Is He/She Into You?

How do you tell if a relationship is right or right now?

We all emit both verbal and non-verbal clues to let a date know whether we are interested in pursuing a relationship and taking it to a more serious level. Moreover, some of these clues take the form of conscious actions and others are subconsciously realized due to denied fears we may harbor.

Here are seven tip-offs that can tell you if a relationship is heading towards being a "keeper."

1. There is a genuine interest in getting to know each other. When conversing, each of you lean into the other.

2. You notice the little things about each other, for example, a new haircut, a new outfit -- and you are not shy about offering a compliment because it is your goal to have a partner feel good about him/herself (and to know that you cared enough to notice!).

3. Each of you look for ways to please the other as well as letting him/her know that he/she is in your thoughts. Some examples of the ways this can show up include, a midday text that simply says, "Thinking about you!"; planning a date that you know the other would enjoy (even if it is not your favorite); sending a thoughtful greeting card that expresses your feelings; and showing up with flowers/small gift for no reason.

4. You each make yourself available to the other. Spending time with each other is a priority. There is no game playing; you do not believe that acting coy or less available will enhance the relationship.

5. You are each courteous to the other. A man can be chivalrous and the woman can accept this type of behavior with graciousness. Women -- we know you can open the door yourself, but it's nice when the man does it for you!

6. You each want your circle of friends and family to meet the new person in your life. You are proud to introduce him/her rather than keeping the relationship secret.

7. You are each emotionally honest and feel comfortable pulling aside the veils of ego to reveal your true self.

Soul or Sole Mate?

Should you simply be looking for a one and only mate – a sole mate, so to speak — OR should you be in search of your soul mate?

Is a soul mate one so similar to us that we feel interconnected, always on the same page? In that sense, a soul mate doesn’t have to be romantic. For example, aren’t there people you meet and within a few moments you feel as if you have known them your whole life? That’s a soul mate connection too! Consequently, you can have more than one soul mate because it can include a mother, a father, brothers or sisters, friends, and, of course, a mate (or multiple mates).

Although the concept of finding your soul mate gets a lot of play, I don’t believe there is only one person in the entire universe with whom you can partner. After all, as you grow and evolve, your specifications probably change too. That is one reason why there are so many divorces; the partners, perhaps once soul mates, start to travel on divergent paths and they lose that special connection. Moreover, besides being an overly romantic concept, it is a very heavy burden to place on the shoulders of partners that each must fulfill every need and on every level of the other. Is that even possible? I really don’t think so, and that is why we have friends with whom we can commune.

Consider what Thomas Moore says. He describes the difference between having a soulful relationship vs simply being with one whom you believe to be your soul mate.

“The idea of a soulful relationship is not a sentimental one, nor is it easy to put into practice. The courage required to open one’s soul to express itself or to receive another is infinitely more demanding than the effort we put into avoidance of intimacy. 

Being in a soulful relationship is to some extent frightening because by nature such a relationship asks that we show our soul, complete with its fears and follies. …. The soul, as our dreams reveal, is not terribly lofty. We may present a high minded image to the world, but the soul finds its fertility in its irrationalities.

Within an individual, too, intimacy calls for love and acceptance of the soul’s less rational outposts. Soulfulness is not so much a matter of knowledge and awareness, as of our relationship to the love and hatred that exist within our own heart. The “unconscious” -- that which we don’t know -- is too often also the “unloved” that which we do not accept. … We not only need to know more about ourselves, we also need to love more of ourselves in an unsentimental way. We need to be close to the movements of soul that run deep and yet have everything to do with the way we act and feel in life.

It is the primary task of the marriage partners not to create a life together, but to evoke the soul’s lover, to stir up this magical fantasy of marriage and sustain it, thus serving the particular all important myth that lies deep in the lover’s heart and that supplies a profound need for meaning, fulfillment and relatedness." 

So, for which do you want to look – sole mate, soul mate, or a soulful relationship?

Romantic Symbiosis

Brooke Chandler, a character in The Devil’s Light (a spy thriller with romantic undertones by Richard North Patterson) espouses the Chandler Theory of Romantic Symbiosis. The theory states, "that who you choose to be with helps define who you are and each couple created is a different entity.”

This theory stuck a cord within me, and I believe it can help you to adjust your perspective about your past relationship(s).

When you are in a long time relationship with a mate, you tend to emulate the characteristics of each other … moving towards the mean, if you will. Compromises help you to find new ways to approach situations, and sometimes this is a foreign method to you. (An added bonus is that you might even like the new method more!)  You are also exposed to different hobbies, interests and various groups of people than you would have encountered if you had not met this exact mate. This, in turn, also shapes you and affects the timbre of the relationship.

In essence, your last partnership was unique – an entity onto itself which cannot be recreated, if one of the partners is missing.  Consequently, if you try to duplicate this relationship, you will most probably be met with disappointment.

As a singleton, freed from the bounds of a past relationship (and with new-found knowledge and insight) you metamorphose into a different person. When you meet another mate, your new relationship becomes a different entity than your past relationship(s). This can allow you to let go of any guilt you may be feeling of leaving your former relationship in the past. That is the only place where it can reside, for it is virtually impossible to recreate it or hang onto it if the two unique members aren’t present to make it come alive.

In general, if human beings are to always be reaching higher – a work-in-progress evolving as insights are gleaned – then we as individuals may even defy the bounds of definition. This elusiveness, as we change by ourselves or when we merge with another soul, can allow us to remain in flux to maneuver the ups and downs of life and to have the appropriate tools on hand to successfully adapt to the myriad of circumstances with which we are presented.  

Making Social Connections: A Simple Conversation Starter

Some of you may recall that about two months ago I told you of a simple way to start up a conversation with total strangers. Two words: Hair Shimmer!

At the end of February, I attended a jewelry show. There was a vendor there that offered to apply a Hair Shimmer to my hair. A Hair Shimmer is a very thin piece of silk (or sometimes polyester). It comes in various colors, and one Shimmer is tied to one piece of hair at the root.

It took a little convincing for me to agree because I thought it would look foolish on someone in her mid-fifties. So, I grudgingly let her apply one. Ten minutes later, she finds me and says, “You look very uneven. Please let me apply one more to the other side of your head.” With a little roll of my eyes, I let her do so.

It wasn’t until I returned home and looked in the mirror that I saw how they looked … and I decided that it looked pretty cool! The Shimmer that was applied matched my hair, so it was very subtle and looked just like a highlight. As icing on the cake, my husband loved the way they looked, too!

In the next couple of weeks, everywhere I went, perfect strangers would come up to me and ask me about the shiny colors in my hair. It was as if the Shimmers were a magnet drawing conversations to me (and I only had two in at the time). “Well, I thought, “This is fun. I’m meeting lots of nice people. I am going to have some more of these applied!”

I have had them in for about 8 weeks now; they have lasted through two colorings, flat ironing, blow drying, etc. and they still look exactly the same. Amazingly, they do not come out until you lose the piece of hair to which it is tied.

So, what is my point? The simple act of applying Hair Shimmers opened up an opportunity for me to connect with others, and I didn’t even have to exert any energy for it to happen. People look at my hair with curiosity and want to know what it is that is making it sparkle. They are delighted when I tell them and we both get to smile. It can be as simple as that to make new social connections.

The overwhelming response I get from people has been, “Ooh, I want them too!” And, of course, I aim to please! Consequently, I’ve decided to sell the product on line at http://www.BuyHairShimmers.blogspot.com and I’ve also started a new Facebook fan page for the product. Please visit me at both.

I have posted examples of various hair colors and styles with Shimmers applied. On my website, there is a video and written instructions on how to attach them to your hair.  You can see in the picture to the left that the look can be very subtle. Notice the sparkle in my bangs and on the right side as you view the picture. I have a total of 8-10 in my hair. The picture below shows the side view more up close and personal.

This is a cool, inexpensive, non-chemical way to highlight your hair, make yourself feel good, and connect with others. If you apply them, just watch -- people will be looking at you and, if they don’t ask you about them, simply say, “Do you like the sparkly things in my hair?” I promise that they will say, “Yes, I was looking at that and wasn’t sure what it was and wanted to ask you!” Then it is up to you to continue the conversation!

Dating, Remarriage and Children: Creating A Foundation Upon Which To Build

Let's talk about what is at the core of the issue -- how you have approached dating and how that has affected your children.

I believe your approach and how you integrate dating into your life and the life of your children greatly impacts how well they might adjust to an eventual marriage and step family situation.

After my late husband died, my first thought was about my children. Somehow I knew that very far in the future that I would be okay and even possibly find another mate. My children were another matter; they had lost their father and would never have another one. That is not to say that they couldn't have a "father-like" figure or some other male role model from whom they could learn and eventually emulate.

The very first piece of therapeutic advice I received was the best. When I asked what I could do for my children, the counselor told me that they would follow my lead. If I chose to "recover" then they would too. If I stayed mad at the world, depressed, etc., they would too. So, a week after my late husband died, I made a conscious decision that I was going to be proactive in my grief work and do everything within my power to show my children how to gracefully move from darkness to light. My energies were focused on them, and we did most out-of-school activities together. It was about two years after the death of their father that they finally said to me, "Why don't you go out and have some fun with your own friends!"

What I had accomplished by intensively focusing on my children in this way was that they felt safe again in the very unsafe world they experienced after their father's death.

During this time, I also conveyed to them what I was doing to keep myself healthy so they didn't have to worry about me getting sick. I always let them know where I was and when I would return. If I were even a minute late, I called to let them know. Due to my courteous behavior, they returned the favor. Even when they were older and in their twenties, I always got a phone call if they were to be late.

When a child feels secure, it is easier for him/her to understand the concept of the ever expanding heart, which is that there is room in there for lots of people. Moreover, simply because someone new comes into your life, it does not mean the old residents get kicked out. Love simply creates more love. It is to be shared, and there is always enough to go around!

This is a foundational issue in building a successful step family because jealousy between the children of the different spouses or jealousy over a new wife or husband can easily arise. 

Giving your children enough time to heal their hearts before asking them to open it up to welcome someone new is also an excellent reason not to jump into dating too soon after a death or divorce. Households must be stabilized before they are able to cope with more change.

Finding Love After Loss: Dating Turnoffs

Are you the King or Queen of the first date, but it never leads to having a second date?

Check to see if you are exhibiting any of these behaviors. If so, make the appropriate changes to encounter more success in your dating adventures.

1. You exhibit a lack of common courtesy. When you are contacted by e-mail through an Internet dating site, you do not respond promptly, if at all, if you are not interested.

Instead: It only takes a few seconds to say, "Thanks, but no thanks." It's hard enough to get the courage up to contact a prospective date, at least let the sender know the e-mail was received. 

Other discourteous behaviors include giving out a wrong telephone number, saying you will call when you have no intention of doing so, talking on your cell phone or texting while on a date.

Instead: Simply be honest. If you don't want to see someone again, just thank him or her for the evening.

2. You exhibit a lack of honesty. Don't lie on your profile, especially about your age and weight. Don't post a picture that is 10 years old. Don't say you are divorced if you are only separated -- or worse yet -- still living with your partner.

Instead: Be upfront about yourself. Don't start a relationship with a lie.

3. You want to jump into bed before even getting to know someone. You are too touchy-feely at the inception of the relationship.

Instead: Let a relationship develop over time. Be wary of another's boundary space.

4. You reject prospective suitors because of a lack of immediate and heart pounding chemistry. 

Instead: Consider giving a date two to three times to show you his/her real self. Some people are very nervous on a first date and don't show their best side.

5. Poor hygiene. You don't take the time to clean yourself up; wear appropriate clothing; get a haircut. In other words, you are disrespectful to your date.

Instead: Put your best foot forward, for you only have one chance to make a first impression. Make your date feel as if he/she counts!

6. You are a "Negative Nelly." You wear a sourpuss all during the date. You have nothing nice to say about anyone or anything. You are mad at the world and feels it owes you something. 

Instead: Change your perspective and attitude to one of gratitude and positivity, which are attractive qualities and draw people to you rather than push them away.

7. You can't carry on a conversation. You neither listen well nor are able to come up with anything about which to talk.

Instead: Read a newspaper or watch TV to have some topic on which you can comment. Use active listening skills and echo back what your date says and then add your own opinion.

8. You monopolize the conversation and do not let your date contribute at all.

Instead: Remember that conversation is give and take. You are not Hamlet and it is not a soliloquy!

9. You are inflexible. You can't go with the flow, if there is a change in plans.

Instead: Recognize and accept that stuff comes up. Learn to deal with it gracefully.

10. You are cheap.

Instead: If you don't have a lot of money to spend, there are lots of fun places you can go and it won't cost your anything. For example, street fairs, free concerts in the park, a picnic at an innovative place, free movies that are shown at a park or outdoor shopping center, etc.

11. You are wishy-washy.

Instead: Have an opinion without being overly opinionated.

12. You are rude to those you consider "beneath" you, for example, clerks, wait staff, etc.

Instead: That's the problem right there. No one is "beneath" you. Treat everyone with equal respect.

If any of the twelve statements describe you, make the appropriate adjustments in your behavior and watch first dates turn into more!

Romantic vs Real Love

As children (and sometimes as adults), women fantasize of a white knight galloping by to rescue her from a life of drudgery, and they ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. This sounds like shades of "Calgon, take me away ....", and the operative word in the previous sentence is FANTASY! It just doesn't happen that way, and the only person who can truly rescue you is YOU!

Idealized, or romantic, love is just that -- an image of perfection that cannot be attained, or, if attained momentarily, cannot be sustained.

Although romantic love can eventually turn into real love, usually chemistry is found at the foundation of this idealized love. So why do we become infatuated with some people and not with others? Moreover, why is it often the ones that are not right for us, for example, the "bad boy", who garners our rapt attention?

We are all products of our environment. As we grew, familial patterns were ingrained in our consciousness. If you did not have good role models to emulate, some of these patterns may be unhealthy. However, whether healthy or not, they are comfortable to us for we know how to operate within their parameters. Consequently, we radiate out these types of behaviors and subconsciously draw to us a repeat of a familial pattern, which often includes the worst traits of our childhood caregivers. It's a fact of nature that we are drawn to those who resemble our parents in their actions and, thus, we perpetuate the ingrained patterns. Additionally, we may be drawn to people who have negative traits that we possess but may deny in ourselves. Remember, if you spot it, you got it!! 

In truth, we are a pretty self-centered species. So it seems that romantic love, although it certainly feels wonderful for a while, is really about self-love or loving someone who is most like you or who "completes" you by exhibiting traits that you wish you had.

Real love, on the other hand, is selfless. It doesn't happen in an instant (although it can be sparked that way), but instead grows stronger and deeper over time with an ironclad commitment by both partners. It is based on friendship, respect and honor, and both partners are complete individuals on their own. Together their lives are enhanced by one another. 

Here are nine questions you can ask yourself to determine whether you are experiencing romantic love or real love.

1. Can you spend an evening together without engaging in any sexual conduct, including kissing?

If so, it's real.

2. Are you comfortable being alone with your partner and able to sit in silence without feeling awkward?

If so, it's real.

3. Do you objectify your partner by feeling it elevates your status because you have a beautiful/handsome date on your arm?

If so, it's romantic.

4. Are you embarrassed by your partner? Do you want to keep him/her hidden away from your friends because you are afraid they might not like him/her or don't think he/she is a good match for you?

If so, it's romantic.

5. Can you be totally honest with your partner and, if you disagree, not be afraid of losing him/her?

If so, it's real.

6. Is your established pattern with your partner one of constantly fighting and making up? Are you comfortable with this?

If so, it's romantic.

7. Even though you are in a committed relationship, in the back of your mind, are you still looking to see if there is something better around the corner? Is your relationship right or right now?

If so, it's romantic.

8. Is your relationship abusive, but you still profess "love" for your partner and make excuses for him/her?

If so, it's romantic.

9. Is your partner your best friend -- the one person with whom you want to share your triumphs and commiserate with your disasters and know that you will be loved in both instances?

If so, it's real.

Don't get me wrong, romantic relationships can be fun and we all need more romance in our lives. Simply recognize them for what they are ... practice! Your goal is to seek real love and then add romance to it.