If You Ass-u-me, You Won't Find Love After Loss

Your success or failure in the dating arena (or life in general) is directly proportional to the beliefs you hold at the time you embark upon your endeavor.

Many people have preconceived ideas about dating, especially Internet dating. They make assumptions about what it will be like and the type of people they will meet. Moreover, they don’t believe it will work, so they expect failure before they even try.

Usually, these self-defeating thoughts emanate from fear and insecurity and are postulated as a self-protective mechanism. It’s the old teenage mentality of “I’ll reject you, before you reject me.” Additionally, if you’ve let it be known that you don’t believe you will ever meet anyone of quality, when you don’t, you’ve steeled yourself against disappointment. However, in truth, what you’ve done is completed a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You’re probably aware of what the word ASSUME means. When assumptions are made, an ASS is made out of U and ME. That’s because you can’t know what someone else is thinking, unless you ask him or her directly.

So, the first assumption that needs to be thrown out the window is “I know what’s going on.”

In the context of a first date, or first few dates, the answer is probably not. Daters come with agendas, and they are usually not sharing them in the get-to-know-you beginning dates. Don’t assume you know what every sigh, sidelong glance, or lack of communication means.

The second bad assumption you can make is "I have a plan and no adjustments will ever be necessary."

Wrong. Life is fluid and adjustments are necessary to every plan you make. Don’t be rigid. Go with the flow and see where it takes you.

If you are desirous of launching a dating career, then a third assumption to let go is the belief that you are too old (or too young) to find success.

Wrong again. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and at every age. Sometimes, love found at a mature age is much sweeter because time is short and, thus, appreciated more. Both participants, hopefully, are grown up; consequently, they should each know who they are and what they want in a partner.

A fourth assumption that also negates your success is when you assume that you won’t have the time necessary to devote to finding a new partner.

That’s the wrong way to look at it. If you are too busy to date, then either you don’t want to or are afraid to. If you really want something in your life, you will make time for it – no matter how busy you are.

Lastly, the fifth assumption that needs to be banished from your thought processes is that you assume that you don’t deserve to be happy and successful.

Wrong, wrong, wrong! Everyone deserves to be happy and successful. However, you must make a conscious decision to go out and get the things that will allow you to feel that way. The world takes its cue from you; it will “punish” you only in response to your own self-punishment.

Let go of these assumptions and others that are holding you back from finding love. They are self-imposed barriers, and you have the power to tear them down.

***********
You can receive 150 actionable tips on love, dating and relationships in my e-book, In Order To Be Terrific, You Have To Be Specific. It's available via my website.

Should We Only Say "I Love You" on Valentine's Day?

Today is Valentine’s Day, and it is known to be the day for lovers to embrace each other and declare their undying love.

Wait a minute! Isn’t that what lovers are supposed to do EVERY day?

On Valentine’s Day, partners usually show their love by sending a card, offering a box of chocolates, showering a partner with jewelry or sharing a romantic interlude. Then, the next day, it seems to be okay to go back to complacency in the relationship.

There’s something wrong with that picture.

Giving gifts on Valentine’s Day (or just on other special occasions) does not give a partner a free pass for the rest of the year. In truth, the greatest gift a partner can give to his/her beloved is to be present in the relationship and shout “I love you” every day in both actions and words.

For those of you who are feeling alone on Valentine’s Day, take heart. It’s not a real holiday – only one perpetuated by the merchants who benefit most. Matter of fact, according to the Greeting Card Association, 25% of all cards sent each year are valentines! No wonder, they conduct a massive advertising campaign.

This caption says it all. Make Valentine’s Day a non-event this year.

Now, I realize all the hoopla around the day by advertisers may remind you that you are without someone special.

I suggest you turn this thought around. In fact, you should feel sorry for those who are so intent on making Valentine’s Day such a big event and are crushed if they don't receive cards and presents.

To me, receiving gifts on Valentine’s Day just makes you part of the herd.

What’s more special is to live in love on the days when it is not dictated by society. Respect and a caring attitude always speak louder to me than candy and flowers.

And this attitude can be shared with more than a romantic partner.

So, if Valentine’s Day is be a day that touts love, let’s share those good feelings with our neighbors, our family and our friends. 

Spread the love and it will come right back at you!

Finding Love After Loss: Personal Development

Before you can be successful in your search for a new partner with whom you can build a successful, healthy and long-lasting relationship, it is necessary to spend some time in personal development.

Activities and actions that can further your personal development can include the following.

Take a class. These can expand your base of knowledge, or you can take them just for fun. This activity can bring joy to your life.

Travel. Learn about different native cultures and discover that you are only one part of a much bigger world. This helps to put your personal issues in perspective.

Try something new. Step out of your box and stretch those creative muscles.

In truth, personal development can be anything that broadens your horizons and allows you to look at yourself and the world in new and different ways.

With that definition in mind, you don’t even have to leave your house! For example, quieting your mind and spending some time in meditative and introspective thought can allow you to take giant leaps in your personal development. It can be the impetus for you to approach your issues in a different manner.

As you work on better understanding yourself … because that is what you need to do before you attempt to understand anybody else … keep in mind the following three concepts.

1. For new behaviors to become ingrained in your daily patterns, you need consistent reinforcement without exceptions. For example, you are starting a new exercise program in which you participate three times a week. You keep to it 100% for the first two weeks. Then something comes up the third week and you just can’t fit it in, but you think, “That’s okay. I’ll make an exception this week.” But this happens the next week and the next week until there are more exceptions to your routine than the routine itself. Remember that routines need constant consistency to stick and to become your “new normal.”

2. As you are completing new tasks or incorporating new ideas into your train of thought, make sure to pat yourself on the back for doing so. As these new routines become – well, routine – it’s easy to forget how impressive it is that you’ve managed to bring beneficial change to your life. If you are feeling like you haven’t really accomplished that much, look over your shoulder to see where you were a year ago, a month ago, even a week ago. This will illustrate how far you have really progressed.

3. Be kind and patient with yourself. We live in a hurry-up world and want results instantaneously. Look at all the advertisements that abound, such as: Lose inches overnight! Look 10 years younger in one month! These claims seem to be a little exaggerated, although there is probably someone who is getting these results. However, these are external changes and sometimes those are easier to produce than internal changes. In actuality, there must be internal change – or a change in perspective and thinking – before external change can take place. Your mind is powerful and once you consciously decide to institute change, it will happen. The “how” it will happen is the fine print or the details.

I can’t express strongly enough that if you want to have successful relationships, romantic or otherwise, you need to spend time in reflective thought to figure out who you are and what you want.

If you want to learn how to be successful in the dating arena, check out my newest book, Understanding Dating and Relationships From A to Z. In 26 concepts (from A to Z), I explain how you can be successful in the dating arena. 

Click to purchase.

It's a Kindle book, but you don’t even need a Kindle reader to get it. Click to download a free reading app from Amazon and you can read it on your computer, IPad, or another electronic device.

For a limited time, I am offering a free e-book version for those who will write a review of the book on Amazon.com. E-mail me and let me know you are interested or contact me via the Love After Loss page on Facebook. 

Finding Love After Loss: How To Fascinate Your Dates

Do you want your dates to find you utterly fascinating?

Recently, Forbes Magazine offered 10 ways NOT to be boring. My commentary about the items in this list are in italics.

1. Go exploring.

Be curious and explore the world on many levels: intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spirituality. Be open to visiting new places; listening to new ideas and considering other’s opinions.

2. Share what you discover.

When you’re out exploring and you discover something fascinating, it’s no fun if you only keep it to yourself. Share memorable tidbits with your dates. This will make you memorable, too. as the person who shared it with them.

3. Do something, anything.

Loosen the boundaries that you’ve self-imposed, maybe because you are afraid of taking action. So do something (or anything), even if it is a baby step. Remaining frozen in your beliefs and circumstances presents a closed mind (and closed door) to prospective dates.

4. Embrace your inner weirdness.

Don't worry, no one is "normal.” Your uniqueness, or way of looking at the world through different eyes, is what makes you more interesting.

5. Have a cause.

Believe in something and be passionate about it. This passion will naturally spill over into other areas of your life. Passion, or having that light in your eyes, will attract people to you.

6. Minimize the swagger.

Keep your ego in check; no one is "better" than the next guy or gal. When you think you are (and let others know about it), it's very offputting to prospective dates. Of course, you need to keep good self-esteem in balance with humility. A healthy ego is what lets you accomplish great things.

7. Give it a shot.

Be adventurous and try new things. Step out of your box. Who knows? You might like it there!

8. Hop off the bandwagon.

Learn to walk to your own drumbeat. This also relates to point #4 above. Continue to do what is right for you, even if it is not the popular stance.

9. Grow a pair.

Balance your development of an accommodating nature against being wishy-washy or indecisive. It’s good to have an opinion, as long as you don't stuff it down your date’s throat! You can agree to disagree.

10. Ignore the scolds.

Others may reprimand you or tell you not to do something. This is probably their fears talking vs. giving you good advice. Let go of regrets. You don’t want to look back and say, “could have, would have or should have.” Your gut knows what is best for you, so temper the advice you receive with your innate knowing about what is feasible for you.

Now, go out and “knock the socks off” of your dates!!

Join Finding Love After Loss on Facebook for relationship/dating tips every day!