about the future, and this leads to chronic indecision, you can get frozen in place and end up taking no action. This, in turn, can lead to more worry. In essence, you've created a vicious circle that is of no benefit to you. While it is a very good idea to always have an "eye" on the future and take concrete steps towards your goals, it is equally important to live in and enjoy the present moment before it speeds by -- never to be recaptured again.

If there is a message to be gleaned, it is that you cannot change your past, but you certainly can learn from it. Use these hard won lessons to enrich your present experiences. Keep worry in check about the future as you build a foundation upon which to build it in the present.

Is He/She Into You?

How do you tell if a relationship is right or right now?

We all emit both verbal and non-verbal clues to let a date know whether we are interested in pursuing a relationship and taking it to a more serious level. Moreover, some of these clues take the form of conscious actions and others are subconsciously realized due to denied fears we may harbor.

Here are seven tip-offs that can tell you if a relationship is heading towards being a "keeper."

1. There is a genuine interest in getting to know each other. When conversing, each of you lean into the other.

2. You notice the little things about each other, for example, a new haircut, a new outfit -- and you are not shy about offering a compliment because it is your goal to have a partner feel good about him/herself (and to know that you cared enough to notice!).

3. Each of you look for ways to please the other as well as letting him/her know that he/she is in your thoughts. Some examples of the ways this can show up include, a midday text that simply says, "Thinking about you!"; planning a date that you know the other would enjoy (even if it is not your favorite); sending a thoughtful greeting card that expresses your feelings; and showing up with flowers/small gift for no reason.

4. You each make yourself available to the other. Spending time with each other is a priority. There is no game playing; you do not believe that acting coy or less available will enhance the relationship.

5. You are each courteous to the other. A man can be chivalrous and the woman can accept this type of behavior with graciousness. Women -- we know you can open the door yourself, but it's nice when the man does it for you!

6. You each want your circle of friends and family to meet the new person in your life. You are proud to introduce him/her rather than keeping the relationship secret.

7. You are each emotionally honest and feel comfortable pulling aside the veils of ego to reveal your true self.

Soul or Sole Mate?

Should you simply be looking for a one and only mate – a sole mate, so to speak — OR should you be in search of your soul mate?

Is a soul mate one so similar to us that we feel interconnected, always on the same page? In that sense, a soul mate doesn’t have to be romantic. For example, aren’t there people you meet and within a few moments you feel as if you have known them your whole life? That’s a soul mate connection too! Consequently, you can have more than one soul mate because it can include a mother, a father, brothers or sisters, friends, and, of course, a mate (or multiple mates).

Although the concept of finding your soul mate gets a lot of play, I don’t believe there is only one person in the entire universe with whom you can partner. After all, as you grow and evolve, your specifications probably change too. That is one reason why there are so many divorces; the partners, perhaps once soul mates, start to travel on divergent paths and they lose that special connection. Moreover, besides being an overly romantic concept, it is a very heavy burden to place on the shoulders of partners that each must fulfill every need and on every level of the other. Is that even possible? I really don’t think so, and that is why we have friends with whom we can commune.

Consider what Thomas Moore says. He describes the difference between having a soulful relationship vs simply being with one whom you believe to be your soul mate.

“The idea of a soulful relationship is not a sentimental one, nor is it easy to put into practice. The courage required to open one’s soul to express itself or to receive another is infinitely more demanding than the effort we put into avoidance of intimacy. 

Being in a soulful relationship is to some extent frightening because by nature such a relationship asks that we show our soul, complete with its fears and follies. …. The soul, as our dreams reveal, is not terribly lofty. We may present a high minded image to the world, but the soul finds its fertility in its irrationalities.

Within an individual, too, intimacy calls for love and acceptance of the soul’s less rational outposts. Soulfulness is not so much a matter of knowledge and awareness, as of our relationship to the love and hatred that exist within our own heart. The “unconscious” -- that which we don’t know -- is too often also the “unloved” that which we do not accept. … We not only need to know more about ourselves, we also need to love more of ourselves in an unsentimental way. We need to be close to the movements of soul that run deep and yet have everything to do with the way we act and feel in life.

It is the primary task of the marriage partners not to create a life together, but to evoke the soul’s lover, to stir up this magical fantasy of marriage and sustain it, thus serving the particular all important myth that lies deep in the lover’s heart and that supplies a profound need for meaning, fulfillment and relatedness." 

So, for which do you want to look – sole mate, soul mate, or a soulful relationship?

Romantic Symbiosis

Brooke Chandler, a character in The Devil’s Light (a spy thriller with romantic undertones by Richard North Patterson) espouses the Chandler Theory of Romantic Symbiosis. The theory states, "that who you choose to be with helps define who you are and each couple created is a different entity.”

This theory stuck a cord within me, and I believe it can help you to adjust your perspective about your past relationship(s).

When you are in a long time relationship with a mate, you tend to emulate the characteristics of each other … moving towards the mean, if you will. Compromises help you to find new ways to approach situations, and sometimes this is a foreign method to you. (An added bonus is that you might even like the new method more!)  You are also exposed to different hobbies, interests and various groups of people than you would have encountered if you had not met this exact mate. This, in turn, also shapes you and affects the timbre of the relationship.

In essence, your last partnership was unique – an entity onto itself which cannot be recreated, if one of the partners is missing.  Consequently, if you try to duplicate this relationship, you will most probably be met with disappointment.

As a singleton, freed from the bounds of a past relationship (and with new-found knowledge and insight) you metamorphose into a different person. When you meet another mate, your new relationship becomes a different entity than your past relationship(s). This can allow you to let go of any guilt you may be feeling of leaving your former relationship in the past. That is the only place where it can reside, for it is virtually impossible to recreate it or hang onto it if the two unique members aren’t present to make it come alive.

In general, if human beings are to always be reaching higher – a work-in-progress evolving as insights are gleaned – then we as individuals may even defy the bounds of definition. This elusiveness, as we change by ourselves or when we merge with another soul, can allow us to remain in flux to maneuver the ups and downs of life and to have the appropriate tools on hand to successfully adapt to the myriad of circumstances with which we are presented.  

Making Social Connections: A Simple Conversation Starter

Some of you may recall that about two months ago I told you of a simple way to start up a conversation with total strangers. Two words: Hair Shimmer!

At the end of February, I attended a jewelry show. There was a vendor there that offered to apply a Hair Shimmer to my hair. A Hair Shimmer is a very thin piece of silk (or sometimes polyester). It comes in various colors, and one Shimmer is tied to one piece of hair at the root.

It took a little convincing for me to agree because I thought it would look foolish on someone in her mid-fifties. So, I grudgingly let her apply one. Ten minutes later, she finds me and says, “You look very uneven. Please let me apply one more to the other side of your head.” With a little roll of my eyes, I let her do so.

It wasn’t until I returned home and looked in the mirror that I saw how they looked … and I decided that it looked pretty cool! The Shimmer that was applied matched my hair, so it was very subtle and looked just like a highlight. As icing on the cake, my husband loved the way they looked, too!

In the next couple of weeks, everywhere I went, perfect strangers would come up to me and ask me about the shiny colors in my hair. It was as if the Shimmers were a magnet drawing conversations to me (and I only had two in at the time). “Well, I thought, “This is fun. I’m meeting lots of nice people. I am going to have some more of these applied!”

I have had them in for about 8 weeks now; they have lasted through two colorings, flat ironing, blow drying, etc. and they still look exactly the same. Amazingly, they do not come out until you lose the piece of hair to which it is tied.

So, what is my point? The simple act of applying Hair Shimmers opened up an opportunity for me to connect with others, and I didn’t even have to exert any energy for it to happen. People look at my hair with curiosity and want to know what it is that is making it sparkle. They are delighted when I tell them and we both get to smile. It can be as simple as that to make new social connections.

The overwhelming response I get from people has been, “Ooh, I want them too!” And, of course, I aim to please! Consequently, I’ve decided to sell the product on line at http://www.BuyHairShimmers.blogspot.com and I’ve also started a new Facebook fan page for the product. Please visit me at both.

I have posted examples of various hair colors and styles with Shimmers applied. On my website, there is a video and written instructions on how to attach them to your hair.  You can see in the picture to the left that the look can be very subtle. Notice the sparkle in my bangs and on the right side as you view the picture. I have a total of 8-10 in my hair. The picture below shows the side view more up close and personal.

This is a cool, inexpensive, non-chemical way to highlight your hair, make yourself feel good, and connect with others. If you apply them, just watch -- people will be looking at you and, if they don’t ask you about them, simply say, “Do you like the sparkly things in my hair?” I promise that they will say, “Yes, I was looking at that and wasn’t sure what it was and wanted to ask you!” Then it is up to you to continue the conversation!